The Love Van

THE LOVE VAN

Some of you may recall the 1977 Aaron Spelling television production titled The Love Boat back in the late 70’s. The star studded hour long comical and romantic escapades of its passengers and the crew aboard the ocean liner named The Pacific Princess brought many a smile to our faces. Occasionally, even Isaac, our token African American staff member and problem understanding bartender, found love on the high seas. You knew it was Isaac‘s turn to get lucky whenever a celebrity female guest star for that week’s show happened to be black as well.

The island hopping Princess has long been retired to a permanent dry-docked home in the dungeon doom of ill fated scrap metal. Perhaps her cupid seeking steel bulkheads have been recycled for razor blades or other useful purposes. The years have slipped by since the show, yet the quest to find true love is not limited to viewing fantasy television. Love haunts not only those who can afford luxury line ocean cruises to faraway places, but also to those less fortunate and have found themselves behind bars locked away in our state prisons. However, the strangling darkness of loneliness would not deter the minimum security inmates of the work detail assigned to our State Motor Pool.

An unbelievable stroke of good luck for our assigned inmates was to have a Military surplus ambulance become the property of the Motor Pool. As one inmate later phrased it, the ambulance placed him on the recovery road to sexual healing. It rescued him from his society induced summer time celibacy. A cursory glance at first would indicate to most as it to be just another out of date piece of junk metal. Sandwiched between two antique trucks whose cost to repair was well above would be the salvageable value. Management shook their heads in disgust knowing full well this piece of equipment would be of no value. The yard foreman gave instructions to tow it the fence in the last row section of the parking lot. So there it sat in decay under the magnolia trees for quite some time. It may have been a vital part at one time of a movie yet now it sets if it were a discarded stage prop from the TV show MASH. The white cross painted on both sides of the vehicle was a red flag invitation for the all ladies to open the swinging rear doors and rendezvous with their incarcerated man in the soon to be open new Motel of Love.

An overwhelming success led to a rise of determination among the inmates to maintain their sexual encounters, their goal was to maintain the utmost secrecy. Each day under the very noses of those assigned to “guard” them; they engineered a course of action for the ultimate interior renovation of now what had now become appropriately nicknamed “The Love Van”. It was only months later when one of the inmates decided to wed his fiancée in the nearby park and hold the reception in the Love Van which finally led state and prison officials to uncover the inmates hideaway.

As escape charges were heard against the minimum security inmates, albeit, the new groom in the courtroom, the judge was shocked to learn that the interior of the state owned ambulance was stripped clean of all seats, dashboard, steering wheel and mechanical devices. Cinder blocks were placed along the frame and suspension system to keep it from excessive rocking when consenting partners were engaged inside the Love Van. Wood grain paneling was installed to transform the interior into a one room studio apartment. Transformation was done with methodical care and attention to detail. The side walls were lined with thick shag rug and photos of rock groups hung for added decor. Red swivel lights in each corner and Barry White sang seductively through a four speaker stereo system installed to accent the mood. A well pull out stocked wet bar for those who cared to imbibe. Swivel Lazy Boy rocker recliner and twin bed with numerous throw cushions was available.

Testimony continued as nearby business owners gave recollected description of ladies circled up like Wagon Train surrounding the Love Van all waiting their turn to enter. One business owner went on to say he saw light refreshments being handed out before and after by some satisfied hosts with the urgency plea to hurry back for encore performances.

As the description from state officials of the transformation of Army ambulance to Love Shack continued to become more outrageous, the judge rose from his seat and called for an immediate recess. He demanded to witness the existence and the condition the Love Van to insure testimony was not embellished!

In the company of prison officials, department heads and first line supervisors of the Motor Pool, the Love Vans doors were opened. Opening the doors sent an electrical signal for Barry to start to sing and the red lights cast a delicious thrill of arousal. A perfume aroma of lavender drifted to greet and invited the new arrivals.

The words seemed to freeze upon the lips of those monetarily compensated to insure regulatory compliance with inmates. Painful vibrations of reprimand could be felt at all levels. The Love Van was ordered to be dismantled immediately. Within the hour and under the tearful eyes of those who experienced the happiness it brought to them, The Love Van was raised aboard a flat board trailer and its destination never revealed.

Although the inmates who planned, organized, directed and engineered the transformation of the Military ambulance to Love Van have long since been released, their amazing story remains alive. These once incarcerated pioneers provide a flickering degree of hope to minimum security inmates that someday they may have a chance to escape their sexual purgatory as long as they are given the opportunity to be creative.