Necessary Suicide

They say your life is not finished so you must stay. Each night I fall asleep and ask to have beautiful dreams to remember. But they do not happen. I wake to the sunlight of another day. I cry and try to maintain my composure so no one knows my true wish. Never to wake again. I am not depressed and I don't want to die. But I am left alone every day. And I am alone. The family laughs at me because they do not believe in me. I try very hard to intermingle and be like them. But each day I breathe I suffocate in sorrow because I am different. Not physically really but in a spiritual way no one understands.
I did not ask to be this way but I did ask to be in this family who does not believe in me. I was told to change things. But not given guidance in what to change. I wander through life with confusion and shame. Because I am different. I search for the guidance opening doors only for them to close rapidly before me. An inspiring light from the past even grows dim and no longer leads my way. I am alone again to search for guidance. To face the unforgiving sunlight of each new day. My heart still beats as I lay dying and drowning in confusion and pain.
I ask myself in the search for guidance is it worth it if it will stop the pain? The confusion? The shame? How has life lead me to this? I blame no one. I just want to understand. I don't want to be alone. So I sleep in search of my light from my past that has grown dim to lead my way. I do not wish to wake until I have found it. It is my only redemption. My hope is that it will be holding onto my heart that has been lost and forgotten. Will it remember me? Or has it moved on?
I will pray for the light from my past to return and show me the way. I felt in a time and place that it was my only way to be accepted and forgiven. For it did not judge me of my sorrow and shame. I pray for the light to return and rescue me from my necessary suicide.