Finding and Losing Love

She would be coming soon, but not sure when. I just lost my love, out of confusion
and low self esteem. In a typical tragic-comic way, she was interested in me and
expressed many a times, not through words but through actions. I captured it, yet I
felt myself incapable for her, always feeling low due to my poor grades. She kept
wondering, what is wrong with him and kept working on her end, to come up to my
expectations. And I kept growing with the lowliness, like a disease that I am not
worthy for her. And the deciding moment came, she was spending her last
semester and was already tired of being alone. She found a boyfriend and before
that she tried once more to show me that she loved me and she just wanted me to
accept it. Like a foolish nut, I yet again failed to acknowledge the natural love
between us. I saw her with her boyfriend and she noticed my expressions, which did
not change a bit. We again stepped into each other in the bus, when I was with my
friend and she was with her missing piece. She waved hi to me while he was not
noticing, and she still gave that gaze to me with persistence and bewilderment, that
she wants me to accept it and revolt. I smiled and then showed confusion and
bewilderment but did not do anything. My heart sank more, and with time and as
the semester progressed, we got busy with our classes.

She was done after December and I was yet to take classes, depending upon how
well I will perform in the present ones. She aced and I flunked. And before that,
there was this unbearable trance again. I was lost in my academic curiosities,
thinking about life, about her, about my future, about my fears with grades. And
she came and she was smiling with that inherent acceptance for me and the wish
that it will be done now. She noticed me and I was smiling but I was not noticing
her, I was lost somewhere. She smiled for sometime and then she started to notice
that I am lost. She tried to move around observing my attention. When she found
none, she waved her hand in front of my eyes from a distance, to see my reaction,
and then she got impatient. She waved her hand hastily, and then blurted out, "What is wrong with you?". And then I left her and tried to go somewhere, engrossed in my world and my negativities. She pursued me and then she tried to confront me and I avoided with my dejection. And she shouted, "Why are you so negative?" And then I again felt embarrassed. She mentions before leaving, you will not be able to do it, there is something wrong. She was pointing to my Masters and she was sure I was goofing up in them due to my inattentiveness which was so obvious to her. I thought about that trance for a while and then I left for home. I forgot about that and started worrying about my exams.

And then the day came, when I got my grades, along with which the shock to take
extra classes to complete my Masters. It again spurred a chain reaction of those

negativities in my mind about my worthiness and my abilities. And while I had a
rough phase with my sister, who grew so impatient, fearful and angry at my
continued performance, that she scolded me vehemently to take charge of things.
She consoled me later, but was furious at the situation I had landed myself into.
Later, in realization of the debacle I did with my love, I sent an email to her, to
invite her to my sister's screening. I thought it would help in mending the broken
affair. I went to college, with a broken heart and worries about the things to be
fixed. I faced the counselor for the courses for next semester and ran between
departments to find my way out of the mess. And then, in the series of unfortunate
events, I spotted her for the last time, touring the campus, with her boyfriend, now
her confirmed life partner.

I was crying with my problems, and noticed her from a distance and regretted all
the wrongs I had done with my life. I had no solution to my problem, I was feeling
the heat from both aspects, love and fear. I got messed up in my love and also in my career. And then I composed myself and headed for the OIS building to get further knowhow about my stay. While my return, I bumped into her while she was approaching along with her friends. The look in her eyes was inescapable. She looked punishing, furious and wounded. She greeted me and talked casually. I tried to carry forward the conversation when she suddenly cut me short with the mention of the email. It was my inherent tendency to teach people something. I enjoyed doing it. And I started to talk about email, and soon realized my mistake and literally cried, while distorting myself away from her. And she laughed and moved on. I felt life leaving out of my body. There remained no reason for me to exist after this shame. Shame of humiliation on all fronts. But then something reminded me from inside, that it has all a matter of misfortune. The best bet is to move forward and make the best of the remaining.

I tried to recover from it. My friend consoled me and I moved on with a new semester. Things changed yet the scars remained, of her loss and of my credibility. The confusion remained, of how am I going to tap my potential. It remained divided between worrying about the grades, and in learning new things.

And then the unprecedented happens. My father passes away in India in an accident. It does not even sound believable to me. Was it going to be this bad? My sister is broken, and yet I am not able to make out how this could happen. We face a new challenge dealing with the cremation and with a feud over property matters. I started to blame myself for his demise. That it was due to my handling of the academic affairs, that he has gone. It was his dream to get both of us, me and my sister, to go for the echelons of education. This guilt, confusion, meek realization of his absence haunted me. And then I returned to continue with my semester. It went ok for a while and then her loss again came back. I started visualizing the scenes again. It became unbearable to think that she is no more with me. That I remain a nut, dealing with academics; at one length on the loss of my roots, and on the other, her separation. Does it even make sense to think about her? Did anything really ever happen between us? We didn't even talk properly, and she just did the right things at the right time. It was all going on in my mind, and I had to come out of it.

Don't think anything, it was all a matter of time and luck. It did not work out because she was not the right one for you. My friend keeps convincing me. My head understands him but my heart is not ready to accept. It has captured those moments of non-verbal flow of emotions from her eyes to mine. Calling for me, from near and far, asking me to wake up, and my trance is not getting over. Life surely gave me a fresh lease after I came to Chicago. New place, new home, new people. It all meant that I should stop worrying about what happened in the past and start fresh. I get a feel of Chicago, settling down with accommodation and meeting my colleagues. As I start to lookout for a roommate, my friend again suggests, find a girl, you will learn how to interact with them. I am reluctant, but he insists, dont think anything wrong, you just need a companion, no serious relationships.

I am afraid yet I am excited about the new person, and I posted a generic ad for a roommate. And someone responded, coincidentally a Hindu girl from Nepal. I picked her up on a rainy August evening and showed her the apartment, and after looking around, she told me its good and she would let me know. While I start to carry my luggage from the motel, my friend enjoys the new development, yet cautions me, you should not go for it. We go in an argument and he convinces me that you are very emotional, and I did not mean the companionship to become serious. As we start to settle in the new aptt, my friend again calls me and asks me to let her go. She sits in the room outside and I speak to him inside, contemplating about this new development. Then I realized her presence and hung up on him. I faced her, and she showed anxious and worried expressions, waiting for my decision.

I noticed it and then tried to control the situation. I smiled and carried forward the conversation asking about her visa status. I tried to relieve her fears, by talking about them and other things. She seems joyous, and we silently agreed to co-exist though I do not address my primary concern...