Kids these days

Valentine's day, huh?

Nice.

I've never been a true believer of love.

Kids will be kids, I guess.

However, I've always believed in karma.

After all, it couldn't possibly be an ironic coincidence that my older brother, who lived his life by the mantra of "coke is a joke" ended up in the hospital due to a car crashed caused by a recovering cocaine junkie.

I guess the punch line was on him.

In any case, I think it's funny that the girl I've had a crush on for so long asks me out on the holiday I hate most.

I am very happy about this recent burst of good news though (having won $50 a few hours earlier in a poker game), and I decide to go all out on this date.

I make reservations at a posh restaurant (the kind where the waiters expect your tip to pay for their kid's high school education), and I buy all kinds of gifts. From a teddy bear holding a heart to beautiful red roses to less traditional gifts such as a sheet of "cute" stickers (yes, I am a sad, sad man).

Kids... Will be kids.

The day arrives.

I dress up in my tuxedo (which, if sold, could pay for the aforementioned waiter's offspring's first few years of college) and set out to our agreed meeting place.

Now, bear in mind, that I, a 17-year-old, shy boy, am no Tom Cruise.

Have you ever seen so many commas in one sentence?

Anyways, where was I- oh, yeah. I'm no gay actor, and far from what would be considered a "great catch", so I already found it fishy when this popular girl asked me out.

Catch- Fish- See what I did there? I love a bad pun. When used correctly, it can somehow be more humorous than a joke.

In any case, there I stood, with a pink bag with presents in one hand and a bouquet of flowers in the other. I saw her coming around the corner and my heart filled with what felt liked butterflies and rainbows.

Then I noticed there was some guy walking hand in hand with her.
The scene in my heart abruptly cuts to a medieval dungeon, where a man in a black robe is beating prisoners with whips.

I have never felt two opposite extremes in such a short period of time, until now.

They walk up to me, and she just smiles as they enter the restaurant. I see her friends have followed her and are laughing at me and taking pictures of my sad face.

Kids will be kids.

My frown turns upside down (or 180 degrees for you wacky number lovers) and an evil, evil thought enters my head.

As you know, most kids my age don't have that much money.

Why is this relevant information?

Well, if you've been paying attention, you'd have noticed that I bought a lot of gifts.

Which was why I was now broke.

Wow, that's a lot of Ws....But I digress.

So yeah, how was I going to pay for the expensive restaurant???

Aha! Here's the thing- I WASN'T going to.

See, my uncle just happens to be the owner of that restaurant, and I just happen to work there part time in the kitchen.

It also just so happens that the place is always full (especially on Valentine's Day) and therefore an extra pair of hands is always welcome.

So, being the loving, caring nephew (and evil, scheming b***ard) that I am, I go inside and tell my uncle I want to help on this lovely night. He agrees, and I get into the kitchen. I see my friend Todd, the waiter (who was working to pay for his own education, thank you very much) coming back from the table where my once-date and her boy toy are seated.

Me: Hey, Todd, what was their order?
Todd: Two Chicken Cordon Blue.
Me: Excellent. My favorite.

He just shrugs off my silliness and gets back to work, as I start preparing three Chicken Cordon Blue dishes.

I fill two of them with the hottest peppers I can find and way too much salt (a technique Todd and I like to call the "I know your tip isn't even going to pay for one class and you're rude" technique.

Catchy, isn't it?

Anyways, the other one is mine, because I thought it would be a nice touch to sit at a table next to the lovely couple and eat what they're eating, and proceed to smile as they look at me after a bite of their food just before they vomit.

I am a sick, sick person.

Then again, kids will be kids.

Todd enters the kitchen and I tell him which plates to give to whom, and I proceed to enter the dining area and sit next to my two "dear friends".

They look confused as I smile at them and take my seat, but they don't say anything. Todd brings the plates, with a smile. I look over to the couple and say "bon appetite" as they look back in disgust.

The girl of my dreams takes a bite and her guy friend does so too, and she starts coughing. She gets up and runs to the bathroom. The guy is seemingly unfazed (but obviously angry) and runs after her.

Wow, either he didn't reach the right part of the food yet or he has a weird taste for complete crap.

I bite into my cordon blue and another, third possibility enters my mind; Todd is an idiot.

I get up and rush to the bathroom but am stopped by the girl as she is coming back, and she starts yelling at me. The fact that I'm allergic to peppers does not help the situation. I puke all over her. Her friends, who were watching through the window, are disgusted, except for one, who is laughing.

The people in the restaurant look on in amazement as I get slapped, walk out and head home.

My plan.... Didn't end so well.

The day after is a weird one.
I get to school and the friend of hers that was laughing yesterday greets me.

Turns out she doesn't like her friend all that much after what her friend did to me and she thought my plan was pretty awesome.

We're going out tonight, to McDonalds. Ironic note; her father's the manager. I have decided that I will be extra nice to her. After last night I've realized revenge can turn into a complete disaster for all parties involved, so playing it safe is definitely the way to go. And more importantly- You don't wanna tick off someone who has any kind of power over you.

After all, everyone's a kid at heart.

And kids.... Will be kids.