To Jane

Dear Jane,

  It has been such a long time since we've seen you.  I miss you so much.  Not knowing where to send this letter, I write it anyway, in the hope that someday you might read it. 

  Your sister Fiona is getting big now; her hair is much longer than when you last saw it.  The ends still have her baby curls.  I will have to cut it soon.  Yesterday she was out playing in the leaves while Dad was raking, and she came inside looking like a two-year old wearing a bird's nest on her head. 

  The crabapple tree you used to climb when you were little has shiny red apples on it now.  Tomorrow we will pick some to make jelly. 

  Oh Jane, why have you left us?  I try so hard to be strong for the baby, but I don't know how much longer I can stand this.  Your father tries too- but we don't know what to do.  Anything would be better than waiting like this for you to come back.  Please come back.  I can't sleep anymore- I think of where you could be and

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I can't finish that thought. 

  Why have you done this to us?  You are too young!  I am so angry, but if I found you right now, I would hold you in my arms and never let you go.  What do you look like now?  Would you let me hold you?

  Will and I are getting old.  It's not the same with Fiona- sometimes I feel more like a grandmother than a mother.  Nothing feels right anymore.  Sometimes I think that we've all been completely derailed- all of us just like a train gone completely off of its tracks.  In the morning, I open my eyes and it all comes flooding back.  How my life is not what it should be.  Everything painful and forced.  And always that blank question- where are you?  Not even knowing if you're alive anymore.  I know you're out there somewhere- living, breathing- under the same sun as us.  I know that we will see you again.  I know this.
What would I do if you came back?  Oh Jane, things are different now.  The baby won't remember you.  We need to protect her.  Sometimes when I look at her I see you in her green eyes.  She is so innocent - it shines right out through her eyes like they're clear as water. 

  Please come back.  We can make it work.  We can get you clean again.  We can help you.  You've got strong blood in your veins.  Just like your Grandfather - stubborn and proud.  We can do this Jane.

  I don't know what to write now.  I miss you so much Jane.  Please be alright.

  Sending all of my love,
  Your mother