Blogs of A Twenteen

Overview:

Identity Crisis!! The following is a blogs collection of a 20-year-old young woman, “Jade”.  Jade is half Chinese half Korean who lives with a Filipino Foster family in the outskirts of Toronto, Canada. She has an older brother Al who is the only biological son of her foster-parents with whom she shares a remarkable sibling bond.  Her foster-parents adopted her after the death of their youngest daughter-of whom she reminded them dearly of- because of this major similarity, Jade grew up as a traditional Filipino girl with strong Catholic values- even though she is not really of their Kin. 
Now at the tender age of 20- Jade’s ‘mother’ is diagnosed with cancer and the emotional ride has caused Jade to realize she’s not really one of ‘them’ and therefore struggles to find out who she is as a person- is she really Jade? or is Jade a cheap surface imitation of the deceased Julie?

Academic Scholar? With a 90% average Jade is an academic idol to her peers- which unfortunately makes it difficult for her to fit in with them at school.  Founding a kindred spirit ‘Annie’ who is a new transfer student in her program, and having (finally) overcome trust issues with those of the same-sex, Jade has only recently found her life on campus much easier to bear.  Although Annie is everything she wants in a friend- Annie never seems to tell Jade any of HER problems.  Jade struggles to figure out Annie’s ‘true’ self- is she really Jade’s friend? Or just another of those labeled Media Students- just much more bold.

Married at 20?  As if Jade’s life wasn’t complicated enough, she is torn between John- her sweet attractive ‘childhood friend’ who leaves her in Toronto while he ventures to Korea to pursue the start of his teaching career- and Noel- her High School (almost) sweetheart (who through massive heart-wrenching drama chose to be with Jade’s ex-for different reasons-BFF, Candy) who jumps out of nowhere back into her life.  Jade isn’t even dating either of them so she’s utterly at a loss when the two men in here life both propose to her.

Preview:

“’Mom’, finally broke down today- she called me Julie- I’ve only ever seen pictures of my would-be sisters when she was young. Al and my ‘cousins’ told me of what she was like- strangely mature and profound for a 10-year-old girl.  I guess she was kind of like Christ in retrospect. 
Today hit me hard… it was the first time that I hadn’t been treated as ‘the Sabastian’s daughter’, and it was the first time I’ve been treated for what I really am…
Julie’s (not even close!) replacement.”

“ARRGGH!!! John you moron!  How can you not get it!? I practically told him I was in love with him- keyword there is ‘was’- and all he could do is ask me to pass the freakken salt! MEN! OH-MY-GOD! Like seriously boy! GET A CLUE!
Forget it! I don’t feel guilty anymore for kissing Noel (even if he kissed me first!).
JOHN-YOU-IDIOT!”

“So this is Al’s girlfriend (of 4 months before I officially get to meet her)… I imagined her…well much taller actually, and prettier.  But who am I to judge? ‘Mom’ had a fit because it hasn’t even been a month since he and his last girlfriend broke up when he got together with this one.  Her name is ‘Claire’. I wonder how long he’ll stay with her- and what she’ll put him through.  I don’t understand why he lets these girls walk all over him! Al is the kind of guy any girl’s parents would want her to bring home.  He’s responsible, handsome (yeah that’s right- I can say my brother is handsome!), well liked, talented, smart, he doesn’t smoke or drink excessively, he’s got good strong family values (although his dedication to his faith is not as strong as my ‘parents’ would like it to be- on the contrary he’s getting MUCH better at that) and best of all he treats his woman like she’s the only thing in his life that matters.
I’m going to be sooooooooooooo uberly pissed off if this ‘Claire’ is like Al’s past girls.

I wish there was a man who would treat me the way Al treats his women… Suddenly I feel very lonely.”

“Annie thinks Noel has had a change of heart- a sort of epiphany- Otherwise why would he show up at my house un-announced, with orchids, when all my close friends are over…FOR MY BIRTHDAY!  What happened to Candy? HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE OUT OF MY LIFE FOR GOOD! WHY IS HE HERE?!
She’s convinced Noel’s realized that he chose the wrong girl and wants to make it up to me- or wants to be with me…
Unfortunately, she’s also convinced that I still have feelings for him too.
‘First loves never really go away’ She says.
That got me thinking really hard… Why did my heart beat so fast when I saw him standing there on my porch?”

"Annie always has a way of making things seem A LOT easier than it really is.
‘Just ignore them’ she sighed handing me back my iced coffee from our (poor excuse of an) on-campus coffee cart.  JESUS! I can’t even tie my shoelace like a normal person without people from the Media Program staring at me with their beady little eyes and whispering among themselves…really, COME ON PEOPLE- as if I can’t tell you’re talking about either Annie or me. Most of the time it’s me- I think it’s because of my family background or the fact that I’m the only Asian in our program (which I find EXTREMELY ODD) or it’s got something to do with the fact that I went to the formal last week ALONE when everyone- even Annie- had a date…and it was public knowledge (much to my dismay) that 6 guys from our program asked me (politely I might add) if they could ‘escort me’ to the dance. (Both John and Noel offered- but Annie pointed out that picking one of them might make the other one think I have a preference over the other.  She now has this crazy idea that John might like me too- fully knowing I have feelings for him…AIYOOO- I, on the other hand, know that he’s just being the sweet John that he’s always been. But Annie is always right- I’d be a fool not to listen to her.) Anyway… they- stupid Media Students (who are obviously Media Students because they’re marked by that red and white media pass around their necks or hanging from their belts)- must think I’m really old school to phrase it that way. 
‘GOD! I’m so tired of being nice to them!’ I find myself frowning a lot whenever I’m on campus. I seem to only (really) smile whenever I talk to Annie- or when I’m in class/presentations. 
‘But if you’re not polite to them as you usually are, then that would make this entire situation A LOT worse than it already is don’t you think?’ Annie grinned mischievously as she sipped her drink.
‘Darn!’ I cursed… ‘I hate it when you’re right!’”

“John is leaving today for Japan.  He’s teaching English there for a year at some High School in Okinawa. It makes me sad that this man I’ve known since I’ve come to the Sabastian family is leaving me.  The boy I once knew is now off to pursue the rest of his life….
I’m so mad at myself!  How could I only realize this now! I’m in love with John! I always have been…
12:24 pm… John’s flight is at 1:30… I wonder if I leave now- will I make it in time to answer him?”

“I feel empty… It’s been about 5 months since I’ve seen his face.  I know that distance is supposed to make the hear grow fonder, but… he’s not here.  I haven’t heard from him in a month.  Does that mean he doesn’t want me anymore.  Is it because of Noel? Or is it because of that annoying assistant teacher pestering him while I’m not there… is this ‘Mina' character replacing me?
Do I love Noel? I know I do… even if he’s hurt me so much when we were back in high school, I just can’t seem to really let go of Noel.  That’s why John is mad isn’t it….
I know I’m not being fair… We’re not together- and we’re not apart. John what am I to you? I want to ask, but I’m terrified of the answer.
Is this ‘Mina' to John what Noel is to me?  In that case… whom do I love more?
John…Noel… who are you to me?
I don’t know…”

“Married? Is he serious!? OH-MY-GOD! This can’t be real.  I don’t even have my own place! I’m not even done school! I haven’t even lost the 20 lbs I wanted to lose! WE’RE NOT EVEN IN THE SAME COUNTRY! … How the hell are we to be married! I’m only 20!
…
You’ve got to be kidding me! What do I have a giant floating neon sign above my head that flashes ‘MARRY ME NOW’??!!?!?  I’m having a hard enough time dealing with one proposal… HOW DO I DEAL WITH TWO!!
TWO!!!! I’m not even dating either of them!”

Blogs of A Twenteen

17 August 2006.

Mom is home from the hospital now.  I imagine my eyes are all red and puffy from crying.  I don’t know if they’re from tears of joy from having her home safe and sound, or if they’re from despair from watching her be in so much pain and not being able to do anything about it.  Never knowing my birth parents- Maria Sabastian is the only ‘Mother’ figure I’ve ever had.  The nuns at the orphanage were very nice and kind to me during my 10-year stay there- but none of them have every given my as much warmth as this woman lying in front of me has.
She’s sleeping soundly, I’m glad.
“Al’s fallen asleep,” I say out loud as soon as I hear the door behind me open and close.
“So is your dad. He’s on the couch in the living room.” John’s voice is always calming to my ears.
“I thought you were my dad.”  John pulled a stool next to me.  He took my hand in his and stroked it gently.
“You’ll all get through this- you’re like the coolest family I’ve ever met.” John assured me. I couldn’t do more than smirk at his attempt to make me feel better.  The smirk was empty- he seemed to know that too. He wiped a tear from my cheek. I hadn’t even realized that I was crying again.
“God I feel so helpless.” I sniffed. My cell vibrated in my pocket.  Must be Candy. Finally! A girl needs her girlfriend’s support in times like these. I don’t know why she’s been so flakey lately. She’s become bitter, and bitches at everything.  Everyone at school thinks she’s arrogant and a ‘self-absorbed slut’ according to the girl’s bathroom walls.  She doesn’t even deny it… sometimes I think I’m the only one defending her.
“Hello? Candy? Are you coming over now?”
“Eh? Oh no sorry Jade! I’m going to go see a concert now, I’m already downtown! I swear I told you to come with me! That’s why I’m calling- are you coming or what?”
“What? My Mom just got home from the hospital- she has cancer! Candy! I told you this a million times! You said you’d come over!”
“What the hell would I do? If you’re not coming that’s your problem- more boys for me. Anyway I’m off, tell your Mom I said hi- but don’t pull me into your family shit okay? LATER!” and then she hung up.
It’s times like these I wonder why I bother to erase the colorful literature on those washroom walls.  I wonder what happened to the Candy I met at the start of high school.  The one who would rush to my side whenever I would need something- which was only half the amount of times she’s called me for a favor.  I was in denial.  I know.  That Candy is long gone and replaced with a Candy that sleeps around and lies to all her ‘friends’
My phone rang again.  “Hello?”
“Jade? Jade is Candy there still? She told me she was sleeping over your place because your mom’s sick.” It’s Candy’s mother.  The lying bitch! ARGHHH!! She makes me so mad! “So sorry to hear about your mom dear.  I’ll send over some flowers okay? She likes daisies right?”
“Yes aunty, mommy likes daises the best.  Candy is… (sigh) here- but she’s sleeping in my room already.  Should I wake her up?” My stomach churns every time I lie to Candy’s mom to cover her ass.
“No, no, that’s okay dear.  Just making sure she’s alright,” so not helping the stomach, “strange boys keep calling her cell phone lately- boys I don’t know,” again my stomach twisted.  John frowned at me in disapproval, he know clearly what I was doing. “As long as I know she’s with you and safe its okay.  Thanks Jade!” I wanted to cry again for hurting Candy’s mom- and for her not knowing it.
“No problem.” I managed to squeak out, and then I hung up.
I looked at John.  He looked at me angrily and practically threw my hand out from under his.
“You should learn your own worth Jade.” He said firmly.  John stayed silent the rest of the night- or at least until I fell asleep. 
When I woke up he was already gone.

more to come...