I guess true love doesn't exsist....

i once believed that true love really exsisted. you spend every moment you possibly can with your significant other, until you think you know everything there is to know about one another. then you end up saying the same thing to them that you said the day before. everyday turns into the same old routine until finally you get bored with one another. so you say the same things, do the same things, til finally you end up in misery. so to spice up the life, you begin to find little things to argue about. the arguments only last a day or less but it gives you enough time to see how much you can't live without the other, so the makeup helps to bring life back into your relationship. that is, of course, til the arguments turn serious. they tear you two apart, and the hurt and suffering begins to set it. til finally oen day you end things. it's as though the weight has been lifted off your shoulders.

til it catches up with you. you miss them dearly.....so you two fought, what two people in love don't fight? you thought this is what you wanted but it's not. you end up finding yourself alone in the middle of the night. you've been laying in the same place for hours trying to sleep but all you can seem to do is cry and wish you weren't lying there alone. at least just for one last night you want him to hold you in his arms as you lay your head on his chest and fall asleep to the sound of his heart beating. and to wake up in the morning to the man you love with all your heart would just make all the hurt go away.

instead he finds some way to move on before you. so instead of being happy for him, you try as hard as you can to turn love into hate but you can't do it. you love him, and you know deep down that he loves you too. so you end up torturing yourself. you do things to your body that you shouldn't, but the pain you feel from it is worse then feeling the pain he causes you.

so you drink til you can't remember his name, even though you wake up in the morning more miserable then you were the day before. so you try something else........you take a blade to the top of your arm. you don't want to seem sucidial so you start there to see what it feels like. it doesn't hurt at first, you don't feel a thing. but once it sets in you feel it burn, the blood slowly comes to the surface and you seem to find yourself enjoying the pain. you might as well consider yourself "mad" in some sense. it's almost as if you're killing yourself on the inside, but keeping your body around so people will still think you're alive.

after about a week or so you get little satisfaction out of cutting the top of your arm, so you decide it's time to step up and take it further. you no longer want to live. you press your blade on your wrist. you don't know whats driven you to this but you do it anyways because you think its what you want. its a great deal more painful then the top was. your skin is more sensitive, the blood runs thinner, you bleed more. not to mention after you let them heal, the scars seem to be more noticiable. you try to hide them but your friends can sense something is wrong. you've forgotten all about your friends lately, all you've been thinking about is how much you want to die and in what way to try and kill yourself with. your friends want to help, but how can they help you when you can't even help yourself?

you end up finding yourself alone in your bedroom again, blade in one hand, tears rolling down your cheeks, and then you ask yourself why. just one word is all it takes for you to decide there and then if what you are about to do is worth it or not. you begin to really think about your life, you've come so far yet you're still so young. you've done things people twice your age probably haven't, yet you're still so miserable.

you hate your job yet at the same time you love it. sure the weekends are kinda rough and stressful, but you work retail so what more can you expect? but you think bout it more and all the bad things seem to out-weigh the good. so you put your notice in. it seems to be the best decision you've made lately, except now you have no income. so not only now do you not have any money, but you begin to wonder about your freinds. it seems like forever that you've opened up to any of them. you want to but you never want to bring them down with you. it's not right to have them suffer with you.

you slowly introduce them to your lonely and depressing life, yet it still seems to only get worse. your friends ask you questions you don't want to answer and all-n-all your conversation only makes you feel worse. so now not only do you feel lonely, but you are in fact as depressing as you thought you were, and hoped you weren't. so you turn to family for support. your sister reads your blogs, you know she does, but never says anything. your mom thinks your just kidding. that while you're driving with her and in a serious tone and a straight face tell her that you hope to die soon because there's no reason to live, the only response you receive is just not to do it while she's in the car too. insensitive bitch. not asking for pity or sympathy when you say it, but how could you even think that way? not only does that show you don't care but what it is, is that you think that i would be so cruel as to bring you down with me. i don't want to end your life, it's mine i don't want to live anymore.

so you try to get your life back on track, you stop torturing your body with the cutting, yet the scars are still there to remind you of what you've done. it's something you have to live with for the rest of your life. you cut back on your drinking too, alcohol only seemed to be making things worse for you. you tell your friends you're fine, that your starting to get back to the old you, so they sorta give it a rest on trying to make your life better for you. things seem to be going great for you, until out of the blue, the past presents itself to you, and the shit hits the fan. you had forgotten all about why you were so depressed til, the man you thought you loved once comes back into your life.

you message back n forth to be nice, and eventually you end up hanging out. you don't exactly know why you do it, but you drive to his place anyways, just to see what exactly he has to say. of course its what you weren't wanting to hear, he tells you how much he misses you, loves you, wishes you were still together. those butterflies you felt the first time he told you he loved you seem to come back, your happy in one way, yet you feel sick to your stomach. how could he do this to you....you were so close to being done with him. that chapter had been written, a new one started, yet here you are again.

you don't exactly know what's come over you. maybe it's the fact that you are now the one who knows deep down inside that you still love him. you don't want to admit it but you do, you can't help but say it. you kiss them, you shouldn't have. it sends chills up your spine, you're practically breathless as you pull away. you didn't want to pull away. you just had the best moment in a long time, yet you feel so guilty. you remember to tell yourself, this is why you're depressed. this is why you have scars on your wrist, this is the reason you've tried to kill yourself. you leave before you say anything more you'll regret.

you two start to talk more, hang out once or twice more. and when he lives one night, it hits you. this isn't what you want, you don't want him. you thought if you were back with him, that your life would be turned around and that everything would be good again. but you know it's just going to end up the same way it did last time, and you refuse to put yourself through it again. so you've officially got the weight lifted from your shoulders. you now know that you don't want him back. yes, you did love him once in your life and it's something you can never deny. but you also know that what happened in the past should stay there, and thats where it'll stay.

so to end this, to all my friends that told me not to put myself through it again, thank you. i know that you've helped me see what i've done to myself these past few months and now i know never to let myself go through that again. i've done some terrible things, made some bad choices, but without them, i wouldn't be who i am now. and i wouldn't know not to do it again. the scars are going away, them seem to fade with each passing day, yet i'll always remember the hurt i made myself feel, but i'll never regret a thing. i'm still the same jenn that i was back in high school, and i'd like to think i've matured alittle bit. i know that i've been through a lot and i've progressed as a person and in life....