Millennial Report

Millennial Report:
Earth Year 2008

         My brethren, living trillions of light-years away more difficult than you could ever fathom. Earth is nothing like our home on Quarlock. I have been living secretly amongst the Earthlings for approximately two thousand years, an as much of a daunting task this has been, I must admit that I’ve observed and learned several great things.
         First, the humans have such an unusual appearance. They have stringy follicles called “hair” all over their bodies. Instead of communicating telepathically as we do, Earthlings of many species emit sounds orally through a crevice in their heads called a “mouth.” Also, I haven’t seen a single human Earthling with a proboscis! The only creature I’ve found with one is a small pest called the butterfly. Clearly, it is the most advanced life-form on this planet.
         Their culture is extremely bizarre. A group of Earthlings invited me into their domain a few moons ago in order to “watch football.” For three hours, the gathered around an electronic display box and ingested revoltingly sugary foods. I preferred to eat some delightfully bland treats named “loose-leaf paper,” which the humans mostly overlooked.
         It is quite intriguing to observe the intricate relationships these Earthlings form within their lifetimes. They retained ancient practices of finding one mate and forming families full of offspring. There are few exceptions to this pattern, most notably the Earth sea sponge. In cases where a mate is changed or has its life terminated, the other partner usually finds a new mate and continues to raise their offspring or raises them independently. This is particularly peculiar as we as Quarlockians devour our offspring whole if our original mate is deceased or does not agree with us. However, I do believe we have much to learn from Earth’s praying mantis, which consumes its partner promptly after mating.
         Earthlings also fight over the pettiest matters. The aforementioned humans which brought me to watch football ended their marriage. I overheard the female report it was because”you brought a weirdo into our home! What kind of freak eats loose-leaf!? You should’ve known better! I’m moving back to Arizona to my mother’s!!” Divorce over food products is never a mature decision. Unfortunately, wars over trivial matters like race and religion are not uncommon.
In the span of two thousand years, I have seen this primitive world accomplish some marvelous feats. Innovations like vaccines, airplanes, the world wide web have made their lives a bit easier and lives longer. I plan to return to Quarlock in another century or so. Due to the effects of global warming upon this planet, I don’t believe I would be able to remain here much longer than that. I shall bring back specimen of the most advanced of their kind, although I do not believe they will survive the trip to Quarlock. Apparently, a thirty thousand year lifespan is very rare for butterflies, sponges, pray mantises, humans, and all other organisms on Earth. In the meantime, I will continue with my studies of Earth life in disguise, under the alias of a young female named Nicole McManus.


Yours in Quarlockian service,
         Zenoxylethos


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