Dam Beavers - Star Commander Episode

Star Commander Season 1, Episode 7 - DAMN BEAVERS!


This adventure brings the crew to Savelle, a small third planet world that has asked Fuzzywidget for help with their unexpected draught. The crew runs into old friends, drinks a little too much and battles giant mechanical beavers. What a blast. Please tell me what you think, I am looking for criticism. Please print out a copy of the Quick Character sketches to familiarize yourself with the cast. Thank you!

-Geoff Cook



Printed on
6/14/2008
Film Type: Animated Comedy Series SEASON: 1
Film Length: 20 minutes (until canceled) EPISODE: 7

Dam Beavers

SCENE 0- The Savellites are calling into Fuzzywidget to ask for assistance.


Savellite: We’re dying of thirst!

Fuzzywidget: What do you want from me?

Savellite: We need water! Hurry!

Fuzzywidget: We’ll I’ll think about it during my shower.

Savellite: You take showers?

Fuzzywidget: All the time, why?

Savellite: Oh, I never get to take showers anymore. Our river dried up. I can see that you are busy. I will come to you to plead for assistance.

Fuzzywidget: No, showers, huh? How bout I send a crew down with some water that I don’t need anymore?

Savellite: Oh, thank you Thank you! Wait…what do you mean you don’t need it anymore…

Fuzzywidget: Fuzzywidget Out! (Opening credits.)


SCENE 1- Command Center, Fuzzywidget is giving Star instructions.


Fuzzywidget: Star, I am sending you on a mission to take care of a water shortage on the third world planet of Fluorine. (Close up of Fuzzywidget.)

Star: You do remember what happened last time we went on a water mission, right? (The camera backs out, revealing Fuzzywidget, who drops his towel and turns on the shower. Azalea is scrubbing his back. He is too fuzzy to expose anything.)

Fuzzywidget: Well everyone needs fresh clean water, Star. (Chunks of nasty stuff are coming off in the water as Fuzzywidget showers.)

Star: I see you are doing your part.

Fuzzywidget: Actually, I am. This shower water may be going down a drain, but it leads into a tank that will be transported to a Fluorine for drinking water. (The camera goes down Fuzzywidget’s nasty body to his feet, where he stomps the chunks down the drain.)

Star: But the children, they’ll all die!

Fuzzywidget: Star, you know you have to be twenty-one to drink alcohol and eighty-one to drink old people bath broth.

Star: That’s good to know. I have many safe years ahead of me.

Fuzzywidget: I will send a grey wig and a fake ID with the mission request and a fresh sample just for you. (He pulls out a ladle.)

Star: Sir, that won’t be necessary.

Fuzzywidget: Of course it is, I’d hate to see you get busted. Fuzzywidget out!


SCENE 2 – The Sexy Beast is flying away from Fred with a twelve million gallon Jug attached to the bottom by ropes. The jug is not stable and is splashing as it hits things.


Star: OK crew, We have on board with us twelve million gallons of the nastiest substance known to man, or alien.

Ernie: Did Ug fire out a number three?

Ug: Oh that many number threes would take a weekend to produce and my ass would be so sore. (He shudders.)

Star: Close. Fuzzywidget is having us cart the water from his most recent shower to the city of Savelle on planet Fluorine.

Brandi: The poor children!

Star: I know!

Angela: Ug can you send me the coordinates to Savelle on planet Fluorine?

Ug: Savelle? I can never forget Savelle.


SCENE 3 - Flash back scene. Ug has an old fling from Savelle. She is blind and so she is perfect for him. He feels bad that he is so ugly and she is blind. He feels like he is taking advantage of her. Ug and his blind girlfriend, Genevieve, go to the movies, races, fights, and other events that require sight.


Genevieve: Ug, I have something to tell you.

Ug: What is it my dear?

Genevieve: I am blind.

Ug: Well that explains a lot. (Shots of Genevieve running into poles, off of cliffs, into the fights.)

Ug: But I took you to the movies, shows and fights…

Genevieve: I’m sorry.

Ug: Why would you want to go to a movie when you can not see?

Genevieve: I just wanted to be with you! (She runs off crying and runs into several things on her way out.)


SCENE 4 – Back to reality


Ug: Genevieve!

Angela: What?

Ug: Um, Yes, Fluorine. I am very familiar with that planet.

Angela: Good, because I don’t want the only other sane creature on this ship to go crazy.

Brandi: What? I’m sane! (She is wearing her goofy inventing goggles.)


SCENE 5- A little fluff village on an asteroid. The Sexy Beast accidentally bumps into meteors and small planets spilling the broth and killing thousands of species.


Fluff Grandpa: Now that we live on this meteor, we won’t have to worry about those flesh eating monsters any more. (They are fluffy creatures and the mom has a piece of her ass missing.)

Fluff Mom: Thank goodness! Hey, what’s that smell?

Fluff Kid: I don’t know.

Fluff Mom: We’re all gonna die! (The vat of bath water hits the meteor and splashes on it. They all die except grandpa.)

Fluff Grandpa: Yum, bath broth! (He drinks it.)


SCENE 6- Back in the Command Center of the Sexy Beast.


Ug: I feel something.

Angela: What is it Ug?

Ug: It’s like millions of voices all cried out at once… (Ug farts.) Never mind, it was gas.

Og: My toy is broken.

Ug: Ha, get in line. (Piles of broken toys surround Ug’s workstation.)

Brandi: Oh no, what toy?

Og: Kill bot three thousand from the bloodlust evil pupas snatcher movie.

Brandi: Oh, poor you. (Sarcastic)

Og: I know. It just ain’t right. (Og shakes his head.)

Brandi: Oh geez, what do I need to do to make you happy? (Og perks up.)

Og: Fix kill bot three thousand. (Og holds up the broken toy.)

Brandi: He’s only missing a screw. Find it and I’ll fix it for you.

Og: I will find that screw if it’s the last thing I do! (He takes a screw out of the command center.)

Brandi: NO! If you take that screw, it will be the last thing you ever do!

Og: But it might work. Can’t fixing my toy be the last thing I do?

Brandi: No, if you pull out the screw that is keeping the life support system together, it will be the last thing any of us do.

Og: Why?

Brandi: Ugh!

Og: Ok, I’ll just take this one. (Brandi shakes her head no) This one… (Brandi shakes her head no) This one… (Brandi shakes her head no) This one… (Brandi shakes her head no) This one…

Brandi: No stealing screws that we are using!

Og: Where are the screws you aren’t using?

Brandi: I’ll look for some in the maintenance shack.

Og: Oooh, about that… I already checked.

Brandi: What?

Og: Yeah, none of them fit my toy. (The shack is in the background floating away.)

Brandi: Oh, you are so fixing that!

Og: OK, do you have any screws?

Brandi: GRR!

Og: So how are we gonna fix kill bot?

Brandi: Your stupid toy looks like it was made in china. You need metric screws. I built this ship to metric specifications using American parts. You won’t find the screws you need on this ship.

Og: I figured as much. I tried a bunch of them. (A large portion of the ship falls off.)

Brandi: Damn it!

Ernie: Wait, you built this ship to metric standards?

Brandi: Yes.

Ernie: Using English Standard screws?

Brandi: Yes, it was very hard and stupid to do, now shut up.

Ernie: Sorry. But how are we gonna fix the ship? It’s flying apart!

Brandi: I know! I-Doc!

I-Doc: What? (Cranky.)

Brandi: You sure have a lot of attitude for someone who can be shut off.

I-Doc: Please shut me off, I’m tired.

Brandi: No. Can you stretch out and grab the ship chunks that flew away?

I-Doc: Fine, but I like to sleep after stretching.

Brandi: I figured. (I-Doc stretches out and pulls in the pieces of the ship. He has to hold it together while they land.)

Angela: OK, we’re in range, Ug coordinates, please.

Ug: Downloading. Oh, damn it! Who yanked the phone cord out? Damn Astronauts Online Stupid service contract. (He plugs it back in.)

Angela: Thank you Ug.

Brandi: How you doing I-Doc?

I-Doc: Getting sleepy…ZZZ. (The ship starts sliding apart.)

Brandi: Come on I-Doc, Hold it together. If we crash, we all die.

I-Doc: Really?

Brandi: Or get horribly injured, requiring lots of medical attention.

I-Doc: Oh, crap. Fine. (He pulls the ship tighter together.


SCENE 7- The crew lands in the city of Savelle. The giant vat is dropped off and the SB lands. The crew adds a spigot that Brandi built and start serving the water. The local populous is dried up and some of them are dying. Star spits on the ground and the locals fight over the wet dirt. Brandi gives them water off of the ship and orders Hensons to keep it coming.



SCENE 8- Og keeps stealing screws to try and find one that fits his broken toy from China on Mars. The city’s items are getting broken. Brandi is checking everyone’s ID before giving them the broth.

Henson: Here you go sir.

Codger: Is this stuff safe?

Henson: I think so.

Codger: Well you better try some, to make sure.

Henson: OK. (He drinks some, looks happy, then starts melting.)

Codger: Now, that’s the way I like it. I’ll take a glass. Sir, Sir? (Henson is dead. Brandi is helping another elderly gentleman.)

Brandi: You are only eighty, come back next year.

Old guy: I turn eighty one in two days.

Brandi: Well you will understand then.

Old guy: Dang it.

Customer 1: Thirsty, need bath water.

Brandi: With our without pulp?

Customer 1: Without.

Brandi: With our without hair?

Customer 1: Without.

Brandi: With our without chunks?

Customer 1: Without.

Brandi: You better just wait for some real water then.

Customer 1: Oh, that sounds nice. (Genevieve walks by.)

Ug: Genevieve!

Genevieve: Ug? (They run toward each other and Genevieve runs into a pole.)

Ug: Genevieve, it is you!

Genevieve: Ug, my darling! You came back! Ug…

Ug: Yes, Genevieve?

Genevieve: I saved myself for you.

Ug: You did?

Genevieve: Well… there were several times when random men claimed to be you, and sometimes several at a time, which was kind of confusing. I couldn’t see and so I thought it was you and I let them… Uh…but uh well, I saved my heart for you. (There are several guys behind her smiling and some are wearing Ug cloaks.)

Man 1: Uh, oh. Ug’s back.

Man 2: My name’s Ug.

Ug: Grr! Well I have returned, my love and I am here to rescue you and your city. (He turns around and she has started making out with another guy in an Ug cloak.)

Genevieve: Oh, Ug!

Ug: You bastard! (Ug kicks the guy’s ass and eats him.) Who is next, bitches? Bring it!

Genevieve: Ug, my man! (She sticks her head in his cloak’s head hole and there are muffled screams and giggles from both of them.)

Star: Well, its time to do what we came here to do. (Star approaches a cute woman.)

Woman: Hi, are you here to rescue our village?

Star: Yes I am, sexy native woman.

Woman: Well, if you survive, I will give myself to you.

Star: You mind giving me a kiss for good luck?

Woman: I think that I am sacrificing enough on the slim chance that you don’t die. You see, we drew straws and I got the short one. (Other girls are holding straws and one is slowly hiding scissors behind her.)

Star: Let’s go, my faithful crew! My beautiful damsel awaits my return so that I may pleasure her.

Henson: What? I don’t want to do this.

Ernie: Me either. (Star Shoots Henson and aims his gun at Ernie.) Never mind! Never mind!)

Star: Come on guys, let’s go! We are heroes and my damsel can’t wait until I return.

Woman: Please save us…then die…or don’t save us, just please die.


SCENE 9 – The crew follows the dry creek bed back to the source of the shortage and finds a dam. (I-doc is with them and Some Hensons.)


Star: Dam!

Ernie: What?

Star: There’s a dam. Well, crew, we have our answer, we must now hang our heads in defeat, find the nearest bar, and drink.

Ernie: Oh, no. Wait! There’s a bar right over there!

Brandi: Oh, now you can use your fake ID, Star.

Star: I want to be drunk, not dead. Yeesh.

Angela: We’re not going to get drunk or dead until we find out why the dam is here.

Star: Dam! Can’t we just drink until we think that’s what happened?

Ernie: One dam way to find out!

Brandi: Not so dam fast, we can get drunk after we smash the dam.

Star: But that sounds like work, and I am dying of thirst.

Angela: Alcohol dries you out and makes you thirstier.

Star: Well what do you call it when you don’t have enough alcohol?

Angela: Withdrawal.

Star: Yes, that is how I feel. Withdrawaly.

Ug: If I am able to get close enough to make an accurate dam investigation, I may be able to determine if there are any weak points. We can also see how much dam water has been detained and figure out what would dam it.

Star: Watch your dam mouth.


SCENE 10 – Og is trying out a bunch of screws to see if they will fix his toy. The city of Savelle is in ruins behind him.


Og: Dang it! None of these screws work either.

Savellite: The evil one has arrived, he has destroyed our town, as the drought has destroyed our children and livestock! (Og walks away and the city is falling apart behind him and some things fall into a fire and destroy the city.)


SCENE 11 – An annoying guy sees the crew near the dam and bugs them as they climb.


Annoying guy: Hey alien dude! I like your Star Mapper!

Ug: Uh, yes thank you, I appreciate your compliment.

Annoying guy: No, I mean it. You got the power pack, the upgraded trim and the extra antennae. Nice Unit! (Star shoots him)

Ug: Let’s hurry up and get to the top.

Angela: Ug’s right. Let’s hike to the dam top, so we can see what we’re up against, then we can come back and use the ship’s weaponry to blow up the dam at it’s weakest points. We will have to do this right, so that the dam water won’t flood the city of Savelle.

Ernie: That’s fine, but can we get a dam beer before we blow anything up?

Star: Yes, I think Ernie has an excellent dam idea.

Angela: Commander, not to undermine your incompetence but we need to complete our dam mission before we celebrate with intoxication.

Star: Dam right. What’s the point in being wasted when there is no dam story of valor to blab about to the other drunks around you? (Star pulls out a bottle and starts to drink.)


SCENE 12 - The crew is carrying Star up the dam.


Brandi: Some story of valor.

Star: I didn’t say the story had to be true, who listens to a drunk anyway? (Hiccup)

Angela: We’re about halfway up. Hey what’s that shack doing there? (At the midway point of the dam is a small crappy shack full of kegs of water. A mechanical beaver is operating a crappy puppet and trying to sell the water. The puppet looks like Ed. Because they think he is a great salesman. )

Brandi: Let’s find out.

Ernie: Hi Ed.

Beaver: Yee Ha. Would you like some water? (No personality, reading from a script)

Star: No, we’re here to figure out who dammed the place. Then we’re gonna break the dam. So who dammed it, dam it?

Beaver: That is not a good idea. Yee ha. Why don’t ya’ll just buy the water you need and forget you ever saw the dam?

Angela: No thanks, fake Ed. We’re gonna march up that dam and blow it up. (The beaver reveals himself.)

Beaver: No one will destroy all of our dam work.

Ernie: You’re not Ed, you’re a…

Brandi: Cute, little gigantic beaver robot…with missiles.

Beaver: Attack set delta. (A robot beaver on top of the dam responds.)


SCENE 13 – The beavers at the top of the dam.


Beaver 2: Uh let’s see delta, delta, not ringing a bell.

Beaver 3: I don’t know. Don’t look at me.

Beaver 4: Let’s just uh, run down the hill and attack them.

Beaver 2: OK, but what style should we use?

Beaver 4: I don’t know, just uh, do beaver stuff. Like hit ‘em with your tail and stuff.

Beaver 3: OK, but I got this laser, can I use my laser? Cuz I really like my laser. I know that I’m a beaver and stuff, but lasers are awesome.

Beaver 4: I don’t care, let’s just blow them up!

Beaver 2: OK from now on delta means just blow them up.

Beaver 3: Blow em up.

Beaver 4: OK, blow em up.

Beaver 2: Attack set delta go!

Beaver 3: OK, just so we’re clear, I can use the laser right?

Beaver 2: I’m about to go delta on your ass. Go kill whatever’s down that hill.

Beaver 3: Yes sir!

All Beavers: Attack!!!


SCENE 14 - The crew is getting ready to retaliate.


Og: Hey, I stole every screw in Savelle and none of them fit. Can I have your guns?

Angela: Back off, we’re busy. Everyone get ready to fire.

Brandi: Og, what are you doing? We’re being attacked.

Og: By what?

Brandi: Giant mechanical beavers.

Og: Mechanical? (Og goes over and starts ripping screws out of the beaver.)

Star: Everyone run!

Angela: No, we fight!

Star: Can’t we do both? (He starts running and shooting behind him, hitting I-Doc several times and killing a Henson. He hides behind rocks that are behind the crew and fires.)

Angela: Ok, crew, we’re getting hit from both sides, attack! (They pull out their blasters and fire on the beavers. I-Doc fires missiles and blows up one of the beavers. Og lusts over the screws as the beaver he was removing screws from falls apart. He tries a screw and it fits.)

Og: Brandi!

Brandi: What? I’m busy staying alive.

Og: Yeah, but this is important! I found a screw that fits!

Brandi: Great, your toy works, now go away!

Og: But what if I lose another one?

Brandi: Go away! (Brandi is in a fire fight with a beaver.)

Og: I need more screws. (Og wanders around by the beavers, stealing screws as the crew tries to blow them up. As usual Og avoids any injury as he casually dismantles beavers with Brandi’s pliers.

Star: Why is my crew firing at me? I am so confused…I’ll just gas em and ask questions later. (Star pulls out a gas bomb and throws it at them.)

Angela: Dam it! Og is in the way…(Ernie and a Henson pass out.) Damn it! Someone kill Star! (The fumes blow over to Star.)

Brandi: I’m on it. (Brandi shoots Star, he puts up a white flag and surrenders to his own crew.)

Star: Don’t shoot! Don’t shoot! I surrender!

Brandi: Why did you do that? Ernie and Henson are passed out and now we are outnumbered.

Star: Que pasta?

I-Doc: Not for long. (He launches a missile at a beaver and it blows up.)

Brandi: Ernie, wake up!

Ernie: huh? What’s that? (He sees a beaver bomb fly at them)

Brandi: Aaagh! It’s a bomb!

Ernie: That’s a big damn bomb! (The beavers bomb hits and explodes in piles of wood. A Henson goes on a suicide mission to attack a beaver because his weapon ran out. The beavers slap the ground which knocks the Henson down then they beat him into a liquid with their tails. I-Doc blows up the last two beavers, Og walks away with his screws.)

Og: I’ll be in the ship playing with my toy.

Brandi: Oh, thank God you’re happy.

Og: Yep. And I have backup screws, so this will never happen again. (Later a different size screw falls off of his toy.)


SCENE 15 - A second wave of beavers attack and the crew runs away.


Beaver 5: Attack set delta!

Beaver 6: What the hell is Delta?

Beaver 5: Just kill them all! (The crew sees the beavers coming. The crew leaves the Hensons and run toward the ship.)


SCENE 16 – Back in the ship, the Hensons are cloning.


Star: I have a plan.

Angela: Give me my plan back! Now look, we’ll send a hundred and fifty Hensons to fight the beavers and we’ll launch missiles at the locations predetermined by Ug.

Ug: Oh, Genevieve. (The missile formation forms a heart pattern.)

Angela: Is that going to work?

Ug: It represents how I feel about Genevieve although neither of us have an organ like that.

Angela: Will that pattern blow up the dam?

Ug: Uh, no. Here, try this.(The pattern changes to a cross shape.)

Angela: Fire!

Ernie: Locked, loaded and bombs away! (He fires the missiles.)

Angela: Those were missiles.

Ernie: Who’s the expert huh?




Henson: Why would the dam be built by a group of evil robot beavers?

Ug: The robot beaver’s natural habitat is near a water supply.

Henson: Natural?

Ug: Well, artificial habitat.

Henson: Why?

Ug: Because the way they survive is by cutting off the water supply to a weak and wealthy nation, then charging them to release water little by little

Henson: Sick bastards.

Star: Now get out there soldier and get killed.



Beaver 1: If we launch missiles at them, we’ll blow the dam up.

Beaver 2: So what? They must die!

Beaver 1: Yeah!! Fire at will!!

Beaver 2: You’re right! The greater good of the dam depends on it! (The Sexy Beast missiles crack the Dam and the Beaver’s bombs finish it.)

(As the dam breaks, the water goes back into the dry river bed and flows toward Savelle. Giant horrible water beasts get washed down the river as Star talks about how he saved the city.


SCENE 17 - The Savellites kill the beasts with Fuzzy water.


Savellite 1: Aaagh! They’re gonna kill us!

Savellite 2: Here, try this. (They throw bath water at the beasts and they die.)


SCENE 18 - Brandi and I-Doc net the big monsters and bring them back into the lake with the Sexy Beast.

Brandi: I-Doc, can you help me capture these creatures to put them back in the lake.

I-Doc: Sure, then I need to take a dam nap. (He nets them.)

Brandi: Wow, that was cool!

I-Doc: I am pretty awesome…ZZZ


SCENE 19 - The crew celebrates. Star gets into a tent with a Savelle woman after telling a big lie about how he defeated the beavers.


Star: I’m back!

Woman: Damn it! Fine. (She takes her clothes off and as she enters her tent. There are screams and Star runs out screaming.)

Star: Beavers are dangerous!

Brandi: What?

Star: I mean Savellites are dangerous!

Angela: Duh, Star. Savellites are humanoids with sex organs that are, to say the least incompatible with other humanoids.

Ug: Incompatible for some humanoids. (He is smoking with Genevieve, who looks very satisfied.)

Star: You sick bastard, how did you survive? Those beavers bite!

Ug: If you’re built right, you can bite back. (Ug’s crotch growls at Star.)

Star: Aaagh! I’m switching sides again!

Angela: I-Doc, capture the enemy.

I-Doc: Roger, Angela, whatever your name is. (He nets Star.)


SCENE 20 - The crew contacts Fuzzywidget as they fly away. Robot bunnies are approaching the village in the background.


Fuzzywidget: Well, what happened? Did the Savellites enjoy the bath water?

Angela: The survivors did.

Brandi: We found the reason for the water shortage and eliminated it.

Fuzzywidget: Water shortage? Wasn’t my water good enough?

Star: No, it killed thousands!

Fuzzywidget: Thousands, you say? Hmm. Next time I’ll be sure to shave while I’m in the shower.

Star: No, that water was only good for the eighty one and up crowd.

Brandi: The city was drying up because of some damn beavers.

Fuzzywidget: I’m glad the Savellites are safe. Well, like I always say, watch out! Beavers bite! (His crotch growls.)

Savellite: The bunnies are attacking! (On Fuzzywidget’s relayer.)

Og: Oh, no a different screw fell out. I better find another one.

Brandi: Aaagh!


(Run credits)





Audio Guide


Spoken into Video Relayer, or Command display

Spoken over the ship’s loudspeaker system

Spoken over personal communicator