What Is A Noob

(this script is not finished yet. I am going over it with several friends to refine it, make it more entertaining, remove what just doesn't work, and add things that will enchance it. I'm placing this here to see what people think of it so far.)

Documentary - What Is A Noob

Opening scene: Several people (upwards of 10 would be good. These people will be used in interviews throughout the documentary) give testimonials of how scary it is. This it that they refer to is a noob, but is not directly stated. The opening testimonials are to provide a lead in showing that whatever this documentary is covering is not a pleasant thing.

Narrator: This atrocity has ruined lives, produced nightmares that Stephen King would be ashamed of having, instilled terror within hundreds, and has killed countless kittens. In this program, we shall delve into the dark, freakish depths of that which is known as the Noob.

Opening video. Preferred to be a high quality appearing animation depicting a blend of science and videogames and internet. (i.e. strands of DNA flying about, a couple floating scenes from street fighter and halo, plenty of zeros and ones, shapes that would be seen on internet, etc. Possibly have pictures of the main cast of "scientists".)

Interviewee: I could never get away. Everywhere I turned, they were always there. They wouldn't leave me. These... noobs... seemed to have infested everything. My forums, my games, my chat rooms. Nothing is safe.

Narrator: Few have dared to venture into the murky depths of the world of this strange creature's psyche and cures for the side affects induced by its presence. Those that have experienced never seem to come out the same.

Tearful Interviewee (preferably older woman): (dabbing her eyes with tissue)My husband has been through rehab, joined help groups, has sought counseling, everything. He still just hasn't been the same since he's said he can't stand the noobs. I don't understand what he means by they all need to be flamed, but whatever this thing is, it has ruined his life.

(several scenes of people at various computers all playing games, on internet, forums, chat rooms, etc roll while narrator speaks)

Narrator: Within the world is another world, almost bigger than the one in which most people live. This world can often be considered an alternate reality and is called the internet. Billions of pieces of information are exchanged in this internet. People socialize in it regularly. Many have careers based within it. Some even use it for recreational purposes, such as videogames that allow social interactions. The types of people and creatures that live within this alternate world are countless. One of the most dangerous, and life changing beings though, is the noob.

Professor: (in a fancy library-like room with a computer visible) Researching and studying the noob is not a task that I suggest anyone undertake. What we did put myself and my crew under a lot of stress and far too often, our very existence was threatened. It was because of the dangers involved that we agreed to do the research. We feel the world needs this information, but shouldn't have to be exposed to the risks involved in dealing directly with these creatures.

Doctor One: (With something to write on for demonstration of spelling differences, such as a blackboard. Doctor Two nearby.) One of the first things we had to establish was what this... noob was. There was often the misconception that we were talking about a newb, not a noob,(the two words are spelled out on blackboard) and this frequently drew out much unwarranted anger from a species of internet dweller we call, the Troll, which we won't be discussion in depth today. (everytime the word newb and noob are stated, the doctor underlines the word on the blackboard to distinguish between the two words. Deliberately, an excess of lines will begin to appear underneath each word filling the entire board.) As everyone already knows, everyone was a newb at one point, which is simply short for newbie. There is no problem with these newbies at any time as they learned, grew, and matured into a respectable internet and/or gaming junkie. Of course that learning curve is always frustrating but is eventually overcome. Overall, we like newbs. Newbs eventually become contributing internet citizens and help to make a wonderful environment. The noob on the otherhand is quite different and should not be confused with the newb.

Interviews asking:
What is a noob? (specified before hand that it's a noob, not a newb)
What is one of the worst experiences you've had with the double-o noob?
What symptoms have you experienced after noob encounters?
What do you think should be done about the noob epidemic?
(interviews will be used throughout documentary)

Professor: This noob seems to be a perpetual form of the newbie. It makes all the mistakes of a newbie but never learns. Worst of all, it seems to make them deliberately on a very regular basis. There are many signs of a noob. These may include, but are not limited to the following.

Prof: Deliberate use of shorthand, misspells, and cell phone texting style of speech in instant messaging clients. Unnecessary, frequent use of irrelevant jargon such as 1337 speek, or program specific terms.

Clip of a shooter game where a person, using voice chat, overusing the term pwn)

Prof: God modding in online role plays. This is usually done in forums and chat clients. Also, begging for things in games out of laziness.

Show a clip of a character in World of Wwarcraft saying "Come on! Just gimme 500 gold!" other player responds "Ah! Infected by noob cooties!"

Prof: Repeatedly asking questions that are found in easily accessible FAQs and instruction manuals.
The thought that the individual has achieved a level of coolness due to a graphic, object, or other visual representation of their self.

clip of gaiaonline.com and a person in flame pants posting "OMG!!!! I totally RoXoRz in deez flame pants!!!!1!11!one!!"

Prof: Frequent flaming, which includes very poor insults, electronic stalking for the purpose of delivering more insults, and the thinking that insulting another via electronic means is going to have a positive impact for anyone.
Boisterous, improvable, and most likely false claims about one's life.

Clip of chat conversation showing "Just because your a loser and i'm not, doesnt mean you have to be such a dick! I'll bet you don't make half as much me!" "Dude, I don't care. What's your deal?" "That's cuz you're a idiot! i'm a spinal surgeon and i make twenty times as much as your parents combined!" "Good for you. I don't care."

Professor: Sadly, this last one actually happened to me fairly recently. Prior conversations with this person involved very poor grammar, and frequent attempts at insults to several people. These insults consisted of statements such as "Your mom!" and "Your face!" That was the extent of this poor lads creativity. He had earlier asked me out of the blue, "are you smart?" I declined to comment on my level of intelligence and he said "Yeah, I think your smart." I refuse to believe that a spinal surgeon would have time to divulge in such activities such as online games and in such games degrade himself to a level of intelligence not befitting a goldfish.

Doctor Two: (Next to blackboard with several more underlines under each word.) It is a good point to stress that not everyone who makes these mistakes is a noob (underlines correct word as it is said). The biggest thing with a noob is that it does not learn once it has made one of these mistakes, and it continues to make them, often times, with great deliberation. It is because everyone makes mistakes once in a while, especially on early visits to internet locations and events, that these noobs are usually hard to distinguish. Great care must be taken as any noob can be easily perceived simply as a newb until it is too late. The converse is also true. Take care not to mistake a newb for a noob as this will cause you to appear as a rude noob yourself. Making this later mistake could cause those whom we call Noob Hunters to bear down on you with great wrath.

Several scenes of testimonial statements of people explaining how they felt when encountering a noob.

Scene changes to that of an area with many computers, all of them occupied and on the internet doing something. Most likely, this will be at Gamestar. Professor walks with doctor(s) with clipboards behind him along rows of computers. Doctor(s) taking notes.

Professor: The side affects, illnesses and symptoms acquired by maintaining contact with these noobs are certainly worth discussing as you may want to know what risks you are taking by venturing into the internet. Here at one of our many research facilities, we expect to encounter some of the unfortunate disorders that...

Is cut off by a person in a chair falling backwards, sounding like he is in pain to the ground. Professor and doctor(s) casually step over him.

Professor: ...can be induced by exposure to noobs.

A scene of someone experiencing each symptom shows when they are listed. These will

Prof: You may receive something as minor as disorientation, frustration, and headaches.

Clip of a person at computer complaining about a noob and making a comment about needing ibuprofen.

Prof: Disorientation, nausea, fatigue, and excessive vomiting

Clip of a different person at a computer acting dizzy while trying to type or play a game. He appears to become dizzier and dizzier until he falls to the ground and vomits.

Prof: Commonly, people will experience dreaded symptoms such as having your electronic character killed in an online game.

Clip of Leeroy Jenkins from world of warcraft getting his entire party killed.

Prof: Many have reported that they have suffered from grievous halt in project progress in many endeavors. A few reports of intelligence drainage have also been heard of. Other symptoms include severe cerebral irritation, loss of hope for humanity, hair loss, and diarrhea. Death is also a possible, but rare side affect that up until a few minutes ago, remained unconfirmed.

Show a few clips of people suffering "symptoms" of noob encounters.

Narrator: Any persons who have spent a large amount of time on the internet know well that these odd and dangerous creatures can't be avoided entirely. Everyone will have an encounter at some point with them. Preventative action is often needed during noob encounters.

Sound collage over a scene of a computer. Collage will consist of many voices, overlapping each other saying things such as "I don't know what to do." "I couldn't help myself. All I could do was scream." "Was it right to just start cussing at him?" "I was so confused." "I'm scared. I don't know how to avoid these."

Doctor Two: (scene unknown so far. Most likely will be at Gamstar.) There are many proven methods to avoid infections from these noobs. Each noob though is quite different so not every method works for every noob. It's best to use whichever method common sense and wise judgement calls for. The most effective and time proven method is, that as soon as the creature is discovered, do not commune with it in any way, stay far away, and if possible, flee the area. Any sort of communication has the potential to lead to disastrous, and highly infectious results. Too often we see people who once they see a noob, desire to pounce and smother it for the well-being of society. Sadly, almost every time they attack such a creature, the microbial germs are transmitted at an alarmingly quick rate, causing the attacker to stoop down to the level of the noob and poorly thought out insults ensue forth. This clearly shows the aforementioned symptom of intelligence loss of the victims of a noob. Once this happens, it is often times hard to distinguish whether the attacker is now a noob or not.

Doctor One: As stated, it is best to just maintain as much of a state of quarantine as possible. We won't discount that verbally flaming the noob works as there have been rare occasions of varieties of noobs that have been quelled by such actions. We don't recommend it though. If a noob approaches you personally, just back away slowly. A smile and a nod while backing away might be acceptable, but anything beyond that is opening you up to contamination. Backing away quickly is oftentimes more effective than backing away slowly and the noob does not often follow.

Bystander: Dude. Why not just log offline for a bit?

Doctor One: (Angrily backhands the bystander with a large binder or clipboard, knocking him to the ground) We're the scientists here! Back off!

Doctor Two: If in any live chat setting, excuses to avoid a persistent noob are easily found. Just waiting for a friend to come online? Only checking email real quick? Logging in real quick to make sure your account doesn't get suspended for inactivity?