Don't Talk to Strangers? (Revision 1)

As children, we are taught not to talk to strangers. The reason for this is obvious, yet the result of the lesson is unfortunate and potentially damaging. The lesson is meant to keep children safe from harm. While children mostly do not know when they are in danger or whom they can and can not trust, adults have life experience and knowledge and are far more likely to recognize when their personal safety is at risk. Why then does the lesson, "Don't talk to strangers" which is meant for children, persist beyond childhood? As adults, do we not have a better understanding that we all begin as strangers to one another? It is only when we make some type of connection with someone that the line between stranger and acquaintance, or acquaintance and friend begins to blur.

While it is important to make as many connections as possible each day, every connection will not, and need not, lead to a relationship beyond the initial connection. Making a connection is simply about stopping for a moment and recognizing that as humans, we all share the same set of basic needs. We need to breathe, and eat, and sleep, or simply put, to exist; we need to feel safe, and we need love, friendship and intimacy. More tangibly put, a connection is an interaction between two people in which both people feel at least one of these needs are met.

Consider this basic interaction. One person smiles genuinely and looks directly at another person." Although the interaction requires next to no effort, it sends this message: "I see you. I don't want to hurt you." In other words, "You exist and you are safe." If the person receives the message, they may look up and smile back. The interaction has now become a connection. In that moment the mutual underlying experience is, "we exist and we are safe; we are connected".

In general, people know it is important to connect with friends and family, with partners and spouses, and even with co-workers or colleagues, but far fewer recognize the value in connecting with the people they don't know.

When we allow for multiple connections in our daily lives we help ourselves and others meet our basic needs as humans. We allow room for the affirmations of our existence, room for us to feel collectively safer, and room for us to experience a more universal sense of love, friendship and intimacy. If you are familiar with Maslov's "Hierarchy of Needs" than you may already know where this is headed...

High Self-Esteem and Self-Actualization develop in people who have their basic needs met. In other words, when we can exist, feel safe, and experience love and intimacy, then we can develop self-respect and self-esteem. When we can develop self-respect and self-esteem, then we can begin to solve problems, to create and be creative, to overcome prejudice and ignorance, and to evaluate and synthesize facts.

Unfortunately, much of the world's population struggles to have their most basic of needs met. They lack the food and clean water they need to exist. They live in a state of constant fear due to war, violence or oppression and cannot feel safe. Please do not think that I am not so naive as to suggest that by smiling at strangers we can solve the world's problems...

Or am I?

If more simple connections are made on a daily basis at a global level, then potentially more people will have their basic needs met. If more people have their basic needs met, then more people may develop a higher sense of self-esteem and self-respect. If more people develop a higher sense of self-esteem and self-respect then maybe we will generate more problem-solvers that can think creatively, evaluate and synthesize facts, and live free of prejudice. And if we have more people like that... maybe we can solve some problems and help meet the basic needs of those that are hungry and living in fear.

Just in case my theory is sound, I'll include a simple to follow, how-to guide on making connections with someone you don't know.

How-to Guide on Making a Connection with Someone You Don't Know

Step 1: Stop being in such a rush all the time. Slow down now and then, even if it's just for a minute or two.

Step 2: Smile and look at the people you interact with.

Step 3: Forget the lesson you learned as a child. DO talk to strangers. Say something kind, or compassionate, or express interest by asking a question.

Step 4: Wait and see how your interaction is reciprocated. If it makes you feel good, you probably just made a positive connection. If it makes you feel bad, you didn't connect. No big deal. That person may need some more practice. Try again a different day or try someone else.

Step 5: Repeat Steps 1-4 until they become habit.

I pass this message on to you...
"Make a connection everyday. It will improve your life and the lives of others."
Who knows... The next time a stranger smiles at you, it might be me. I hope so.