Depth in Modern Day Society

Depth in Modern Day Society

I am not a person who has a solid perception on what is reality. A perception that outweighs the solidity of my home  or my family. I do not value the sky nor do I value the walls that surround me at night when I hear babies being put to bed, cats staggering on empty narrow roads and reality waking up. I hear stories of people succeeding with 5 cents in their pocket and perhaps a dream - and of how those two elements mixed with good will can get you a scholarship to Harvard, a great job and an apartment. And I begin to wonder.. What is good will?

Is good will the choices I make? The choices I don't make? Is good will the intentions I have when I do things? Is good will the act of doing something, the intention of doing it or the result of doing it?
I, for instance, live my adolescent life focusing on the intention of doing what I do. The intention may be misinterpreted and sometimes transparent- and it in this way that intentions are subordinate to the physicality of an act. I attend school because I am forced to and consequently I am perceived by my grandparents as having a good will- but do I enjoy going to school? Are my intentions really all that good?

I do not intend on boring you with my philosophy on good will- nor do I intend on relating these notions to experiences in my not so experienced life. I do intend on finding and searching for depth that people find so easily in their lives- perhaps words are as powerful as rumored- perhaps words, moreover language, IS the foundation to thought as well as to life.
You may chuckle at the thought of depth in an individual- an individual living in a society that seems to lack depth. Depth is underrated, I'd  like to think. I believe that we prioritize what is of utility and leave depth to fend for itself; hoping it's still around when we come back looking for it. One day we will burst and go through a phase of self-realization where depth is all we search for and maybe then will we plunge into a pool of regret. Regret of not being as deep as we ought to have been, regret of conforming to a seemingly shallow world, regret of not being ourselves and allowing diversity to yield the kind of depth that makes it easier for us to sleep at night, knowing that when we wake up, we would have more than a 24- hour day awaiting us.

Depth is underrated in a world like ours. It seems that most of us perceive depth as being drama. Depth as being hard. Depth as hurting us. If depth really hurts then why is it that we seek it so much? Why is it essential for us to have depth in our lives in order to have successfully lived it? Why does pain have to occur in order for us to realize that we are alive and for us to be conscious? Maybe because we need pain to remind us or perhaps to relieve ourselves of the daily stresses of modern life. "Why do I keep hitting myself with a hammer? Because it feels so good when I stop". Maybe pain is fundamental in our lives, in order to act as an anchor. Pain is depth, pain is what really crawls under our skin and touches us in ways that are close to us, and maybe we crave that pain, because it is what allows us to enjoy our lives without it.

I think thats why we like depth. Perhaps depth allows us to persist leading shallow lives, ironically. Having a "taste" of depth is perhaps like plunging out of water and breathing in oxygen as rapidly as we possibly can. We know that we are going to have to go back down eventually, but enjoy the stream of oxygen the only way we know how to. Maybe depth isn't the sharp feeling in our skin or the hole in our heart, maybe depth is the wake-up call that takes us by surprise. Depth, perhaps then being the morning after a funeral, the revelation after a period of hardship, or the long car drive on an empty road at 3 in the morning. Perhaps depth is then something you must take in small doses, in order to enable yourself to lead your life.

Depth is essential yet we cannot chose when to obtain it. We cannot ask to be people 'of depth' and can only abide by society's definition and restrictions of the word. Depth being the characteristic of an activist, or a person in poverty who's soul flourishes with eagerness to learn and to be enlightened, society's depth is seen through a person who puts others first, who is caring and who can live without materialistic prospects. Depth and materialism shown as opposite ends of the spectrum, polarized by nature and so one can then assume that in a materialistic world like ours, it must be rare to find those who are not affected by materialism. Those shown as religious followers, buddhists, nuns, the amish or simply unfortunate are the types of people free from the confines of materialism and this is precisely why we assume they live in spiritual depth.

Conclusively, I have learnt that depth is the pain we sometimes seek. The confrontation we subconsciously NEED to anchor us back to reality, the nudge or poke that reminds us to stop dreaming and the car crash we need to wake ourselves up. Depth can also be the discussion we have, the revelation we find and the product of stripping ourselves from material life. Depth is constantly shown as the opposite of materialism and superficiality, and this is why it is rather difficult to be "people of depth" to begin with, that is, unless we are religious followers and spiritual figures who do not require materialism in order to pursue our lives. What does this mean? Does this mean I can never be a person of depth? At least not with the implications of materialism that society has on me? Does this mean I have to live under water forever, only hoping and waiting for my plunge out of water for oxygen? Must I continue to live my life superficially only waiting for my instant taste of depth?

I refuse. I refuse to be a pawn in this game of life. To wait my turn and to stand still until a higher power moves me or decides that I am needed and necessary. I am needed, I need to know that my heart weighs more than the jewelry I am offered, I need to know that my soul weighs more than anything I have ever held. I will search for depth until I am weak and my heart is trailing behind me. I need depth to remind me that I can be somebody. Without good will, without good will, without good will... What am I?