Heart and Mind

Gareth had never been affectionate.

Well, he had, Faith supposed, but in his own way. In a way that only Gareth understood, he was affectionate. Usually, all Faith could do was deduce when that was and respond to it. But of course, Gareth wasn't very big on responses either.

The simplest way to say it was, Gareth did not understand normal feelings. He felt them, surely. He felt love. He felt pain and need like any other human being. But he understood none of it. He was ruled by his mind - that thoughtful, hard-working thing that took up most of his time.

Faith was ruled by her heart, which in some strange way told her that she returned Gareth's love. She'd been so initially attracted to those icy blue eyes, that shadow of a hidden smile, that at this point, the reason she'd first fallen in love seemed completely shrouded in Gareth's cold, masked eyes. It didn't make sense that this woman, considered the embodiment of compassion, could ever love or be loved by another whose demeanor would suggest to most a complete lack of any emotion other than that frightening calm. But then, Gareth thought, if Faith couldn't find love in her sweet, oversized heart for Gareth, it seemed nobody could.


Gareth liked to read. He did it so often, Faith wondered frequently why it took so long for him to finish his books, which so lined his office walls there was barely an inch of that cream color left to assure one they were still there and that it was not, in fact, the dark stained bookcases holding the ceilings up. Gareth knew, though. It was his thoughts again. They were so easily controlled when he needed them to be, but when absorbed in the pages of an old volume of a book, he let them wander. A chapter focusing entirely on the subject of love could, in his mind, move quickly to the subject of war. Whether it was worth it. Why anyone would go. What it was like. Similarly, a chapter depicting the most gruesome and adrenaline-filled battle could lead back to unrelenting thoughts of love which refused to leave Gareth's mind for weeks after. Thoughts of love centering around Faith.

It was in these weeks of loving contemplation that Gareth would do something unexpected. The man's face had no change of features an onlooker could see between these extreme thoughts, and sometimes, he could even go weeks without kissing his wife yet still thinking about her... sometimes hours. Maybe, thought Faith, it was this complete unpredictability that held them together. Maybe she stayed through these times of neglect because she knew it would come. That moment of bliss when their lips finally met.

Absence truly does make the heard grow fonder.

But now it had been too much. Too long since she had been hugged. Too long since she had received a comforting kiss. She felt then as if she might as well not have been there at all. And for once, Faith didn't want to wait.

"Gary," she said to the man next to her in the bed, using that name Gareth would never have allowed anyone else to hear.

"Hm?" answered the man with the book, not looking up as the battle in the story raged on. Gareth had forgotten not to let his mind wander again. His thoughts were of Faith.

"Why don't you ever kiss me?"

The question was simple. Blunt. And so sad and un-accusing at the same time. Gareth couldn't refrain from tearing his eyes from the word on the page on which he had been fixed for the last half an hour. Need.

Faith's jade eyes looked so innocent now, so big and sad, and in some way, fearful. Gareth knew now it had gone too long, and Faith repeated the question.

"Why don't you kiss me anymore, Gary?"

Gareth just looked at him for a moment, thinking again. He always had to think first, even when ending with what seemed the simplest possible answer in the first place. In this case, that was a short movement, a small peck on his wife's lips. But when this action would usually satisfy Faith, she didn't even respond this time but for a shift in the opposite direction which only left Gareth confused.

"That doesn't count. I mean, really kiss me. Not this little second that you always give. I..." She stopped a moment, composing herself. "I think you love me, but..."

Faith's sentence trailed off there, leaving Gareth to finish it. "But you're not sure anymore." Faith
nodded sadly.

Please say you do. For once, just say it.

"Faith, I love you. You should know that by now..."

"How, Gareth? How am I supposed to know it when you never even pay enough attention to me to show it? I... I don't know what to believe anymore..."

Those words stung Gareth, though he wouldn't show it. How could Faith think he didn't love her? They were still together, after all. Wouldn't Gareth leave if he didn't feel anything? He slowly closed the book and set it on the nightstand to focus his attention on his wife. He wanted to say something now. He wanted to stop the tears in Faith's eyes. But what could Gareth say to that, when he knew it was true? What could anyone?

A droplet of moisture fell down Faith's cheek, a being totally separate from herself. This was not Faith crying. Whatever it is, it couldn't be that.

"I love you," came her words in a whisper. "I really do..."

And more tears came, migrating over her face, not even caring when they made her breath come in little gasps or when they stained the whites of her green eyes red.

Even now, all Gareth could do was hold out his hand. Just a simple gesture, really, but one that meant the world to Faith, who quickly scrambled up into her husband's protective arms.

And so they sat there. Tears streamed out of green eyes and onto that muscled chest that had become so familiar to Faith, unlike this blissful consciousness of being held so close. Gareth's arms very rarely found their way around the woman to envelop her in this way, and for a moment, the two were one in a bittersweet fusion of being.

So finally, the sobs ceased, transforming themselves into shallow, calming breaths, and the tears left stains down Faith's cheeks, all the way from her puffy red eyes to her trembling chin.

"I just want to know you love me," Faith said at last.

Gareth continued to stare down at her, staying silent for another moment. Finally, he spoke. His voice was naked, so bare and full of emotion it scared him. "I don't know how to show you."

Maybe the sound of his voice wasn't all that scared him though. It was the emotion itself too. It was the deep hopelessness, the love, the fear which continued to induce more of itself in some terrifying cycle.

Then Faith looked at him, her eyes seeming to break and mend Gareth's heart all at the same time as green met blue. Land and sky. Plant and water. And the two were again connected, two halves of the same person, until it was hard for them to tell when one ended and the other began. So different, like a heart and mind, but so necessary to each other. So necessary to life.

"Kiss me," said Faith's frail voice simply. "Kiss me and really mean it."

And so, slowly, their lips met. And it didn't last just a second. It seemed instead an eternity, with all the emotions and understanding that come with it. So sad, so desolate and alone, but then what, wondered Gareth, could this moment be but happiness? It was simply perfection.

But no, came Gareth's ever thoughtful mind. This was not an emotion like any of those. It was not happiness or fear or loneliness, though it may be all and more. No... What they had here... was love.