Rebellious urge!

Rebellious urge!

I had to be tough, to beat a few buddies in grade school now and then,
I had to fuck around and act poorly to a lot of ladies, mistreat them,
I had to hate my body, I had to hate myself now and then,
I had to shoot a gun, a rifle and throw a grenade,

Oh yes I did good, arranged great games, for friends,
Oh yes I was considered crazy and funny, people loving my company,
Oh yes I was considered clever and wise, for my good spiritual play acting,

But I know I am someone very different than who people think I am,

That I in truth am less than what I often make others think,
That I in truth am not a fire, but a kindling only drying,
That I in truth, still am clinging to the seeking,
To delaying myself,

For what?

Maybe I should just shut up,
To try and be is not being, but delaying,
To try and smiling, is only pulling muscles, not feeling,

Confusion, so much to tell, even more than written here, good & bad,

Why is it that whenever I stop fearing one thing, another appears?
It is your ego son, your little self that speaks to ya, easy as pie,
And so you say, you that suffer still as me, as us all,
The clever words we so easily tell,

For what?

For what will set us free?
How can we know that, Eckhart Tolle?
Mayhap the latest spiritual text, the newest pop insight?
A Master I bet, a person wiser than us, a light that will shine!
Something other than ourselves surely, for we are only becoming ready,

But…

But what if I feel now like turning my head, looking out the window,
Feeling like discarding all these wise thoughts and words,
Feeling like not being as in BEING, NOW,
Feeling like not wording,

Texting,
Thinking,
Reading,

A song I will make,
An instrument I will learn,
A way I will walk,
A new direction will I take,
And never again fake,
Be I nothing or more,

But never pretending again to soar…

And maybe, just maybe will I roar!

We’ll see, mayhap all that will happen are these feet becoming sore…