He told me to smile...

July 11, 2008

I feel like I’ve been given a gift here in Ireland. It was so unexpected that I’m just filled with happiness thinking about it over and over again. I woke up to the thought of it and smiled, twice. Last night I was hungry and wanted a cooked meal, so I went to Matt Weldon’s pub. Everyone in the program had gone to Cork and then going to Scotland and so I was alone. I brought my journal to catch up, which I’m so far behind and am now typing current events to remember every detail; and I don’t ever want to forget last night. At the pub I ordered Fish and chips and started writing in my journal. I must have wrote a total of five pages Friday and am still so very far behind… The waitress had asked me where I had gotten my journal and I told her from the states. After eating and paying for my food I stayed where I was to continue writing, if I was to go back to my dorm, I wouldn’t be able to concentrate enough to write. The waitress came back and asked me some questions, and one of them was if I had any plans tonight, and I had said no, because all of my friends were gone for the weekend. She ended up inviting me to go out with her and her friends, she only had about an half hour of work left and I said I would really like that. I was wearing a dress with leggings and flip-flops, because today had been laundry day and it was the one of the last few things I had clean. To be honest I wasn’t comfortable in my dress and thought that I didn’t look so great, but I wanted to go out and have fun…so I took my mind off of the way I looked. I know that I have low self-esteem and I try to trick myself sometimes… While waiting I broke a five for bus fare and realized that I only had enough cash for one drink.




I have to skip a little to get to the part I don’t want to ever forget! After finishing my first Malibu and pinnapple of the night Britney said, “we have to find you a guy to buy you a drink” and so she started looking around, found a group of three guys and headed towards them. She motioned for me to follow and I was like no!!! I was feeling shy and uncomfortable, but ended up going with her; she said that she was going to do all of the talking and so I went with her and kind of just stood there. The guys were not very cute. After she had talked to them, which seemed not to go so well (I could hardly hear anything), we headed off to the other end of the pub; which happened to be where people were able to smoke. Her and Whitney went in and I kind of stalled, not wanting to go in there, but decided I would. As I took a step into the smoking area, a guy grabbed my hand and pulled me to him. He asked me if I smoked and I said no, not at all! Then He said, you don’t want to go in there and I shoke my head no. This guy was unfortunately smoking, but was really cute in a rugged way. He was tall, dark hair, had an unshaven face; which normally I don’t like but I made an exception for him.

He asked me my name and I asked what his name was, which sadly to say I can’t remember if it was Nole or Noah..:( So as I’m standing there talking to him, I look at the area where people were smoking and at Britney and Whitney and he asked me if my friends smoked and I told him that I didn’t know, which surprised him. I told him that I had only met them tonight. He was kind of drunk and I could hear it in his voice, but I thought lets see where this takes me. I’m kind of tired of living shyly and he was giving me the opportunity to try something new, which for those that don’t know, I’ve never really flirted, danced with many guys (just one other night when I turned 18), or even had that many conversations with a guy I didn’t know very well. I very much live in my own little bubble most days and I’ve been looking for an opportunity to break out of it, so we can call this guy Mr. Opportunity.

He pointed out that he was holding his cigarette out away from me so that I wouldn’t be bothered by it. He was being very considerate for being drunk and I was shocked that I couldn’t smell any of the smoke at all. He asked me where I was from and I told him Oregon, but he didn’t know where that was. So I told him it’s by California and he smiled. Then next thing I know he’s bending his knees pretending to be on a surfboard. I couldn’t help but smile, it was really entertaining. For those that don’t know, I don’t really like my smile either, I tend to have a very big smile and show the gums above my teeth without wanting to… Well after smiling I kind of stopped smiling and then the oddest thing happened next. He stopped smiling and was kind of angry. I can’t remember all of what he said but this, “Don’t fucken stop smiling! You’ve got a fucken beautiful smile…(at this point I’m startled and a little scared)… I can’t remember a whole lot of what he said here probably because I was startled, but somehow it ended on a good note with all of the complements he was giving me. He kept repeating that I had a beautiful smile and for some reason or another at the end I smiled and then he went crazy! He smiled and then said that he loved my cheekbones. I said thanks and couldn’t stop smiling after that, which only made him even more excited. I have to note that because the music was so loud and my hearing wasn’t doing so good, every time he talked to me he had to put his face right next to mine and talk in my ear. Although not entirely necessary, he kept putting his cheek on mine when he talked to me and I liked it. I miss him right now as I’m writing this, but can still feel the prickles from his face just on the right side and the air he blew in my ear as he talked. Fate had gotten me to this pub and him, I’m wishing for it to happen again, but that’s one in a million, right?

Whitney came up to me and asked if I was okay, if she should stay or go? I told her that I didn’t know and after half a minute I told her she could go after looking back at him. She said she would be back in like ten minutes and told her that was good. After she had left he said if you want to go with your friend, go ahead. I said no I’m okay… He asked me if I wanted to dance? I’ve never been comfortable dancing in public and kind of freeze. I really can dance pretty good alone, but I’ve never really danced with a guy before. I told him that I couldn’t really dance and he laughed a little. He said that was okay and mentioned in a way that the way I looked I didn’t have to! This guy really made me feel like I was special and pretty, just everything that I’ve wanted to feel. When he was done with his cigarette he threw it on the floor and we walked a little ways from that area. He grabbed his beer and I put my empty cup on a table. He kept looking at me and eye contact makes me a little uncomfortable and so I laughed and looked away, this happened a lot. He kept repeating that he loved my cheekbones so much that at one point he took both his hands and put them on my face…he kind of half squished and half grabbed my cheeks; very strange to me and a thought of grandmothers came to mind, but he didn’t do this too long and he was drunk so I didn’t mind too much.

He put his beer down and started dancing. He was dancing a little slower than the beat and I had a hard time trying to ignore the music and dance slowly with him; which wasn’t working out so well… He grabbed my hand after a while and spun me. When I was back facing him we made eye contact and I smiled like usual (I don’t think there was a time I didn’t smile while I was with him, I was enjoying myself.). He grabbed my other hand and fanned out his fingers, which I followed. We were holding each other’s hands and kind of dancing (moving side to side). He kept spinning me and holding my hands. At one point he put his forehead on mine and pushed a little so I did the same in return and started laughing. I’m not one for touching or closeness and I was laughing a lot because this was all very new to me and I was having mixed feelings, but mainly good feelings; which is why I wasn’t leaving. Allison, this girl from the program came around with a camera and took a picture of us and said hi…she kind of stood there for a second and said she would see me later… I wasn’t really paying too much attention to her. Throughout the whole time I must repeat that he commented on my cheekbones again and again! I kept saying thanks and smiled even more so with a little embarrassment. When he spun me again he stopped me half way so that my back was to him and he was in a way hugging me. During one of these times I could feel his torso hitting me a little and I didn’t not like that at all. I think through body language (me tensing up) that he got the point and turned me again. He put his hands on my waist which slid down to my butt! I was a little uncomfortable as you can imagine (and for some reason I just let things happen and I think it’s because I’m curious to know what will happen). He kind of stopped dancing and asked me a question, “Is that really your ass?” I said yeah not knowing what really to expect and at this point he had taken his hands off me and said, “Your fucken hot, do you know that?” And I laughed at that, because I’ve never been told this or even thought it myself. Oh, he was very entertaining, he said, “with your cheekbones and your ass your just…” and it’s like he couldn’t even find words. He started bowing down with his arms out (meaning I’m not worthy) I was just shaking my head and smiling. Then he said, “All of these other girls, they’re (here he said something along the lines of not pretty, fakers, not worth the time,)… but you with your cheekbones and your ass!” I swear he just feel in love with me. One of my very own admirers that I couldn’t believe existed. I’m not making any of this up and believe me, I couldn’t if I tried. We danced a little more and when his hands started go back to my butt I shifted them back up to my waist.

Someone came up to us, apparently one of his friends and started talking to me saying, “he’s not Irish, he’s Italian with an English accent.” I didn’t really care and don’t remember saying anything to this guy. Thinking about this moment now, I realize that this guy had probably been watching, in fact I had been so, I don’t know what, that I seemed to forget that there were other people there that could see me! Right now I feel I little scared by the thought, but Mr. Opportunity defiantly gave me the feeling of security and happiness to not even care at the time. Besides almost everyone there was drunk and I won’t be seeing them again, so there you go, I’ve tricked myself into accepting that I don’t have to be worried or scared about last night. His friend told him that he was going to be leaving soon and Nole got a look on his face like- he had to leave soon too then. We went back to dancing after his friend left and soon later he started trying to say something to me. “I don’t want to make you feel…if you want to…” This was all that I can remember her and then he said, “Do you want to come outside with me while I have a cigarette?” He said this with a smile and I was starting to come back to reality and said no… I didn’t want him to go, but I wasn’t going outside alone with him; I’m pretty sure he was trying to make suggestions of leaving with him. There was no way I would just disregard myself and self respect and sadly I said no… He was finishing his beer and told me to go find my friends. He was being very dramatic in a way and I was like calm down. I asked him if he was sure as in like he has to go. He told me to go find my friends again and so I said by and that it was nice to meet him, and then left him. In his voice I could hear the sound of defeat and sadness. Sad feelings come to me thinking about this. It wasn’t hard to find my friends as they were just across the room. Whitney told a guy that, “here’s my friend that I was going to go look for!” and I said yep here I am. Standing there I watched him go by. Though he was a little crazy, drunk, directing in a little bit of a forceful way, I liked him and hope to someday I’ll feel like I did with him again with someone else.