As the Moon Rises on Mother's Day

I don't think there is a more selfless endeavor than mothering. I say that knowing well that I am a very selfish person. The reality is that on most days, parenting takes everything I've got. Every shred of patience, every ounce of self-control, every bit of energy...and every single drop of love I've got in me. I say that knowing that I fail constantly - even daily, probably. Parenting, to be cliche, is a roller coaster ride. It's full of the highest highs, lowest lows, twists, turns, and corkscrews. And it's scary. It is one sacrifice after another, so cushioned with love that sometimes we don't even recognize the sacrifice we are making. It's just woven into who we are as mothers. Into who I am.

As I've thought about motherhood this week, I've tried to pay special attention to my parenting experiences throughout the week and how they make me feel. What I've discovered is not surprising - motherhood is just plain HARD. As much as I want to be ooey gooey and fuzzy warm about being a mom - especially today - I just can't. Motherhood is not a Hallmark card no matter how much we'd like it to be. I've also thought a lot about my own mom this week, and how she made it all seem so effortless when I was growing up. I only remember her unraveling a handful of times in my entire life, whereas by comparison I think I come unraveled about once an hour.

It's serendipitous, I think, that this past week was when I enrolled Tanner into kindergarten. KINDERGARTEN. It's is the dawn of a new era in my parenting life cycle. It's a milestone of growth for Tanner, in maturity and independence. As I held the forms in my hand and watched my son wiggle with excitement while he stood on tiptoe to get a better look around the school office, I realized that we are turning a corner. The baby days are long gone now. The terrible two's and three's are ancient history. I'm going to have to parent on a whole new level from this point forward. Now is when he starts learning life lessons that he will carry with him for the rest of his life. Lessons that will likely determine what kind of man he's going to become. It was a pivotal realization for me. With it, came fear - fear of failure and fear of being ill-equipped to handle this vitally important task. But it also came with resolve, to turn myself inside out to raise this little boy into a man that HE can be proud of. Not me, because he's mine and I'll always be proud of him no matter what. What I want is for him to proud of who he is. I want him to know who he is, where he comes from, and what he stands for.

I also realized this week that children have incredible power over their mothers. Not in the sense of an outward power struggle with a defiant child, but in an emotional sense. A thoughtless action or word from an angry child can pierce the deepest part of a mother's soul, who wants nothing but to be adored and respected by her child. But a smile of pure joy, an eruption of infectious laughter, or an unsolicited kiss on the cheek will fill a mom's heart full to overflowing. Children have the power to drain their mothers to the point of collapse when the day is over. But they also can revive us with just one look that shows a twinkle of love in their eyes. Mothers must go so far beyond themselves for the sake of their children, and when they can't possibly go any further, they must. It's not a matter of choice, it's who they are - who they were designed to be.

I've been thinking a lot about what makes a "good" mother. I've wondered if I'm a good mother, and if so, then how? I don't know what I'm doing! I have at least a zillion faults that make me unqualified for this job. Most of my parenting experiences could be summed it with one word: SURVIVAL. The thing is, being a mom isn't a job at all. It's a calling, almost a covenant even, and it's an evolutionary process - at least that's what I'm hoping. Every mother ever made has had faults. What's important is that we are willing to dedicate a period of our lives to ensuring that our children are raised up in the way they should go, and that we put our mind, body and soul into it.

'Til college do us part, I say, even though I know from my mom that the work doesn't stop when the baby leaves the nest. Once you're a mom, you're a mom for life. Thank God for that. Thank God for my son. And thank God for my mom.