Drug of Choice

CLICK..CLICK..CLICK…DON’T GO THERE!!!
         It all started with innocent trips, trips to the local casinos.  At the time, it was fun, it was a place to go just to forget the daily bumps in life, to just get lost in the noise and excitement. We had a limit we set each time we went, $100.00 per person, win or loose.
         Oh, the feeling of euphoria the first time I won.  Back in those days it was buckets of nickels.  You see, nickels lasted longer, prolonged the inevitable, loosing.  Many vacations and weekend trips to the casinos were the norm.  Financially stable at the time, it really didn’t matter that we lost most of the time, won some, but the odds are against you no matter what.
         After several years of this practice, with the stakes growing all the time, from nickels to quarters, from quarters to dollars, I got pulled further in.  My husband however, saw it coming and tried to circumvent the crash.  All the fights and ugly words didn’t deter me a bit. 
         Knowing a fight would ensue if I mentioned going to the casino, I began searching the internet, having heard there were gambling sites out there.  After playing for “fun” at a few of them, I picked one I liked and signed up for a “real money” account.  It started the same way, first $300.00 at a time, then  it escalated to $500 per session, sometimes as much as $1,500.00 a day.  All financed by credit cards.  I won plenty, lost more.  Just one more time was what I kept telling myself, chasing the dream but even more, just chasing enough to recover the previous losses.
         I came up with creative ways of getting credit cards, getting the statements so my husband wouldn’t know and lie, lie, lie.  The old saying, “where there’s  a will, there’s a way.”  I found them all, and spent nights instead of sleeping, continually trying to find more ways to finance and pay for my addiction.  I always knew deep down, I had a problem, of course, I would never admit it, and I was always able to justify my actions.
         On several different occasions, my credit card bill was at its limit of $20,000.00 and beyond.  It was no longer easy to keep it hidden from my husband.  When confronted, the guilt always took over as well as the determination on my part that he wasn’t going to run my life or tell me how to spend “our” money, always considering that half of what we owned belonged to me anyway.  The hell of it is, I actually did win a “progressive” jackpot of just over $250,000.00 gambling on the internet.  So  after “paying back” to my husband and our marriage, the money I had spent gambling, which amounted to about half of my winnings, the bills got paid but the strain on our marriage was unbelievable.  One incident where my husband contacted my family, trying to enlist their help with my addiction, made me so  angry, I immediately sought an attorney and filed for a divorce.  He had a lot of gonads as far as I was concerned.  He didn’t have a problem and in fact, had a good time spending my winnings from gambling, the one thing he was trying to control and was constantly judging me for.
Well there it is, I did it!  Euphoria again.  I was going to have half of everything and if I wanted to gamble I didn’t have to answer to him.  I think he was just relieved.  He was able to control his proceeds from the divorce and not worry that it would all be lost to gambling.  The connection between us was never lost, however bitter.
         I wish that would have been my wake-up call but it wasn’t.  I continued to gamble, online and at the casinos.  I have spent thousands of dollars and am now broke, owing money on my credit cards once again.  I spend many days praying for someone to help me.  I’ve been online with different gambling organizations and it has helped.  What has helped even more is in 2006 a law passed eliminating credit card companies from authorizing transactions at gambling websites.  Although, there are still options available for depositing at these websites, they are not as easy and not as readily available to US residents.  I tried several of these options with very little luck.  I also asked the website I frequented to ban me due to my gambling problem, which they did, along with their affiliate websites.
         It’s been about 8 months since I gambled on internet websites.  I couldn’t be happier.  I still go to the local casinos occasionally and it has gotten out of hand recently.  I remarried my ex- husband who knows I am not gambling online but doesn’t know the frequency of the casino trips lately or the monies spent.          He also doesn’t know that I’m broke and that what money I had from the divorce is gone due to gambling.  I am scared to death I will never break this addiction and it will eventually take my life.  The shame and embarrassment associated with addiction are overwhelming.  I love my husband, have been with him for over 20 years and I love my family dearly, but I don’t like myself. 
         I am currently writing a book, hoping that I can get this message across to what I believe are thousands of people, suffering from this addiction. If I can help just one person it will be worth the effort.  I also call it my self-help program.  For anyone reading this that needs help, please seek any and all options available to you, by whatever means available.  It could mean the difference between life and death.  For me, I continue to struggle daily, I pray constantly for help and forgiveness and I’m determined to win this battle.  I want my life back, it was,  and is precious!

PLEASE DON'T GO THERE!!