The evolution of the Wereshark

What if Jaws bred with a werewolf?

On Friday the 13 th of January 2013, David, Sarah and Rob, went with there class, to camp at the Galapagos Islands forest. On that, ill-fated day, all was calm. The sea gently washed up and down the shore, the birds chirped
cheerily, and the sun shone strong.
Later that day the class sat around the camp fire, telling ghost stories, you know the sort, always about a dead person coming back for revenge against the people who killed them. Anyway, back to our ghost story. David
and Sarah had just finished telling their story about the janitor who had a part time job, as the devil.
So Rob began “On this day, 13 years ago. The last surviving werewolf came to die in this place, (the werewolves were dying out, because their DNA, could no longer morph the DNA of a humans) he drank at the local river, then collapsed, upon which time, a local male Great White youth, leapt out of the water, on to the shore, and swallowed the werewolf whole. Then in a last ditch effort to secure the bloodline, the werewolf bit into the sharks heart, then died. But the shark mutated, the werewolf DNA grabbed hold and wouldn’t let go. So now the Were Shark stalks these Islands, travelling anywhere and everywhere. When he finds his prey he’ll either eat them, or make them his heir.” So after this Great White story, they went to bed.
But later that night something stirred, a great black triangle could be seen, lurking above the canopy. Then there was a scream, then another scream, then another, and another.
Rob shot up, At once he knew what to do, fore that wasn’t a story he was telling before, it was real, he was there when it happened, watching from the bushes. So he pulled a harpoon from his bag, and ran to Sarah’s tent.
She was safe. He told her to follow him, so she did.
They ran to David’s tent, he was blissfully unaware as to what was happening, the Were Shark was right on top of him. At once Rob knew what to do, he pulled a dagger out from his pocket, gave it to Sarah and said “If he comes for you, stick this in his hearts” then he ran and lunged at the Were Shark, and kept on saying “let’s finish this”.
The Were Shark turned his attention to Rob, upon which Rob yelled to Sarah “Take David and run”, Sarah followed his instructions, and ran away with David. Meanwhile Rob managed to stab the Were Shark through the hearts, but then the Were Shark nipped him, and what he said next reverberated around the world
“NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”


Later on the anniversary of the Galapagos incident, as it was now called, David and Sarah walked through the park, along the river when the Were Shark leapt out of the river into the path in front of them.
David stared at the creature that was once his friend as he realised the full horror of what was charging towards them it was part man, part wolf, part shark, suddenly he remembered what the Rob had told him " When he finds his prey he’ll either eat them, or make them his heir. " immediately he yelled "Ruuun!!!" as he began scrabbling down the hill, when he was halfway down he heard a scream, he quickly glanced round as a knee cap narrowly missed
his head, and just as his guard was down the Were Shark dripping with blood from his claws and teeth charged straight for him.
David rolled on his back as the Were Shark landed straight on top of him and they fought, David used his legs and his left arm to fight leaving his right arm free to search for a sharp instrument……
Finally he found it, a used harpoon he gripped it firmly by the blunt end and shoved it straight through the centre of the Were Shark’s three hearts.
Later that day Sarah was reported missing.



























Galapagos 13
Chapter 1

David walked out of the gloom to join his colleagues, Rob, Ford, Janet and Lisa.
He stared at the lifeless corpse, stared into its cold dead eyes and shuddered “I’m sorry” he muttered under his breath. Lisa looked up from examining the wounds on the deceased’s neck “Vic’s name is Jimmy Rock, blood type o-, has 5 on the go girlfriends, 2 dogs and a rabbit.” She answered, “You got all that from his neck” David gawped, “No, from his little black book” said Ford pointing to the very thing. “Cause of death?” David asked, “Burnout, Weevil made him bite other people to spread DNA and wore him out”, “Still human?”, “Yep, completely”, “Right, Rob clean up here, Ford, Janet, find and kill the remaining Weevils, Lisa, you can do the cover up. You have your orders now move out.” David instructed.
Later that day David was looking at some paperwork in his office, when he heard the ferndoor open, he went to investigate and found Ford, looking rather drained, climbing out of the ferntuberance (the name for some googol miles of Jefferystube connecting Galapagos 13’s B.O.O. (Base Of Operations) to the surface). When ford suddenly bit David on the neck and panted out “Sorry, Sir, I’m, In, Burnout”, Ford bit David again and carried on “Janet, Bit, Me, She’s, A, WEEVIL!” Ford bit again, so David calmly said “I’ll have to knock you out ok?” Ford nodded his head, so David thumped him twice on the nose and thrice on the chest. Glancing at Ford sprawled out on the floor, David yelled out “Rob, Lisa, Cleanup by the ferntuberance, Ford’s on burnout, Janet’s a Weevil, I’m gonna kill her, bye!!” with that David disappeared up the ferntuberance.
David found Janet out of her biological disguise sucking the life out of a cat, so he said “Oi! I like cats! Put her down now!” “Ok”, she replied and bit the girl cats head off “I wasn’t thirsty anyway” “Explain!” David ordered “My name is Janetta Scuttle, I am Rank 23 in the Weevil Invasion Fleet, I have been sent to create reinforcements for the invasion of the Whoniverse and infiltration and takeover of Torchwood and the Dalek empire and assassination of the Doctor. I selected Galapagos 13 as my home in this universe as convergent evolution of organisations was apparent. Now prepare to die!!!” At that moment, just as David was about to die, a shopping trolley flew into the side of the weevil, knocking Janet out, rebounded and was caught skilfully by a short sexy tramp. Upon happening David instructed the tramp to “Find the nearest, longest and most deserted hill you know, get inside and hold on really tight”.
“So there he was chasing the Weevil that was chasing me, down the hill in a trolley. I was hunkered down. David leapfrogged over the Weevil, turned over the trolley, trapping me in safety, then he whipped out a knife and positioned it so that Weevil was carried onto it by momentum. Then he bagged it up, offered me a job and place to live. We went shopping and here I am. So that answer your question, Ford?” “pretty much Sammy.” He wheezed. Sammy whispered into David’s ear “Don’t worry. I won’t tell anyone that the conditions were that I become your pet slash girlfriend or that you are really a wereshark.” Then she kissed his ear.
Chapter 2
David woke up with Janetta Scuttle’s words ringing in his ears, “I have been sent to create reinforcements for the invasion of the Whoniverse and infiltration and takeover of Torchwood and the Dalek empire and assassination of the Doctor.” He shook his head and yawned a 20 second worry yawn, then looked down at the sweet little naked lump of primitive homosapien curled up in her dog basket, and shook his head again. He knew it was wrong to feel so good about treating what used to be one of his own kind like a pet, but it was all that was easing down his instincts for evil and she didn’t seem to mind so he ignored it and got on with his life. He took out 2 packets of ‘Ultimate Nutrition’ crisps (crisps that have exactly the right amount of calories and nutrition etcetera) and poured the contents into 2 bowls and drunk a whole 2 litre bottle of Diet Coke in 10 nanoseconds. He then gave the human a kiss on the lips, she woke up and David whispered in her ear “Don’t speak. Get dressed in your uniform, eat your crisps then follow me everywhere and I’ll let you have a blanket on your bed.”
After leaving a note for the crew which said “Ford, Lisa and Rob, I’m going to the Whoniverse with Sammy, Rob’s in charge, bye.”  David and Sammy climbed up the ferntuberance with a fold up hover trolley and steered it and themselves through the inter-parallel doorway and landed in the Tardis.
To which David clarified when he noted the weevils and the centre console  “Right, here we are Sammy, in the Whoniverse, in the Tardis, and you must be the Doctor” he said holding out a hand to a thirty year old David Tennant look a like. “no, I’m Prose Tailor, that’s the Doctor” answered the look a like as he pointed to a pretty young woman franticly trying to get the Tardis to dematerialise. “Oh, I didn’t know he was transgender.” David said as he walked to the Doctor. David put a hand on the Doctor’s shoulder and said “My name is David, I’m a Wereshark and I can save your life, your Tardis and kill all the weevils if you just say “farsh-nuke rocks”” “farsh-nuke rocks, what do I have to do?” the Doctor replied, “punch me in the bollocks the close all points of entrances and exits from this room” “really” the Doctor said “yes” said David then “Arghh!!!” a moment later as he transformed into a Wereshark. David massacred the Weevils as he whirled around like a tornado disembowelling his opponents and chopping their heads off, so that within 5 minutes David, Prose, the Doctor and Sammy were locked relatively safely within a now smelly control room of the Tardis. “So” David asked when he was back in human form “Where is the brain of the Tardis?” “In the tube of the centre console” the Doctor replied “Right, this is what’s going to happen. I’ll infect the Tardis with wereshark deoxyribonucleic acid after installing suitable buffers of course. Then Doctor the Tardis will be able to heal itself and others as well as eradicating the Weevil threat, and Sammy find a British 4x4 hummer truck thing. I’ll turn the car thingy into a Weretardis by getting the Tardis to infect it.”
They did exactly that.
         “So I Saved the day, got a portable prison cell, acquired a way to basically shrink something, got my own Tardis, and a jacket with really big pockets. And what did you do today Jack?”…




“Well, I was run over by your Rover Tardis 4x4, saved from suffocation by your essentially shrunken pet slash girlfriend Sammy, and told that Weevils are going to take over the world. But what I really want to know is what’s your rift?” Captain Jack Harkness asked. “Well, first we call the rift, an inter-parallel doorway. And the inter-parallel doorway works on the fact that in every universe there will be a piece of media that tells the tale of a separate parallel universe block…” David informed “What’s a separate parallel universe block?” Jack interrupted “hmph, well a parallel universe block is a group of parallel universes separated from another by a very major change in the grand scheme of things.” David fumed “So in every universe there will be a piece of media that tells the tale of a separate parallel universe block…” Jack um ah (oh I give up from now on I’ll just say said, signed “The Narrator”) said
“That the inter-parallel doorway can use as co-ordinates for your desired parallel universe block, things like stories make it more accurate. And our inter-parallel doorway is located over the sand pits near Woking; many aliens fall through and die so we mainly clear up. Did you know the Martians didn’t so much as land, more crash and burn?” David SAID suddenly an invasion fleet of Weevils carrying Dalek death rays blast their way through the pub door. “Well, I better get back to the Cardis” (Car Tardis) “Good luck with the Weevil Invasion Fleet sent to create reinforcements for the invasion of the Whoniverse and infiltration and takeover of Torchwood and the Dalek empire and assassination of the Doctor.” David reflects for a moment as he’s shot seven times with a death ray by a Weevil. “oh and Jack you know the face of Boe?” he asks “yeah?” Jack said as he came round “You’re him” David said before slaughtering a rather annoying Weevil that kept trying to kill him.          David was just leaving the burning pub when a Keanu Reeves look a like shoved something hard and long up his ass and dropped a DVD of The Matrix into his jacket pocket and while David gaped like a goldfish, the Keanu Reeves look a like whispered into his ear “My name is Neo. When you wake up follow the extension cord to the plug socket, piss on it, then turn left and you will be in your own universe.” David nervously squeaked “What” Neo shouted angrily “Piss on the plug socket!!! You sexy beast.” Suddenly Neo clonked David round the head with a box of condoms.
         David woke up after a horrible dream that he was being bummed by Keanu Reeves. He stood up and said “Why am I only wearing a pear of tight leather pants with my cars number plate pictured on it? Why does my arse hurt? Actually I don’t think I want to know the answer. Right, I need to find an extension cord.” He finds an extension cord. “Hah. Found it. I need to follow it.” He follows it to the plug socket. “Ah. Here’s the plug socket. I better piss on it” He pisses on it and all the lights go out, a minute later a googolplexian People scream at once. “Ah. That looks like the inter-parallel doorway” David said as he stepped through.
         “Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” David said as he fell fifty meters onto the sunroof of his Cardis. It opened and he landed awkwardly across his front chairs. “mph, mph, mph” a muffled voice from the glove compartment said “Sammy is that you?” David said “mph, mph, mph, mph,” came the reply. David opened the glove compartment and took out the shrunken form of Sammy, bound up by elastic bands, and removed the one around her mouth. Sammy said “Are you ok, you look like you’ve been in the wars?” “yeah, let’s go home” David said before sticking Sammy back in the glove compartment. “David” Sammy asked “Why have you got poo around the hole in the seat of your pants?” David thought for a moment before crying out in horror “OH MY GOD!!! I’VE BEEN BUMMED BY NEO FROM THE MATRIX!!!”


Chapter 3
Friday the 20th of september, and Sammy was using her allotted web-surfing time to see what wereshark info there was on the internet, when she happened upon a very interesting and factual story called “The Wereshark Evolution” and logged onto the writer’s myspace account and read.                    ‘Hello, my name is Xander Gordon and I have been bullied for 11 years at school and would’ve had to go through another one had it not been for one day.
I cycled into school and was so tired that I failed a science test, after which I had cycling (hence the bike) and I had a puncture so had to leave. Then I snoozed through science and a double art lesson from hell before being stuck with a knackered bike and a long walk home.
         After I had passed the cricketers I entered the wooded section of my journey, A long path through a forest that could pass for a swamp, a rainforest or the wilderness, so not great if you happen to be constantly paranoid. A few minutes later I noticed a Wereshark peeing out of the corner of my eye, I told myself I was being paranoid and carried on but then I continued to hear the noise of him peeing and about ten seconds after that the peeing sound stopped and I heard a gruff yobbish voice shout after me “oi, you’re gonna be a Wereshark, fuckhead!!!” I quickened my pace and heard a russle of leaves, a paced thunk! thunk! of footsteps then I felt two sharp pricks in my neck and I ran home.”
         Suddenly Sammy felt a warm cocoon spread around her and her brain flicked on and off as Sammy’s perceptions changed and after a second she was lying naked in her own clothes. David picked Sammy up, put on her collar and her leash and was about to put her in a cage he’d seen in “Diary of a shrunken woman”, when Sammy pointed at the computer screen and said “Read that!” So he did, after he had absorbed what he had read, his mouth dropped and he dropped Sammy and she dangled from her collar until David stuffed her into his left trouser pocket and after working away at his Blackberry for a manic thirty seconds tossed it into his right trouser pocket.
         David stabbed manically at the doorbell of Stubdale until a concerned woman answered the door, David said quickly “Hello, I’m David, this is Rob, and this is Lisa. We are from Galapagos 13. I and Rob shall work upstairs in your son’s room. Lisa shall council you and we hope to find your son in due course.” And within 5 minutes Rob was reading out what Xander did when he came home. “First he tuned into radio 2, then he read a porn comic called “Diary of a shrunken woman” then he checked his e-mails (mostly spam) before searching for random stuff on everyclick.com (a search engine where a charity of your choice receives money every time you click search) then watched bbc three till 1 in the morning.” David said “So to sum-up, we are dealing with a tortured genius, who’s a slob and a geek with some weird views on arousel.” Rob replied “Seems so” David reflected “Sounds like my kinda guy” Rob grimaced and edged away from him. Suddenly David queried “Hang on Rob, what’s that?” and he pointed at a dot in the corner of the screen, so Rob clicked it. On the screen a window appeared that said this.
         ‘The next day at school, I was in no mood for the usual agro I get, so when I saw Ryan Smith with his crew leering at me from their place outside my form, I was ready for war. Then he started. He got his cronies to form a circle around me blocking any escape attempt I was plotting; He (Ryan Smith) blocked my entrance to the form. I was trapped so I thought. Thought about what was blocking my only hope of salvation, thought in depth about who Ryan Smith was. This is what I came up with in what was to become my last moments of true sanity. Ryan Smith is a tall bulky strong skinhead. Classic thug. I was half as tall and strong, but twice as fat. In short, I was fucked. No way out and anyway even if I did, I’d have to leg it down the stairs, past Jimmy Rock, the most arrogant irritating and strongest shit ever. Yep, I was fucked, no way out at all. I decided to attempt the impossible. I tried to reason with Ryan Smith. This is what happened:
         “All right, Anne Smith I’ll give you what you want. I’ll entertain you, but after you’ve had your fill move aside.” I said Ryan smirked “Go on then” so I did a little dance and sung YMCA and after that I said “Ok move” to which he replied “no I’ve not had my fill, now shimmy bitch” I felt a rage build so I calmly and coolly stated “Ryan don’t mess with me. I won’t take any of this any longer.” He said “oh yeah, what you gonna do? Turn into a werewolf or something.” And that was it. I transformed. I felt rage, anger and cunning take over me. First my eyes rolled into my head, and my teeth protruded and turned into sharks teeth. My skin turned scaly, I grew gills, a tail, a dorsal fin. I grew fur all over the place. My nails lengthened to a foot long. I snapped “yeah, something like that” I said before sticking my fist into his chest, tore out his still beating heart and ate it. I went round the circle clockwise doing the same thing before I got knocked out.’
         After reading the above, Rob turned to David and said “your kinda guy huh?” David replied “Well, maybe he’s writing a novel?” Rob said “No” and clicked a link and a video of what happened appeared and David said “Let’s go to his school” and they left.
         Meanwhile Lisa got Xander’s mum to spill the beans. “All right, Mrs Gordon, I need you to tell me what happened yesterday. All of it, no matter how bad.” Lisa said when she and the woman were suitably comfortable. “When he came home, I opened the door, to see him standing in the rain. He had been badly bullied before so I wasn’t too shocked at the state of him. But this was different somehow; he was covered in snot, blood, poo and ash. He looked like his life had been irrevocably changed. He was clearly hiding a very deep anger that was just bubbling away under the surface. I tried to rush him upstairs before-” suddenly a fat old git entered the room and sat down in the armchair with the TV remotes clutched in his sticky hands. “He saw me, and confronted me.”
         Lisa asked the man “What did he do when he confronted you. Mr Gordon” “He walks up to me cool as you like and says “Dad if you so much as blink at me I could kill you” blah blah blah, Well I couldn’t have that now could I” Mr Gordon said “So what did you do?” Lisa asked “Well I did what any normal parent would do in my situation. I called him a fucking cunt and I beat him to within an inch of his life.” Xander’s mum sighed and said “That’s when Xander asked me to leave, and after a prolonged argument during which my husband kept punching him, and Xander ignored it. I agreed and shunted off upstairs, always ready to call the police in case I heard screaming.” Lisa asked Mr Gordon “what happened after your wife left, Mr Gordon” “Well after about 3 minutes of me punching and kicking him, I realised I wasn’t having any effect so I reached for a Mercian hockey bat, and he said “You’ve gone too far, dad, I warned you” then he tears my bat out of my hand snaps it between the fingers of his left hand, flicks them at the window smashing it and breaking my car windscreen. Then he has the nerve to break my jaw and beat the shit out of me, stabs himself, screams then legs it. Tried to frame me.” Mr Gordon said “So he says” mumbled Xander’s mum.
         David and Rob left the Cardis parked up by the bike sheds, and looked out upon the devastation before them, cars left as burning husks, corpses lying in gruesome positions covered partly by sickly red pools of pungent blood and mould, buildings left as empty shells. David breathed in with his powerful lungs and smelt the cool air with his extremely sensitive nose, and instantly regretted it. As David had a coughing fit, Rob asked “How can a 15 year old computer geek wimpoid, do this” Suddenly David puked up his lungs and yelled back “Scissors, scissors, I need scissors” Rob bent over and saw David’s lungs hanging by two cords of muscle an inch in diameter, and almost instantaneously handed him a pair of bolt cutters, which upon taking from Rob, David used to cut the cords linking him to his own lungs, then plopped the stumps back inside his throat, stood up and answered Rob’s question “This Rob is what happens when something with a lot of rage becomes a wereshark. Hell is brought to earth” suddenly his body makes a ding noise “oo, my lungs are back” then they entered through the gates the smell really hit them and Rob passed out as David’s nose began to smoulder from the smell.
         After David had to carry Rob back to the van with a nose covered in fire, they decided to put on biohazard protection suits. When they had explored everywhere else, they entered room L3, (home of the geek, L3 is well known for its perverted occupants and twisted games) to find just one computer working. It showed a clip from skynews taken earlier today.
“Hello and some shocking news today, Xander Gordon, England’s youngest Prime Minister and founder of the fence hogers party at just 15, has announced today that he will be standing down immediately and handing the role over to his executive financial adviser Alexander Gordon Jahans as he is a quote-“Wereshark”. Now back to the studio, I’m Joel Ireland over and out” said the reporter on the clip.
         After Rob and David watched the clip, a tall Wereshark sauntered up to them from out of the shadows and said “like the clip?” Rob and David turned their attention to the Ex-Prime Minister standing in front of them and David spoke up “Nah, not my kind of thing, I prefer something with a little more insight, a little more humour, a little more naked shrunken ladies kept as  pets-” Rob started to speak up so David elbowed him in the ribs, sending him flying into a bank of broken monitors without spoiling his own flow “a little more sentience.” “oh I don’t know Joel’s got his fair share of everything you’ve listed there” Xander retorted “You know what I mean!” David spat back and after 5 seconds of thought he asked “Hang on, are you saying Joel’s got his fair share of naked shrunken ladies kept as pets?” “might be, if you shrink 10 or so women down, sell all their possessions then go back in time and sell ‘em to Joel for a pound each when you’re skint” “How would I do that?” David asked “Well, all you do is-” Xander said before he was so rudely interrupted by Matthew Goodwee, Ashley Kendall mint cake, Charlie Geoff-wees, Garry South-west charging at him with AK47’s but they were led by that brave hero Alex Soup who carried an AK47, 2 PP7’s, a harpoon and harpoon gun, a mini precision nuke with launcher but most importantly a large white towel.
Xander just absorbed the AK shots, and only got gas when he swallowed the mini nuke. Alex did manage to hold him down though, when he held up his towel to protect himself and accidentally pinned Xander to the ground under it.
         David took over the job of pinning Xander to the ground and told Alex and crew to find more towels and harpoons, then patrol the building, while Rob called for Lisa and Ford to come clean up. When everybody was doing their respective duties, Xander continued “Now where was I, ah yes now I remember. I was telling you how to shrink a woman, so she can be a pet. Well, all you do is get her to drink the venom of a Shrink-farm Worm from platatus, that’ll shrink her to a foot in height with perfectly maintained proportion, then if you want to stop her periods and stop her getting old and from the nasty effects of hormones, feed her the shit of a Shrink-farm Worm from platatus, then simply get power of attorney over her and you’re set.” “That’s all very interesting but I don’t have a Shrink-farm Worm from platatus, now do I?” David said after noting everything down. “How do you know that? I could show you it, I know. I can write the future.” Xander answered          “You can do what!!!” David exclaimed “I can write the future” Xander explained while David gaped “I have written this whole conversation on this piece of paper. Now offer me the deal that will change my life” Xander said pointing to a piece of folded A4 in his hand. Now David woke up “Ok here’s the deal, In return for me not killing you and allowing you to be exiled instead to a parallel universe of your choice with your own Shrink-farm Worm from platatus, you will find me one and leave this universe forever” David said.
         After Xander said yes, David asked him “Can I trust you Xander?”
“Yes of course you can trust me, I’m a Wereshark just like you remember-” Xander said, Rob started to speak up so David elbowed him in the ribs, sending him flying into the same bank of broken monitors as last time. “and my names not Xander, it’s Alex” The Ex-Prime Minister continued, “No your names Xander” David replied, “How do you know?” The Ex-Prime Minister said, “I’ve seen your Birth certificate” David said, “You’re bluffing.” The Ex-Prime Minister said, “No I’m not, Pookiepants-mcgrue” David said “You know my middle name” The Ex-Prime Minister said, “and your first one” David said.
         Back at the B.O.O. Xander Pookiepants-mcgrue Gordon has turned the whole place upside down to find a size 10 shoe box. “Is that it?” David gaped as he saw the contents of said box. “Yep” said Xander a little too smugly, “An Albino squirrel that’s both male and female and possibly A-sexual with a bit of plumbing?” David queried, “If you include the ability to enable perverts like us to own women as pets, then yeah basicly.” Xander answered. “Right then, when it’s popped out an offspring, and I’ve made a flask of the stuff that shrinks. I’ll export you out the universe.” David declared.
         Just below the Inter-parallel doorway, David stood behind Xander with a flask of shrink juice in one hand, while the other held a harpoon covered by a towel to Xander’s back. David said “check this out” and suddenly a sand dune rose to allow Xander entry through the Inter-parallel doorway, “Hmm, neat” Xander said and he took a step towards the inter parallel doorway where he would become the centre of his own universe, (basically a short cut to madness if you ask me), but just before he stepped through he said “David, you and I will meet again and I shall be your nemesis Ha ha!!!” and he walked through.
         When David returned to terra firma he saw a sexy girl of roughly 17 or 18 and looked at his flask, then walked over to the girl, and asked her, with shadow covering half his face and a slightly evil grin “would you like a drink?”
The girl said “Love to, ta” ripped the flask from his hand and gulped down the lot, and a tent pole erected itself in David’s pants …