Life Long Cocoon

LIFE-LONG COCOON: CHAPTERS IN THE STORY OF ME

TABLE OF CONTENTS

I THE LITTLE MERMAID
II ALONENESS IN CROWDED SCHOOL
III SELF-ESTEEM AND FINDING FRIENDS
IV OF BOYS AND FAMILY
V MOVING ON...
VI THROUGH UNIVERSITY AND HEARTACHE
VII THE TRUTH ABOUT SCHOOL
VIII THE FIRST JOB I'LL NEVER LIVE THROUGH
IX A JOURNEY OF PEACE
X STRESS, SICKNESS AND LEARNING TO FAIL
XI AT WORK AGAIN FOR BETTER OR WORSE
XII OF PAIN AND SUICIDE
XIII LOVE AND RECOVERY AND GROWING UP
XIV THERAPY REALLY WORKS, FOR THOSE WHO REALLY WANT IT TO
XV OF CALLINGS AND KNOWING ONESELF
XVI OF HOPES AND DREAMS AND COCOONS

CHAPTER ONE - THE LITTLE MERMAID


As far back as I can remember my life has been full of fairy tales - Red Riding Hood, Frog Prince, Rapunzel. I still wonder if they're to blame for my problems though, always happily ever after, but no details on how to get from happily now to ever after, without upset.

My earliest self-aware memory is drizzled in sadness, sitting alone, rocking in a swing and singing in perfect understanding of the little mermaid's "Dads who don't reprimand their daughters, bright young women sick of swimmin', ready to stand. I'm ready..."

Ready for nothing is what I'm thinking now though.

I must have been around six or eight when I went through my ‘Little Mermaid' phase, but it's the first stark memory I have of feeling sadly inadequate and desperately alone. I would imagine jumping out of the second storey window or taking a carving knife to my wrists.

Don't jump to any conclusions. I don't have bad parents, far from it. love my parents and respect them. There wasn't any abuse unless you count a bit of emotional neglect, but then that's the story of many a life and they didn't walk my path. I lived too much alone as a child, too much in my own mind and in cartoons and fantasy, but I wouldn't change it for the world.

I learned my moral values from batman and mandrake and others of their ilk. They taught me to value intelligence, justice and integrity. Sadly they also passed on their guilt complexes when it comes to family responsibilities, but I wouldn't trade. Bats is still my favorite hero and I've looked for him in every guy I've ever cared about and found them wanting. I wonder if it may be because I became batman without realizing it.

Even at that early age, music and fantasy were two big driving forces behind my emotional state and well-being.

I started school around five or six; a little community school, two minutes walk from home. I'm told, and I vaguely remember, kicking up all hell on my first day; climbing the walls or trying to and screaming at the top of my lungs in effrontery at my parents' audacity to leave me in this place, alone! But as it happens with us all, I got over myself, sat down and realized I liked to learn. I made a friend and my teacher liked me; still does to this day and she remembers it all; even the bits I'd rather forget.

It was there that I learned to hate red. The custodial clerk would come in first on mornings and I always got to school early. I liked it, the quiet and peace of it, before the raging storm. Anyway, back to the point, she; the custodial clerk, irritatingly would talk to me in the mornings while I colored, she loved red and would annoyingly try to get me to color everything red. She wore a lot of red as well. So it was born, my long-standing hatred of bright red, I'm still trying to break the habit, after all it's not the color's fault!

It was in my second year at the little community school that I learned another lesson about myself; how much I liked little children. My teacher's two baby nephews about two or three years old began accompanying her to school. My best friend and I were given the inestimable honor of babysitting them during school hours and I absolutely loved it, and them. Years later I still see one of those little boys now and then; it warms my heart to see him grown and whenever my mind falls on him over the years I secretly pray for his happiness. All those years ago and my experience with those two little boys made me into the sort of person who loves all children and wants her own; possible or not.

As a child alone, I sat and contemplated life, the future, myself and God with frequency. Over the years, it was a habit I fell into more and more; soul-searching, I would sit caught up in my own thoughts for hours at times. That contemplative nature became embedded into the very fabric of my personality.