Quote Book

This is just a quote book of some of the crazy things that my friends and family say! And if after reading this you don't know why I love them, read it again!


Me~ Mommy I am going to go to church this Sunday.
My Mom~(looks out her window) oh my God was that a pig?

Jess~ Be quiet and watch the movel!

Dad~Hold on your mother has her head in the oven.
Me~ mom has her head in the oven.
Mike-~is she Jewish?

Me~I need to go to the Vineland police station
Whit~ wait, why do you need to buy a new play station?

Silvio~ In my bio lab today we were talking about hemophilia, that's when you bleed and you cant stop bleeding. Then there was a question that popped into my head "Why wouldn't a hemophiliac girl survive puberty? Because shed get her period and won't stop bleeding."

Whitney~ I forgot that when you put those things under water they drowned.

Nick~(talking about sex after death)- you cant rise the dead, so you'd be unscrewed.

Me (to Whitney playing a video game as she is trying to get across roof tops) Why don't you just fly?
Jess~(seriously) Yeah shes just gonna sprout wings and launch herself off the roof top
Whitney~ (in her game she sprouts wings and launches herself off the roof top.)

Me~ (with a drink in my hand) ALCOHOL my anti-drug....wait a second.....

Me~ I want Chinese food
Jess~Yeah, i feel like an egg roll.
Me~(walks over to jess and pokes her a little) no you don't
Jess~ Yes i do, I'm flaky and full of veggies!

Me (talking to nick about facebook bumper stickers) u know u love getting massive amounts of bumper stickers from me daily lol
Nick: i'm not going to have any room left you're going to cover the whole internet
Me: thats my goal!

Me ( to Jess as i try to put her cell phone in her back pocket, but she kept moving) Jess hold still and let me stick this in ur butt!

me- (pulling whits sheet from over my dresser that is under her bed) im peeling ur sheets of my dresser, its like peeling a banana, or in this case, like peeling a Whitney!

Me- How do they get the cheese inside hot dogs?
Jane- Maybe they make the pigs eat a lot of cheese.

Me- I left my cigarettes in the room
Jess- you have Tink!
Me- but i cant put her in my mouth and inhale!

Me- I was at a passion party!
Jimmy- Is that like a Tupperware party, but not so G rated?

Me- (talk to Liz about pizza, and i decided to have plain pizza) Just do me plain Liz.

Me- (looking at yoyo's online...screaming) WHO PAYS 450 DOLLARS FOR A FREAKIN YOYO!
Whitney- (really quiet) extreme yoyoers?

Me- Jess lets go to the cage.
Jess- Yes lets tame our inner beast *whip sounds*
(PS the cage is a fenced in area where athletic equipment is stored)

Me- (pointing at each roomie as i do this) In this room we have blonde, deaf and blind!

Me(talking to Justin about how he kissed nick on the cheek for me) You kissed my husband. That has to be like triple incest because u are my twin/cousin/date.....ew...

Me- Ok well i am going to go do what i do best.
Batman- be loud?
Me- ok what i do second best.
Batman- be late?
Me- ok what i do THIRD best
Batman (opens her mouth)
Me- (frustarted) IM GOING TO SLEEP!

Jess (talking about someone) Its because shes a dumb blonde.
Me- what is this blonde on blonde crime?

Me (talking about capital punishment in the bible): altho women who were convicted of adultery were stoned and not the high kinda stoned
Nick: -throws stones at you-

Megan- Do you have a dyed easter egg?
Batman- Yeah we boiled it with the umbrella.

Batman- You know i was thinking, when my shoulder was dislocated and you had your finger in my socket, we had some kind of weird shoulder sex!

Me( writing a caption to a picture of me sitting on justins lap at the dance ) "This chair feels like a redneck"

Meagan~ you and this yoyo kick, you need to just say no, say not to the yo!

Ica (looking at something online) awww, thats cute
Me (not even knowing what shes looking at) Then we should kill it....

Me (in a creepy "6th sense" voice)- i see confused people...
(my voices gets normal) oh wait...thats a mirror!

Me- I should probably go back to see my shrink.....but you know how i hate opening up to people......sober.

Me- i think i have thinking to do, but i dont know because i'm not thinking clearly

Me (talking to whit about me liking someone) I wouldn't say that i am "head over heels", i am more.....ass over back!!!

Me (talking to justin. BTW Nick is my husband) Did you kiss my husband yet?
Justin- No
Me- TWIN, YOU KISS MY HUSBAND OR I WILL KICK UR ASS. KISS HIM.......KISS HIM!!!!!!!!!!

Whitney (yelling at a guy on TV)~ you are an asshole casserole!

Josh-yea i have somewhat of a creative side
Me (@ 3 am during finals week) I can tell, my creative side went to sleep, and when i tried to wake it up, it gave me the finger lol.

Me (sitting on the floor and accidentally dropped a history book on my crotch, and it HURT) History just tried to in pregnant me and it failed!

Me (yelling at Liz to stop making noise) SHHHHH! Stop that! Your distracting me, i'm hoped up on crack right now!

Meow (my sister in the car) "ITS CALLED IN ON RAMP, NOT A SLOW THE FUCK DOWN RAMP!"

Me (after 2 hours in the car) "Did that sign say Frog Zone?"
Molly- No, it said Fog Zone.

Dorey (my sorority president talking about my lust for yoyos) -" you have an acute yoyo addiction, so the boy who got you addicted to yoyos must be a cute one!"

Christopher Titus (comedian)- "At 6 am I am like a vampire with a paper route."

Me (running into Whits chair that has been there all year) OUCH! Who put that chair there!?!?

Me- So sue me
Whit- I just might one day
Me- Well i can be your lawyer.....oh....wait.....lol

Me- (i put Frankies cell phone down my shirt and called it from my phone but it didnt have service) I wonder why your phone doesnt have service down my shirt...
Frankie- Because its between mountains!

Mitch Hedberg  "I don't own a cell phone or a pager. I just hang around everyone I know, all the time. If someone wants to get a hold of me, they just say 'Mitch,' and I say 'what?' and turn my head slightly."


Drunk clarkie~"This is the best Quater pounder with cheese ive ever had, wait this is the only quarter pounder with cheese ive ever had, but its still the best quarter pounder with cheese ive ever had!"

Me- Do not tap on ass (spoofing off of do not tap on glass)

Clarkie -(discussing how American politics are, and how they were designed to be)
thats where your wrong. educated wasnt never ment to be part of public opinions. if the public was educated, so many blunders in american history wouldnt have happened. trust me it pisses me off too. But, if look at the track record, american ppl in a group have been blissfully blind  and stupid as a whole group. brillant indivudals
but as a whole im suprise we have survied darwins theroy lol

Me (talking to whitney about not being safe on campus)- Im getting us rape whistles, and mace. And no, your not allowed to spray me with the mace.
Whit- I wont spray you with the mace.....i will beat you with the whistle.

Me- Im for cereal! (meaning im for serious)
Nick J- Im against cereal, im more of a hot pocket man.

A positive attitude may not solve all your problems, but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort.
  - Herm Albright

Never face facts; if you do, you'll never get up in the morning.
  - Marlo Thomas

Chad- Why do I need a vibrator, I have a dick for that!
Me- Does your dick vibrate?
Chad- If I hum it might!!!
      LMFAO