Middle Earth Infomercial

“Folks, today we are coming to you live from Middle Earth. We have with us today, a very special guest. You will remember him from such adventures as, The Two Towers and Return of the King. Help me welcome the one, the only…Gimli!”

“Hey there everyone! It’s great to be here! I’d like to say hi to all of my friends out there. Hey Gandolf, nice robe! Looking good there King Aragorn! Yo Frodo, hit puberty yet?….ha, ha, ha…just kidding.”

“Gimli, I have been telling the audience about our exciting new product. I understand you are a big fan as well.”

“You bet Hyper. I have been a member of the Nutra-System Hair Club for Men for more than six months now and I can tell you, I am a true believer!”

“Tell us what it was like before you joined our program.”

“Well, as you know I put on quite a bit of weight after the final battle for Middle Earth. We dwarfs started eating Orcs. Who could blame us? They were everywhere. I even wrote a bestselling cookbook about the best ways to prepare and serve the big hairy beasts.”

“I remember that book. There were quite a few good recipes in there.”

“That’s right Hyper. There was Orc Rockefeller, Orc Tartar… the list goes on and on. Needless to say, I personally tried every item in the book.”

“That’s when you started to notice you had a problem. Isn’t that right?”

“Yes, I was starting to put on the pounds. It turns out that Orcs are not only tasty, they are also packed with fat; don’t even ask me about the carbo-content. Needless to say, they weren’t exactly what the doctor would have ordered.”

“Was there anything else?”

“Yes, my hair started falling out in clumps. I had Dwarf Mange; a condition that frequently hits older dwarfs. I have to tell you Hyper, there are few things as repulsive as a short, fat, bald dwarf.”

“So that’s when you joined the Nutra-System Hair Club for Men, right?”

“That’s right. Since I joined, I have lost nearly sixty pounds. My hair is growing back as well.”

“So what do you eat now?”

“Mostly rocks and grubs; stuff like that. The club discourages eating anything with a personality which pretty much eliminates all of the tasty stuff here in Middle Earth. I will say those grubs have done wonders for my complexion.”

“How much longer until you hit your target weight of four-hundred pounds?”

“I figure I will be there in another month or so.”

“Do you plan on celebrating somehow? Maybe give in to a small indulgence as a reward.”

“Well, I have been having cravings for a certain little morsel. I may treat myself to a small bite.”

“Great! What do you have in mind?”

“A Hobbit. Now those little boggers are good eatin!”

word count 477