How to write a book

How to write a book

There are a few simple steps to writing a book; tripping over yourself isn't one of them and the steps you may want to know are to be found in this essay. Others you will need a step ladder for and please, watch your step. The author will not be held accountable for any accidents. One of the most important prerequisites you will need as a writer is time. Just a word of advice, never let on to how long the book took to write or that you cried from time to time. A year for a fifty word children's book seems a bit excessive unless of course you are Dr Seuss and the book happens to be 'The Cat in the Hat', then that is another story, in more ways than one.
That the aforementioned choose to limit the number of different words used to fifty is astonishing; effectively choosing something most authors prefer to avoid viz: being lost for words. It seems to answer the question 'Has the cat got your tongue? , perfectly, well in this case the good doctors anyway.
It's simplicity defies description and attempting to describe this ineffable work of genius the cat will have your tongue also.
Write a rough draft first, that is of course if you haven't got writers block, more on that later, if I can find the words. A rough draft should include plenty of spelling mistakes of the type your six year old nephew can spot. ( If he asks cheekily to see some more of your work tell him to sod off and write his own.) Grammatical eras, whoops I mean errors are o.k also. This after all is a rough draft; a work in progress.

The first page is one of the most important of your entire book. It always pays to write an entire book and a book by definition has a beginning ,middle and ending. Don't ask me why I didn't make up the rules. Unfortunately the first page is often the most problematic causing what is referred to in many circles as first page anxiety or F.P.A. Essentially it is just like writers block except more acute. You would like to start your novel and with each passing minute your anxiety deepens or intensifies or any other descriptor that makes it more than it already is. I guess it's sort of like sitting next to a time bomb listening intently and wondering what to do next. The tick-tocks seem slightly irregular suggesting this particular time bomb has seen better days and possibly could be faulty. This all just adds greatly to the unpredictability of everything of the 'I wonder what is going to happen next variety. The truth is nothing is going to happen, you would like to disenable this bomb but you are the one that has been disabled.
Reading between the lines you see there still are no real lines, not with words on anyway and at this point I like to introduce what I refer to as second first page or S.F.P for short.
I feel having two pages greatly enhances ones chances of overcoming this excruciatingly frustrating hurdle. Falling over, usually on your face at the first hurdle is not only embarrassing but also shakes your confidence. You are not into 'losing face' so early on in the piece, just try to convince your publisher the inevitable delays at the beginning of such a worthwhile adventure always seem to take a little longer than anticipated and the book is still in there somewhere, in much the same way as she considers you being 'out there' somewhere.
You should know in advance what your book is meant to be about; I say should because this is not always necessary and I find it can restrict creativity, which as we all know is more than a little whimsical, preferring to do what it wants when it wants rather than being governed by a rigid set of rules. As such I actually make it up as I go along; I find when you as the author are unsure of what is going to happen next it imparts a great degree of unpredictability and excitement to the writing process generally, hopefully to the book also.
Occasionally I drop the plot, quite deliberately, halfway through the novel just when everyone thinks they have an inkling of what is about to transpire. I then proceed with replacing it with a style more congruent with Virginia Woofes 'To the lighthouse' where nothing really happens, which happens to happen a lot, if not all the time.We are more concerned here with the characters thoughts and feelings and not so much with what they are doing. Here thoughts take precedence over action which is reflected in the way one should go about writing this stuff with very little writing being replaced with a tremendous amount of thought.
Make sure you don't change the books style until at least two pages into the book; you do not want to confuse potential customers, well not until they get home anyway.
Take care with copyright laws and if you are unlucky enough to breach any of them just direct any problems to your printer and leave the country taking all the back roads.
All of this can be viewed favorably as inspiration for your next book, "How to breach copyright and get away unsinged". Admittedly a book title like this will lead people to believe you have come off your hinges but as successful writer you need above such criticism and remember 'as one door closes or in this case falls to the floor another door isn't necessary.
Anyway I must get back to those dreaded first pages and to all you budding writers out there just remember you can be doing things that are yet to be defined.
With light, love and laughter
Bic- Calamus