SURVIVING LIFE

It was late at night and I had been deprived of food and sleep for nearly five days. I was paranoid and afraid even by my closest family, I trusted no one.  I had cried a river of tears and I hated myself completely.  My family had become aggravated by my actions and behavior.  But I couldn’t help it; I was terrified by everything life offered.  I had been through so much this far in my life:  From having a hysterectomy at age 24 due to endometriosis, without ever enjoying the birth of a child.  I fell into illness with emphysema, lost the use of my right hand in an auto accident and then on top of all of this fate slapped me again with an embarrassing affliction of mental illness.

That night I was particularly scared, I paced the floors like a cat on a roof.  I cried uncontrollably, I was having what they call a psychotic break in which
I thought people were trying to harm my family and then blame me for it.  It’s really ridiculous now that I look back on it but at the time it was real to me, I was terrified as I heard their screams.  Even though I saw them there I could not reassure myself that they were ok.  I feared that I would be next and that they would torture me, I don’t dare to discuss the sinister thoughts,  for no one needs those images of torture in his/her mind.  I was so weak from hunger and lack of sleep that I could not fight it any more.  It’s not that I hated my life, I had much to live for in reality, like my family which I love so dear.  I was terrified and wanted the mental anguish to go away and the screams to stop; quite frankly I was afraid of life and I was looking for an escape.  So I took a bottle of pills which I thought were muscle relaxers, I knew that would stop my heart and cause me to die.  I took the wrong medication, and I became very ill.  At the hospital they pumped my stomach and put me in ICU for a few days.  They transferred me to the psyche  ward where I received counseling .  I met other people with similar problems and be-friend them.  At first I was afraid I thought this is a nut house these crazy people might hurt me.  That is how I viewed it, that is how most people view it.  But it’s not like that, there are people from all walks of life who suffer with mental illness, doctors, lawyers, nurses and such.  There are different forms of mental illness from depression and anxiety, to mania and schizophrenia. While I was there I decided to get my life together and decide what to do with it.  I don’t have a formal education just high school and not a very good one at that.  But I want to be a writer, though I’ve never taken a writing class I hope to learn on line, I’m pretty much a shut in so that will give me the extra time.  I have these episodes about onece a year, I now understand where they came from and I am learning to deal with life’s little un-pleasantries. Before you judge me harshly, please look at where I’ve been.  I'm now on meds., which I take each night.
I'm just like everyone else, just a bit shy.