Kicking and Screaming

Kicking and Screaming

If I could re-do my life there is a few things I would have changed. I would be less shy; I’ve always been intimidated by those that had an outgoing personality. If that wasn’t enough I had goals and dreams that could have came true, but I didn’t want to take the chance, and risk making my life any different. I was moderately comfortable with my life, but all good things come to an end.

If I could do-over my life I would. There are many things I should have done different. I should have grew a back bone and stood up to the elementary school bully (the same one that made high school just as “fun” or at least the classes that I had with her).  I should have done my homework and studied for tests (as boring as it sounds it might have made a difference now). I should have made better friends in high school. Then again, who would have known that things would be so messed up.  I regret going with a random guy to prom, the same son of a gun who made my friends think twice about who they were friends with.          

During the summer before college begun I should have never hooked up with a guy who was emotionally unavailable and as I would like to call it “seasonal” (the type of guy that you do not see for months and he will randomly call you a couple months down the road to meet up once again).

In college I should have been a little more motivated, and a little less determined to jump out of one failing relationship to another. I should have stuck to my instincts, but I let my stupidity run me off track. I ended up in arguments with family and friends about what?  The same guys that ended up being “not ready for a relationship, the same ones who would be too busy with “work” (ya  ... Ok ...from approximately 8 am – 5 am the next day they were busy “working”.... very likely). The same ones who made plans and cancelled them last minute to go help their “uncle” out at least three times a week (funny how many times you hear that one ... a memo to the guys , I’m sorry you’re going to have to be more creative then that). As if that wasn’t the cherry on top of it all and being used like a dolly wasn’t fun enough, just when I thought they were done with their pathetic games they pull a couple more stunts ... and me being me, I fall for them at least until they become repetitive and I FINALLY see the pattern (which takes a little longer then I would like to admit).

On top of the failures in relationships, I fail in life as well. I can’t keep a job if my life depends on it (or so it seems at least). Life just can’t be simple for some of us; drama always seems to find its way into mine. Sometimes it feels good to have a lot going on in your life but not when everything that could go wrong does go wrong. I failed a relationship and my second semester of college all in the same year. I went to work and earned the money to go back to college around that time I got into another relationship, but that didn’t last.

That relationship was very rushed and neither of us really had any space to breathe, so we tried the friends thing both agreeing that when things got less hectic that we would just pick up where we left off and try to work it out. He decided that work was taking over his life and that he couldn’t be in a relationship at that time because he didn’t have enough time for it.

Imagine my surprise and frustration when the next week he was with someone else pictures and all on his msn. Just for laughs here is what got me the most, when we were dating his online profile still said single a week after we break up and his profile suddenly changes from single to taken.  So if that wasn’t fun enough I got fired from my job. Why? Because as it happens someone said a few inappropriate words on the sales floor, and the best part is I was the new girl so of course who else would you blame. I knew who really said the inappropriate content on the sales floor and I kept my mouth shut. Why? Because, the woman who said them had a child to support and could not afford to lose her job. My next job required me to put up with some very demanding customers, some people would be very pleasant others would make you wish you didn’t get up at 6:30 in the morning just to get to work and deal with people like them. 

When I finally gathered the money I needed for school, I left my job and went to school. If I was a little more mature I would have been the A+ student I originally intended to be. School had its up’s and down’s, unlike my previous school year, I didn’t bother making friends with most of the people in the program that I was finishing. The only thing I intended to do in the couple of months that it would take to complete the semester I previously failed was to do my work and move on into a different program one that had absolutely nothing to do with the program I was finishing. As usual I got off track, I did graduate but I never went to my graduation ceremony. I never went to either my high school or college ceremony and I regret that.

After I graduated from my college program I got another job also in retail. This new job was as unsatisfying as the last except this one was worse. On top of demanding customers there was a tremendous amount of disrespect by this employer. Somehow this man was incapable of calling me by my first name; he resorted to calling me by my nationality. He also made everyone come into work early and stay late, he constantly complained about his aches and pains and had his employees fetch him coffee at least three times a day. If that wasn’t the cherry on top of it all employees were promised positions they were never given. I was hired as a full-time employee and later demoted to part-time then even less then that there were weeks I went without more than a few hours at work. My schedule revolved on what type of mood he was in, as did the schedule of the other employees. He retired and his assistant took over, a couple weeks later I got a final pay check and an employment record type letter stating that I had quit.

After that disappointment I went hunting for my next job, I was determined to get an office job this time, especially considering that my experience working in the retail industry was far from the opportunity I was hoping that it would be.  I decided to look for a job in a field related to the one that I wanted to educate myself in, this way I would have an advantage in terms of admissions into the program of my choice. As well, I had signed up for summer school to get the credits I needed to go into the program I wanted to get into. At the same time I had started seeing another guy, who was the kindest and most understanding person I could image possible (or so I thought; sort of foolish on my part to believe in fairy tales knowing that reality is anything but close to the fantasy we would all like to believe exists).

Things started off anything but ordinary, I was acting like someone I could not even recognize trying to get the recognition of someone who was playing with me like a little puppet, pulling the strings and watching me do the action intended. If I was a little less naive and a little more realistic I would have saw through his charm and his tricks and realized the game he was playing long before I let myself believe a bunch of lies that ended up hurting more than anyone else ever hurt me. At one point we had plans to move in together and the next thing I know he tells me he isn’t ready for a serious relationship and just wants to be friends. Keeping in mind a few days later he was back to the kisses and ...”fun,” a couple weeks after we lost contact for a while.

I had a feeling why that was but I tried to dismiss it thinking that I was being pessimistic but that was just it. I wasn’t being pessimistic I was dead on right about my suspicions. Here is the part of this story that I can’t stand telling and still can’t seem to understand, he called a few weeks later inviting me and my sister for a night out, we went out together for what was originally planned to be a few hours long rather than an hour. At some point, he decided to ask my sister to reach into one of the shopping bags and pull out a digital camera he had just bought that day and wanted to show off. Here is the awkward part which I will get around to talking about a little later; there was something else in that bag as well.

We shared a meal together and chatted, he explained that he had to cut the day short because he had to see his uncle to help him out with something later on and he needed time to get to his uncle’s house to help out (again... the my uncle needs my help excuse). I let it go, then things seemed to be looking up for me since I got the office job I had applied for, there was a lot to learn and a very short period of time to learn it and be familiar with it but I was up to the challenge. Since my wardrobe required an adjustment to fit in with the other people working in the office I drained my savings account (which did not have too much money to start with) and went to get some clothes more suitable for the office workplace.

Things seemed to be finally going well with the exception of my twisted relationship or lack- thereof with this guy. The only thing I had to regret then was the fact that I had been scheduled on the same day as my graduation ceremony so unfortunately I missed it, thinking that my job was more important. I also decided to forego summer school in favour of work.

A few days after getting the job I was let go of with the explanation that I was a good employee but not what they were looking for because of my lack of experience in the industry. If I wasn’t crushed enough I had more bad news to come.
Days turn to weeks and he calls again to check in, he told me he now he had a new girlfriend (the same one he would poke fun at and disregard when we were seeing each other. It was one of his friends that I had met earlier on who acted beyond catty to me and the other people who either didn’t speak the same language or in my case spoke it but were not entirely familiar with all the new slang). This was about the point where I was confused, hurt and frustrated. I couldn’t understand why this was happening again, and I couldn’t believe the mess I was in.

When my sister found out about this she made an interesting expression which led me to question if she had seen any signs leading up to this. I was in for the shock of my life. She told me something that had me completely numb, I wanted to scream, I wanted to cry, I was angry, sad, frustrated, disappointed and much more but found myself unable to do any of the above (except for the crying myself to sleep part, as pathetic as it sounds I didn’t want to look weak in front of her so I waited until everyone was asleep before letting go).

Reflecting to the day that the three of us (me, my sister and that guy) went out together, she told me there was something I didn’t know that had some relevance to the situation. There was nothing that could have prepared me for what was going to come out of her mouth.

She told me that when she reached into the bag there was something else in it, something that she had to do a double take to convince herself of what it was, and the fact that it was actually there... it was a pregnancy test! (that’s right the guy that was so busy with his uncle and work, too busy for a relationship and too busy to hang out might have gotten another girl pregnant). I don’t want to speculate about who the girl was but, at this point all signs point to one person.  Needless to say, I cut contact with this guy and wound up going to summer school.

I met someone else, someone who seems too good to be true and for all I know he probably is but, being the type of person I am; I continue to go out with this guy. As I struggle to complete summer school and find a part-time job, I am hoping that I finally get a break with all the bad news. I will be keeping my fingers crossed that I am not heading down yet another bumpy road but only time can tell how things are yet to unfold.