Should I?

She sat on the cover of the toilet. She had a knife in one hand, and her dryer in the other. There was a bottle of sleeping pills in the sink. She sat contemplating about all that had happened in the last few days; she wondered if she could pull this through.

God I’m going mad, she thought. Do I really wanna kill my self over some people? It’s not fair.

Nothing had ever been fair for her; at least from her perspective. Everyone thought her life was perfect but she felt insecure. The people that had hurt her knew that, and like they say, your best friends can be your worst enemies!

She thought about her life and it wondered to only a few days ago. She had been laughing, smiling for the first time in months. She had yelled to the world ‘My life is awesome. Nothing can go wrong”. She had been so wrong, something could go wrong.

Now she was thinking of which method would be best to kill herself. If she used the hairdryer soaked in the bath tub she would die pretty fast but not as fast enough. The knife would only cause her pain and her mother would probably find her body in time to save her life and she didn’t want to live with the fact that she had tried to kill herself and it did not succeed. If she took the pills, she wouldn’t die; she would just enter a coma and wait for her mother or somebody to pull the plug.

She needed a quick way to die.

What would cause a girl to think of such thoughts, I wonder. As she stared into the mirror in the bathroom, she began to cry. What kind of friends did she have? Friends didn’t drive friends to the point of considering what kind of method would be suitable to die with.

Her ex-boyfriend had broken up with her no less than a month ago and that had left her pretty devastated. He was the first person that understood her without trying too much. When she wanted to cut herself, she’d always think of him and what he would say and she would drop the razor.

Her two best friends that she always thought were her only friends had just pulled the plug on her hope that humanity in people could be restored. They’d been there when she’d been bulimic and suffered from anorexia. She had been sick a few times, but she hid them from her friends because she did not want them to know her close she had been to dying. It had been too many times. Now they were about to find out how close she was to killing herself and she felt she would go through with.

All three of them knew her state. She was an emotional bomb. Anything could set her into depression. She’d learnt to overcome the words people said but now that it was coming from her favorite people in the world, she felt she just had to end it. Hope was gone.

She’d remember when he had told her. Her best friend in the world wanted to go out with him. He didn’t like her but he felt he should do a sympathy relationship. God, she thought I just can’t believe he broke up with me a few weeks ago and wants to start a relationship when he still knows I love him. He said he didn’t want a relationship till he started his new school so why the hypocrisy? Why the betrayal of that promise? Why I’m I such an ignoramus fool to believe what he said?  He’s only human! Humans are the most corrupt and cruel race in this universe! What have I done to deserve such punishments?

She had seen that lying bitch only last week and had asked her if she liked him. She had said no. She had looked straight into her face. Into her freaking face! Men she was friends with seriously good liars. She felt so betrayed, so ashamed; she couldn’t believe she had been friends with these people. I wish I could kill the two of them, she thought, I’d kill those two lying bitches and send them to hell. Maybe I should kill them along with me. After all killing me will send me to hell, so why not complete the deed at once? Oh my God, why am I thinking such thoughts? God save me please! I’m crying out to you.

She began to think of combining the ‘instruments’ she had in the bathroom. She’d used the knife to cut her self up and soak in the bath tub after taken the pills. Then she would plug the dryer into the wall and let it fall into the bath tub. The perfect death, she thought. The perfect death for sure!

She looked at her hands and suddenly her mood changed. She wasn’t going to kill herself. Now way! Why should she kill herself because of those three people? Why should she leave her family in a state of depression?

Depression, she thought. God that word is just so cruel. I’ve been through it so many times I don’t think I’ll ever stop being depressed. Imagine what will happen to me when I get married and have kids. Especially during pregnancy. God I hope I won’t be mad enough to kill myself and the baby.

She was not going to kill herself. She read in a book some time ago. After you die, maybe people that knew you would be depressed about your death for a little while, but after that you’ll just become someone that has died. They’ll just have conversations about how she died. They would say she was insane.

No way! She thought. No one would even know why I wanted to kill myself and if they did, they would say it was a very stupid excuse. Because a boy broke my heart and my friend went for him along with my other friend lying to my face that nothing was going on.

As she looked up to put the knife away her mother opened the door. Her mother stared at her like she was watching a horror movie. She saw what her mother saw: her helpless child with a knife close to her heart, with pills in the sink and a dryer plugged into the wall ready to finish of the act. She wasn’t going to kill herself. Just for the sake of her mother.

She wasn’t going to let her mother undergo Nigerian scrutiny. She did not want anyone blaming her mother for her death. They would curse my mother and try and take my sisters and brother from her. My father would die because of me. I’m to close to them. Ending my life will end my worries but will only start problems for the living.

“Don’t worry mom,” she cried out. “I wasn’t gonna kill myself!”