Musings of a Graduate

Baking in the sun on a hot summer day in St. Louis, I feel another drop of sweat roll down the side of my face and plop onto my shoulder. What am I doing here? I get up and leave my friend by the side of the pool and start walking out of the apartment complex, anywhere. I've just finished the schooling portion of my life. Finally. Reflecting on college, I'm not sure it was the right choice for me. Maybe it wasn't the ideal learning environment for me... but what other options do we have these days? At least I'm done. That recurring sentiment pops into my head daily, at least I'm done.

But now I'm back home, back with my parents. Ugh. At this point in my life, I'm left floating in some kind of void. I have to wait for this and that. I lack direction, so it doesn't matter which street I walk down. I feel simultaneously liberated and confined. If we really had all the freedom we profess to desire, would we really be more satisfied? Probably not. We humans tend to need some kind of control.

I decide to start walking towards the city.

Stuck in purgatory, waiting for life to happen to me, I'm left with plenty of time for myself. And I am glad for this, even if it isn't all roses and puppies. I used to reflect on my life with pride. I'm proud of how I've changed and grown as a person, of who I've become and the choices I've made. But am I? Recently, self-loathing has developed a stronger footing in my thoughts. The realization that prior choices will forever shape my future has begun to sink in. In all my years of professed maturity, I now scoff, embarrassed by choices I made in my youth. I think about opportunities missed. I've been confined by societal norms that tell us we have to go to college, without giving those of us who want to educate ourself another reasonable, visible option. But I refuse to sit here and blame society, it's my life. I've learned about existential philosophy. So I want to move on. I want to expand myself now in the ways I wish I would have earlier. Time to think about the present and maybe even the future.

I take in my surroundings. I'm walking down a four lane highway. The sun blazes on the concrete covered surface and onto my tanned, but slowly reddening skin. It's a typical summer day in St. Louis: hot and blindingly sunny with a suffocating humidity. And ugly. Incredibly ugly. The street I've chosen to walk down is particularly ugly. It's what I think of when I imagine a Midwest wasteland. A commercial area, everything a bit run-down, dilapidated, old parking lots consuming the majority of the space I can see. Junky billboards line the street. Certainly neon lights leading to dark bowling alley bars by night. What better street to pick when searching for the motivation to escape?