Geronimo!

    Never in the course of human history has there ever been such an intrepid explorer as Geronimo Hieronymus.  He has scaled the slopes of Mt. Kilimanjaro, braved the icy tundra of Antarctica, and ascended to the very top of Mt. Everest!  He has stared down lions on the African savanna.  He has butted heads with the temperamental mountain goats of the Rockies.  He has even faced an entire school of ravenous piranhas and came out with only minor nicks and scrapes!

    His resounding success, however, couldn’t prepare him for his next great adventure.  True, good ol’ Geronimo may have been able to keep it cool while stranded in the vast Sahara, but even his nerves were tested when he was faced with his newest challenge:  Hollywood traffic!  Apparently, when the speed limit sign reads 65, it means “Pretend you’re driving on the Autobahn!” 

    What was worse, this world-renowned explorer was having problems finding Exit 236B.  What was even worse was that production of his brand new, highly overrated television show Geronimo! would begin in less than six hours!  Even dreadfully worse, his trusty Range Rover that had traveled the earth with him was beginning to make strange noises!

    “Hmm,” Geronimo grumbled in his strange accent that no one can really place.  “I knew I should have gotten that oil change before I left Panama.”  Smoke began to billow from under the hood.  As the engine finally gave out, he rolled off to the side of the road.  “Well,” his sighed, “I guess I’m walking.  Now, if I could just figure out where I’m going I would have no problemo.”

    Geronimo, being who he was, was always prepared for any situation that could arise out in the middle of nowhere.  He always wore his hiking clothes, which consisted of a white cotton shirt, khaki shorts, and a sturdy pair of boots to match.  Unfortunately, he wasn’t out in the middle of nowhere.  He went to the rear hatch of his Range Rover and opened the duffle bag that contained his mountain climbing equipment.  After suiting up with the gear, he grabbed another backpack and slipped it on.  Before leaving his Rover alone in the treacherous, uncharted wilderness of Hollywood, he remembered to activate the security system.

    Thus began Geronimo Hieronymus’ next great adventure in the one environment he had never explored.  No one seemed to notice the seven foot tall man strolling along the freeway.  Of course, in Hollywood nothing is out of the ordinary.

    He grumbled to himself as he reviewed his map, “How can anyone figure out where to go in this place?  All these roads crisscrossing all over!  It’s a wonder anyone gets anywhere!”  He checked his compass.  “Good thing I figured out the studio’s coordinates before leaving the jungle.”  He turned around in a circle until he pinpointed the direction he needed to go.  “Ah, here we are!  Shouldn’t be long now.” 

    He peered over the edge of the overpass he had just come upon.  The compass pointed to the line of buildings just across the street from his current position.  The only problem was that it was across the street currently located below him.  Sure, he could take the easy way and continue walking across the overpass, and then take the streets that would invariably bring him to his desired location, but this was Geronimo we were talking about.  The quickest way to get from point A to point B was a straight line, even if it wasn’t the easiest.

    He quickly attached his rope to the metal guardrail and made sure it was tied on tightly.  Then, with a bit of a running start, he leaped over the railing.  Normally, people would scream “Geronimo!” right about now, but since he was Geronimo, he simply yelled, “Bonsai!”  Don’t ask me why.  Once again, this wasn’t his best day since his rope came untied mid-bonsai and he fell face-first into the grassy median.  No matter, Geronimo was used to these kinds of falls and quickly got up…after a brief three or four hour nap.  Now he was really running late.

    He could see the studio now.  The name was written on the side of the building.  Once again, there was a problem.  Between him and today’s ultimate goal were four lanes of traffic.  This would be enough to dissuade any normal man from attempting to continue, but not Geronimo!  He had survived countless stampedes:  wildebeests, antelopes, kangaroos, Chihuahuas, and-the most horrible of all, porcupines!  Seventy to eighty mile per hour traffic should be no problem.  He reached into his back pack and pulled out an old helmet.  Once it was firmly attached to his cranium, he went for it.

    But, Geronimo had another problem.  He had forgotten to remove the harness that attached to rope to his body.  He leaped passed the first lane of traffic, missing the car by an inch.  As soon as a gap opened up, he dashed across the next lane like a 280 pound Frogger!  Unfortunately, the sudden movement had sent the rope airborne.  It got snagged on the hood ornament of a passing limousine, pulling poor Geronimo along with it! 

    He slammed into the back end of a semi trailer, but managed to hold on before dropping to the pavement.  The limo was driving along side the truck.  He tried to loosen the harness to no avail.  He couldn’t hold on and remove the rope at the same time!  The truck passed under the overpass he’d just jumped from.  He was going the wrong way!  What was worse, he began to feel a small tug at his harness as the limo began to accelerate.

    He quickly grabbed a hold of the top of the trailer and began to climb around to the side.  If he couldn’t remove the harness, he would have to pull the rope off of the limo.  As he neared the cab, the limo pulled in front of the truck, stretching the rope across the windshield.  Its turn signal was still on.  The limo was going to change lanes again!  Up ahead, Geronimo could see the exit it must have been attempting to take.  Ironically, it was Exit 236B.

    “Oh, there it is!” Geronimo exclaimed, forgetting his predicament at the moment.  The limo changed lanes, tightening the rope against the cab of the truck.  “Uh-oh!” he gasped as he tried to hold on.

    The limo suddenly braked and turned towards the exit ramp.  The tension was too much for Geronimo to bear!  He let go of the truck, slid across the hood of the cab, and flew through the air like a tetherball!  Then he plummeted like a yo-yo being controlled by a person who has absolutely no skill at using a yo-yo, and crashed through the sunroof of the limousine.  Luckily for him, the sunroof was open.

    “Geronimo!!” the limo’s passenger shouted.  Once his eyes pointed in the same direction again, Geronimo recognized that it was his show’s producer, Professor Arthur Fuzzbrain!  He was a genius in all things scientific, even if they were a bit farfetched.

    “Oh, hey, Professor!” Geronimo said, still a little dizzy from the crash.  “How’s it going?  Just thought I’d drop in and ask for directions to the studio.  I got a little lost!”

    “Uh, well, we’re headed there now,” Fuzzbrain replied.

    “Really?  Great!  That’s wonderful!”  Geronimo exclaimed.  “Do you think I could get a ride?”

    “Well, um, you already are,” Fuzzbrain pointed out.

    “Oh.  Right,” Geronimo said after pondering that point for a moment.  “Are we there yet?”  Fuzzbrain didn’t say another word, but simply pointed out the window as they passed beneath the studio’s entrance sign.  “Wow.  You guys are fast!”  And thus ended yet another fantastic adventure of the world’s greatest explorer:  Geronimo Hieronymus!  Stay tuned until next time when Geronimo explores the perplexing labyrinth of his father’s nursing home in:  Geronimo! 2:  The Quest for Pappy’s Dentures!