Thoughts of a First Grader

My First Day of School

              Today was the scariest first day of school I ever had. You have to be on your toes every second when you're in the first grade. Today I did it all. I got into a fight on the playground, got sent to the principal's office and got the rabies all in one day!
         When we first got to that infamous place called school, my mom had to drag me out the car into the classroom. I didn't want to go, so I held onto my mom's leg really tight! They would have never got me off. They had deviously planned for a situation like mine. Janitor brought out a pair of pliers from behind his back and managed to overcome my superman-like strength for just one second. But in that second, my mom escaped by taking a flying leap out the window... not really. Actually, she just walked out on her only son, slightly chuckly as she left. She sounded kinda happy...I felt betrayed. Before I could respond to the harsh betrayal I had experienced, the janitor picked me up and tied me to my chair. It was so scary! Those people must have known everything about me. My name was on a sticker on the table! It was like they knew I was coming or something.
                When the rest of the class had arrived and been tied to their seats, an ancient woman stepped into the classroom.  I just managed to get a glimpse of the room she came out of before the door closed. I swear there was a coffin in that room! Maybe that's where teachers spend their summer. I am going to secretly call her "The Ancient One".
              The door slamming made the whole class give her their undivided attention (including the sleeping ones.) Then she began an encouraging speech,"Thus begin the worst twelve years of your life and you can't escape. If you don't go to school, you will go to jail...forever..."
         Then she told us that I would learn my adcs, to recognize shapes, learn all my colors, and even count higher than all of my fingers or toes. This day was just getting worse as it went on. When she asked if there where any questions, I raised my hand and she called on me. I asked, "Do they serve pizza in prison?" Her piercing glare shut me up for the rest of class... or at least the next five minutes. During those five minutes, I devised a plan where I would escape by jumping out the window. My scheming was interupted when the huge boy who sat across from me comforted me by saying, "Don't worry man, the first grade has been the best 10 years of my life."
                  To start math, the Ancient One handed out worksheets with problems on them. The first problem was 5+6. That was so easy. The answer was 56. The boy across from me looked like he was having trouble. He was using his fingers to help him but I bet he didn't the answer right. I was the first to finish the worksheet. School wasn't so bad. This stuff was easy.
                  Then the Ancient One handed out pictures to color. I think my picture was a tiger. But coloring a tiger was too easy for me, so I decided to draw the inner soul of the tiger. Later I saw the teacher walking around making comments about people's artwork.  When she got to the girl next to me she said, "Beautiful job, you colored in the lines." Next was my picture. I held it up for her to see and she said, "Well, I think we have a future abstract artist here, good job." I was so proud. As she walked away, I think I heard her say something about finding a trashcan to hurl in. Teachers must have fragile health. 
                  Then came the time of day that proves that God loves small children. It was time for recess. I ran down onto the playground and started making a full-sized sculpture of the Eiffel Tower out of sand. I had almost finished the first block of the foundation when a fat boy came over and knocked it over. He said, "You're stupid and your mom dresses you funny!" That made me so mad. I had told my mom that I didn't want to go to a school that had uniforms!  So I hit him in the stomach. My fist just bounced off. Then he hit me in the eye. I ran screaming to the nurse's office. When she asked me what happened, I told her that a bull gored me on my way to class. She nodded in approval and told me that this school was getting wilder by the year.
                  When we got to science class, the teacher told me it was my turn to feed the hamster during lunch. When it was time for lunch, I walked over to the cage. And the hamster was DEAD! It wasn't even moving! So I shook the cage just to make sure it was dead. And you know what, the hamster was only sleeping. I reached into the cage to pick up the hamster to feed it and it bit me HARD on my little finger! I ran screaming to the nurse's office. When she asked me what happened, I told her that I was attack by a grizzly bear and I just managed to win. She just nodded in approval. I could tell that the nurse and I would be the best of friends.
                  Then I ran to lunch and tried to find the group to sit with. I ended up sitting at the Accident-Prone table. I didn't know what that meant, but it sounded cool. Did you know that the boy across from me had broken his arm twenty times? It was awesome! But he was the guy who called me a liar when I told him how I got my black eye and he wasn't even allowed to call me that. So I thought, maybe, if I pegged him in the face with my applesauce he would not say that again. But he ducked when I threw it and the applesauce sailed over his head. It sailed hit the Principal! I could see his face turn purple like my sister's dress as applesauce slid down his face. I didn't even have time to scream as he dragged me down the hall to his office. He locked the door behind him and I was severely freaked out.
                Then he opened a closet and pulled out a canoe paddle... maybe we were going to go on a canoe trip! The last time I went on a canoe trip, my sister flipped her canoe on a huge waterfall. It was awesome! I loved going on canoe trips... but I was wrong. The principal didn't want to go canoeing. So I asked, "Why would you need a canoe paddle then?" I soon found out. I couldn't sit down all the rest of the day.
                  Well, that was my firstest day of school. Maybe tomorrow I will bring my Taser to school so I wouldn't get gored...again. My parents tell me I am accident-prone. I guess I sat at the right table. I am cool like that.