My Life

I moved away from my home at age 9. That's basically when my life became hard. It wasn't really because of the move. It was mostly because that's when the people around me started to change.
It was the summer before 4th grade. I changed then too. In summer camp, the cool kids decided they liked me and I decided to hang out with them. Before the move, I was innocent, but those kids changed me. They were nasty to whoever wasn't in their group. So was I. I'm still ashamed of my behavior today. When I meet someone who was in summer camp with me then, and they say something like: "Oh, you were the girl who called me ugly and wouldn't share with me." I remember that every time someone is being a jerk to me for no reason. I did that too once upon a time. Now I try really hard to be nice. There are a lot of important qualities to have in life, but I think the most important one is kindness. It's good to be smart, funny, understanding. But all good qualities should be used in order to be kind. If you're smart you can help a friend with their schoolwork instead of plotting mean pranks on them. If you're funny you can cheer up a friend by making them laugh instead of telling nasty jokes making fun of others. I think all good qualities revolve around kindness and all bad qualities revolve around cruelty, and the world is fighting a battle between kindness and cruelty. We all think to ourselves, I'm a kind person usually, but very often we choose to be mean, because people might make fun of us if we don't, or we might seem weak or cowardly if we don't. The truth is, if you stand up to what you think is right, it's exactly the opposite of being a coward. That's being brave. And if people make fun of you for making the right choice, they're not really your friends and you're better off without them.
Some people do favors with an expectation to get a favor back. I prefer to do favors anonymously. That way I know that I did it for the world and not for me. Every favor you do is a favor to the whole world, and vice versa; every cruel thing you do is being cruel to the world. You might think calling someone a name is nothing and that after a day or two they'll forget about it and that's the end of it, but if you hurt their feelings, the chances are quite high that they'll be in a lousy mood, even only for a few hours, but in those few hours they might run into somebody else and be say something even the tiniest bit unfriendly, which can put that person in a bad mood, and you never know how far that will go and be passed on. But when you do someone a favor they'll be in a good mood and they'll be kind to others and spread that on. I do a lot of favors anonymously. In a way they're also doing me a favor though, because when I see that smile people get or the way their eyes glow with happiness, and I know that I caused that, that's so much better than a friend buying me ice cream or anything like that. There was once a boy who wasn't very nice to me for no particular reason, and he applied to the school my brother was learning in, and the principal asked my brother about a lot of the kids from our neighborhood. He asked if they were good kids and a bunch of other things. My brother and I don't always get along but we've always had each others' backs. I told my brother to make sure to say good things about that boy. I'm not really sure why I did that. I think it was because I know that this boy wasn't always a jerk and he won't always be. I know that I make mistakes sometimes too, and one day he'll change and he'll deserve to be accepted to that school, and if I don't do this favor now it might be too late when he does change.
I believe that every person has a good side and a bad side. I have a special gift from god. I can see through people. It doesn't take me long at all to see the good side of somebody even when they're only showing me their bad side. I know that boy has a good side, and I've seen it before, and I know that every person has a period in their life when they make lots of mistakes. Sometimes even big ones. He must be at that stage. I was there not so long ago. But he will turn around. I did. And I believe that he will. I believe in people. I believe that people are good.
In 5th grade a girl called me fat. I wasn't fat, and it just so happened to be that she was fat. I didn't call her fat back because I know that sometimes one mean word can cause a lot of damage, and when she decides to change and be a good person she won't deserve to have that bad feeling. God will give every person what they deserve. That's not up to me. Sometimes I fall short of my beliefs. I can't say that I never do all the mean things that I wrote here. I'm not perfect. I call people names sometimes. I make jokes about people once in a while. You can never be perfect. Only god can, but you can always try to be, and every second that you're not trying to be a better person, you're sinking to a lower level. Don't promise yourself you'll never bully someone because you'll never be able to keep that promise. Instead, after you bully someone, make sure you understand what you did, and you try harder to be a better person to make up for the bad thing you just did.
You also have to remember that if people do something mean to you, you probably did something wrong. Sometimes they just make fun of the way you look or clothes you wear. That is something you can't help. But in most cases of gossip and things like that, the people who are to blame are the person who speaks it and the person its about, because you must of done something to make them dislike you and want to talk badly about you.
You also have to look around you and see if there is anyone around you who is lonely. There's a girl in my class who has no friends. Everybody hangs out with their own friends and sticks to their cliques, which is fine but you still have to help other people who might be different than you. Nobody meant to hurt that girl's feelings but nobody paid any attention to her. We all figured that she had her clique just like I have my clique. One day she stood up in front of the class and said: "I have no friends." Everybody was in shock and felt terrible. The truth is, she's quite strange, but so what??? There is no reason why she should be a loner. There's no reason anyone should be a loner. Everyone is in the world for a reason. Nobody is extra or unimportant. We're all equal and we should all be treated equally.
Don't be quick to judge people. There is always something you don't know about a person. Even your closest friend who knows a lot about you and you know a lot about her, or your brother that you've known all his life. When you see someone make a bad choice, you may not know what the story behind it is. Maybe its not what you think, or maybe they really did make a mistake but something was disturbing them at the time which caused them to make the bad choice. I know that and I try really hard not to judge people, because once I made a terrible mistake and it cost me a few friends and a good reputation. I just wish they could have given me the benefit of the doubt, because I know that I had a really good reason to do it. I wasn't an excuse because what I did was wrong and I shouldn't have done it, but I know that I had something in my life that was upsetting, that nobody knew about, and it upset me so much that I wasn't thinking properly and I did something stupid. Sometimes its not even like that. Sometimes you might say something without think and regret it the second it comes out, but you still said it and the people who heard it will probably judge you for what you said but you know that you never meant to say it.
Recently I was in a situation where I was hurt by one of my friends. She managed to turn it around and make me look like a jerk. If I had done something wrong I would admit it. In this case I was officially innocent. It turned out that I totally lost here because first I was hurt, then I was blamed for the thing I was the victim of and then that girl convinced her friends to hate me. They even made a page on the internet about how much they hate me. I was really hurt. I honestly didn't do anything to any of those girls ever that made me deserve this.
Right before that happened, I found out my grandfather was really sick. So sick that my mother might have to fly into America while my dad is away and leave me with our neighbors. So sick that he can barely talk on the phone. My mother even said that she may have to fly in to say goodbye. We had a family reunion planned for the summer. When I asked her what we're going to do about that since my grandfather is sick, she said she hopes he gets better but she can't plan the summer because we don't even know about tomorrow.
At that time, all I needed was good friends. Then the whole thing came up where I was blamed for no reason. I'm writing this in tears and I can't even call a friend. I have lots of friends but that friend was someone I was really close to. She made me doubt everyone. Right now I don't trust anyone. All I need is a friend who I can trust and this one girl managed to ruin that for me. I don't think she or her other friends ever thought how much it could hurt someone when they made a public page on the internet. Obviously they didn't care. That's my problem. I care. I care about them. I care about everyone. I would never do anything like that to them, even though they deserve it.
How did this world get so messed up? When did people stop caring about other people?
Nobody knows how I feel. I have a lot of friends and most of the time I'm a happy person, but those few moments when I really need a friend, I'm screwed because I don't trust anyone enough. I love my friends but I never feel like they love me that much back. Very few people know about my grandfather. I only told two friends. If I tell everyone they'll say I want attention and anyways I don't trust the world. I can't keep putting myself out there to use, to torture, but I do. I will. That's who I am. That's who I've been for a long time. I guess that's just me.