'What's an Inuit to do when his igloo starts melting?' |
FADE IN INT. - AKLUITOK'S HOUSE - DAY A spacious, well outfitted home. Obviously owned by a well funded single guy; wide screen LCD TV, large speakers, leather furniture, a pool table in one corner of the room, a polar bear skin hangs on one of the walls behind the bar. Other than the unusual absence of windows, you might've seen something like this on an episode of MTV's Cribs. We see that someone's sitting on the couch, playing a game of NHL '08 on the TV. This is AKLUITOK, Inuit, mid-20's. Even though he's in lounging clothes, we can tell he's got a sense of style. A drop of water hits the coffee table in front of him and gets his attention, another follows it. He looks up to the ceiling to find a slow, steady drip is coming from a crack above him. He frowns, pauses his game and gets up to make his way to the kitchen where he rummages through a few cupboards and returns with a large pot which he strategically places to catch the water coming from the ceiling. He begins playing his game again, but pauses it again and looks over to the pool table. There is another drip starting there. Sighing, Akluitok turns off the game, which turns the TV to a documentary, and gets up to find another container. While he's searching, we can hear the DOCUMENTARY NARRATOR talking in the b.g. DOCUMENTARY NARRATOR (O.S.) Various studies show that the vast increase in greenhouse gases in our atmosphere is having a seriously adverse effect on our environment. Scientists are saying that while they can't prove anything with any certainty, they are 100% sure that they have a strong gut-feeling that something bad may happen sometime in the near or extended future. The scientific community as a whole, other than several individual scientists with no political ties, generally agrees that if something isn't done soon, our precious planet could experience higher sea levels, extreme weather conditions, dwindling polar ice caps... As the NARRATOR drones on, we follow Akluitok as he finds a container, places it on the pool table to catch the new drip, and scans the rest of the ceiling. Apparently content with what he sees, he goes to the closet and pulls out a large animal-skin coat with a fur-lined hood and begins to put it on as we... CUT TO: EXT. - AKLUITOK'S HOUSE - SAME We are looking at a small igloo somewhere in the Arctic Circle. A satellite dish is mounted to the outside of the igloo and a generator hums in the back. A brand new snowmobile is the only other thing we can see besides the snow. The sky is clear, the sun is shining bright. Akluitok crawls through the entrance and stands, brushing the snow from his hands and knees as he surveys the sky. He turns his attention to the walls of his igloo. A CU shows us that the source of the drips is the ice blocks melting. Akluitok looks back at the sun, shaking his head as he mounts his snowmobile and fires it up. AKLUITOK Global warming can kiss my frostbitten butt! EXT. - ARCTIC LANDSCAPE - LATER POV behind Akluitok as he leaves his snowmobile and walks toward a small reserve community. All of the buildings are basically the same simple construction with plywood exterior and sheet metal roofing. A SIGN on the outskirts reads WELCOME TO NOATAK - WHERE DAY CAN LAST ALL NIGHT! EXT. - OTILUK'S SUPPLY SHOP - CONTINUOUS A hand-painted sign on the roof tells us the store name. Underneath is their slogan,'If we can't get it, you're Otiluk'. An Inuit man who looks about a thousand years old sits on a bench in front of the store. He's dressed in a large thick coat similar to Akluitok's, with a Toronto Maple Leafs toque. His smile shows us that there must not be many dentists here in the Arctic. AKLUITOK (returning the grin) Hey, old man, you catch the hockey game last night? The Old Man's smile doesn't falter, when he speaks, there's an audible slur due to the absence of several teeth. OLD MAN Never mish a game, Akluitok! AKLUITOK I can't believe you're still cheering for those bums. The only thing they do consistently is let you down every year. OLD MAN They'll win again, I have a good feeling that it'sh gonna be shoon. The shpiritsh told me in a dream. AKLUITOK (with a laugh) Well, you keep dreaming old man. When's the last time they won a championship? Do you even remember? OLD MAN I remember it well. It wash back before you were even born. Do you remember, young one? AKLUITOK (with a friendly pat on the shoulder) I know it was in '67. I believe that was the last time you saw a dentist too, wasn't it? OLD MAN (laughs) You know, if you're not careful, I'll make your teeth look like mine, my friend. You kidsh theesh daysh are weak. Not like back in the day...when Bill Barilko played hockey... Akluitok rolls his eyes. He's heard this rant before. OLD MAN(CONT'D) (getting passionate) That guy wash a hero...and tough ash nails. He broke hish leg in the Shtanley Cup Finalsh...yet he came back to play the resht of that game. He shcored the Cup-winning goal in overtime, you know...on a broken leg! At this, the Old Man sits back, looking tired, yet nostalgic. OLD MAN (CONT'D) That wash the last game he ever played. (pointing at Akluitok) You mark my wordsh, they'll win it all again! AKLUITOK I'm sure they will...about the same time Hell freezes over...and if those wacky Scientists are right, that won't be anytime soon. I'm inclined to believe them now that my home seems to be melting away. (thinks) Hey, you've been around for what, a million years? You ever think it's getting warmer around here? OLD MAN (thoughtfully) If it hash, then it'sh not by much, 'cuz when I gotta take a pish, that north wind shtill makesh my sheal shkin shrivel, if ya know what I mean! (laughs one of those crazy old-man laughs) Akluitok shudders as the unavoidable vision hits him. AKLUITOK (turning to the door) Too much information, old man...take it easy, my friend. (beat) You know, you're supposed stand with your back to the wind, eh? INT. - OTILUK'S SUPPLY SHOP - CONTINUOUS Akluitok enters to what looks like an old-style fur trading post. The walls are covered with various objects that you may need: tools, cooking utensils, clothing, etc. A man stands behind the counter. His name is Barilko Otiluk, Inuit, 40, with a smile that looks like it's well on the way to ending up like that of the old man's. BARILKO You look a little pale, buddy. Let me guess...he told ya the seal skin story? AKLUITOK (nods) Hey, Barilko, what's shakin'? BARILKO (cringes) How many times do I have to tell you not to call me that. Call me Barry or I'll club ya like a seal. AKLUITOK (laughs) You ever wish your dad wasn't such a die-hard Leafs' fan? BARILKO Every time somebody calls me Barilko. I mean, sure he scored the winner on a broken leg, but come on. (beat) So what can I do for ya? AKLUITOK I need an air conditioner. You got any? BARILKO You been huffin'? What makes you think there would ever be a reason for me to bring one o' those up here? AKLUITOK That's what I figured. You may think I'm crazy, but have you heard of global warming? BARILKO I've heard a little bit on the news, but it doesn't bother me much. (thoughtfully) It would be nice if it would warm up a bit around here. AKLUITOK Well, how much would it cost to get an air conditioner out here? I think this global warming thing is causing my igloo to melt away and if I don't do something quick, my 'pool' table's gonna take on a whole new meaning. BARILKO I don't know, man. There aren't any planes scheduled for delivery here for a few weeks. How soon would you need it? AKLUITOK I'm not sure, I had two drips already today. I'm gonna run out of pots to catch the water by that time. What else you got? BARILKO I got a dog team comes once a week out of Whitehorse, but I think that's too heavy a load for the dogs. Those huskies would look more like greyhounds by the time they got here. Sorry, but I don't think you're gonna get what ya need in time. AKLUITOK Crap. How am I gonna save my igloo? BARILKO Here's a question, why do you still have an igloo? Why didn't you build a more modern house outta wood and steel? AKLUITOK Uh, call me old fashioned, I guess. BARILKO (skeptical) Uh-huh AKLUITOK Okay, so maybe I spent all my cash on the entertainment system and I had to go a little cheaper on the construction material...like the free kind. You can't blame me though, I gotta impress the ladies. BARILKO Yeah, but ya gotta get the ladies inside the house before you can impress 'em, and I'm guessing they ain't that impressed with the ice block exterior. AKLUITOK (shrugs) I just use my endearing Alaskan charm. BARILKO How's that workin' for ya? AKLUITOK (shrugs) I get by. BARILKO Nothin', eh? AKLUITOK Shut up. You're not fixing my problem. BARILKO Your girl problem? Akluitok sighs, exasperated. BARILKO (CONT'D) Okay, I'm sorry. I just had to get you back for that Barilko crack. AKLUITOK So you don't think you can get an A/C unit in here? BARILKO As my slogan says, I think you're Otiluk. AKLUITOK Great. BARILKO You don't seriously believe in that global warming crap, do ya? I think it's just a load of bull the politicians are trying to throw at us to make us spend a bunch of money trying to "go green" with the false pretense that we're helping the environment when really all we're doing is pumping more sales tax into the government. AKLUITOK Hey, all I know is my house is melting. If you can't help me can you at least sell me a Coke to drown my sorrows? BARILKO Sure thing. I don't have a fridge, so I keep 'em outside to keep 'em cold. Let me go grab one for ya. Barilko disappears out the back for a moment and returns with a bottle that he hands to Akluitok. Akluitok pays, gets his change, thanks Barilko and leaves. EXT. - OTILUK'S SUPPLY SHOP - CONTINUOUS On his way out, Akluitok passes by the old man. OLD MAN Better put that Coke in your pocket so it don't get warm on your way home! Akluitok just smiles and nods as he makes his way back to his snowmobile. EXT. - AKLUITOK'S HOUSE - LATER Akluitok brings his snowmobile to a stop a distance from his igloo and does a double-take as he notices a polar bear sniffing at the entrance. Thinking for a moment, he brightens as an idea crosses his mind. He starts off toward the bear. As he approaches, the bear rears up on its haunches to a menacing 8 feet and bares its teeth. Akluitok just grins and keeps walking as he puts a hand in his pocket and pulls out the Coke he bought earlier and holds it out to the bear. Surprisingly, the bear almost seems to smile back and grabs the bottle out of Akluitok's hand and lumbers off. Akluitok looks into the camera and shrugs as if to say 'Whaddaya know?'. CUT TO: INT. - AKLUITOK'S HOUSE - LATER Akluitok is relaxing on his couch, watching a hockey game, drinking another Coke. Shouting at the game once in a while, thinking that he can guide the players from the comfort of his own home. AKLUITOK C'mon, just shoot the puck you morons! Use your heads! Aw, you idiots! Get the puck! There's a break in the play and as a commercial comes on... AKLUITOK (CONT'D) Man, I love this game! During the commercial, Akluitok finishes the last bit of Coke in his bottle. He lifts the bottle and looks at it. Deciding he wants another, he gets up and wanders over to the fridge, opens the door and reaches in to grab a replacement. He pauses a second as an idea hits him. A grin crosses his face. As he's doing all this we can hear the AD NARRATOR in the b.g. then the hockey game comes back on. AD NARRATOR (O.S.) Looking to renovate your home? Just want to get rid of those smelly, grimey bathroom appliances? Come on down to Piston Bathroom Supplies. We got everything from toilets to shower heads! And all at an affordable price! So come see us for your bathroom needs. Remember, if you're gonna get a toilet, You sure as heck want it to be Piston! DISSOLVE TO: INT. - OTILUK'S SUPPLY SHOP Akluitok is back at the counter, dealing with Barilko. BARILKO Ducting? Yeah, I think I can get you some of that. I might even have some laying around in the back. DISSOLVE TO: INT. - AKLUITOK'S HOUSE - LATER Akluitok is sitting at his kitchen table, taping his ducting together in an intricate webbing. He gets a fan and is taping it to one end of his ducting web. When he finishes that, he makes his way over to the fridge we saw before and starts lugging it across the floor to the middle of the room. DISSOLVE TO: INT. - AKLUITOK'S HOUSE - LATER Close on Akluitok's satisfied smile as he looks on like a proud father who's looking upon his first-born child for the first time. Pulling back we see that he's duct taped the fan to the open fridge, with the ducting spanning out throughout the house, the openings at various locations at the ceiling. It's kind of a monstrosity, but he hasn't done too bad of a job with it. He brings into view an extension cord in one hand and the plug from the fan in the other and connects them, sending the fan into motion. We can hear the whirring of the fan and Akluitok looks up to the ceiling as frosty air is pumped to the outer extremes of his igloo. He drops the cords, and brushes his hands at a job well-done and breathes a sigh of relief as he makes his way back to the couch to familiar territory and turns on the TV. The first thing to come on is the same documentary about global warming. Akluitok just laughs mockingly and switches the channel... FADE TO BLACK. |