The Holiday to a Hellish Place

Finally, the volcanic planet came into view.
“There she is, Ted.” I said.
“Yep.” replied Ted, piloting the craft.
Slowly the planet became bigger and bigger. Then it started to become bigger a lot faster. Possibly too much faster.
“Hey Ted, slow down a bit would ya?”
Still faster.
“Ted, slow down.”
“What?”
“SLOW DOWN”
“But I-“
CRASH! We came down to the mysterious volcanic planet like a tonne of bricks. Like a tonne of falling bricks. Like a tonne of incredibly fragile falling bricks onto extremely hard concrete. You get the picture.
But somehow, I just managed to emerge from the ship uninjured (well, mainly), but ‘Mr. Useless’ didn’t. He ended up landing practically upside down, balancing on his head. Then he came falling down like a – sorry – tonne of bricks (and it serves him right, too). But Ted’s injuries were the very least of my problems. I don’t know about Ted, but I would like to get home at some point in time (with or without Ted, either suit me fine). And just to top everything off, it turns out that all our communication devices ended up getting crushed or damaged. One damaged communicator was working for a time. “Hey fellas, what’s happened!” said the crackly voice through the communicator.
“What happened? Oh, I’ll tell you what happened. Ted here decided he’d go for the whole ‘epic landing’ thing and ended up almost killing –“ I was talking to a dead line. I picked up the comm. Unit and in anger threw it to the ground.
“There goes any hope of communication!” said Ted, like this whole fiasco was my fault.
“What? What! Are you blaming me! Well I’ll tell you what you are. You’re a –“ But before I could even begin insulting Ted, a 20 foot snake (about 1 metre wide, too) came out of a nearby pit of lava and (yes, there were a lot of those pits around) drew itself up to full height, ready to lash out. Ted hurriedly shoved me in front of himself. The god-sized snake had begun its attack as I franticly tried to escape Ted’s grip. Just as the snake opened its mouth to crunch me into who knows how many pieces (please just the one piece) I skilfully whacked Ted in the jaw and rolled out of the way. (And for those who were wondering, yes, I am very skilled at close-quarters combat).
“You son of a-“ he started, but the snake (although a snake was hardly what it was) had just devoured him whole .
Good riddance, I thought, as the beast lowered itself back into the pit of lava, giving me an evil glare, and as I sprinted off into the other direction, the both of you.
I was still running away when I realised I was about to approach another steaming pit of lava. I came to a speedy halt. I turned in the other direction, ready to restart my sprint, when a (much smaller) alien appeared. It began to make quite animated gestures as it also started talking absolute gibberish. It made a sighing motion, and stuck its hand in its pocket and pulled out a fish and handed it to me. I swallowed it whole, not knowing what to do. The alien seemed quite annoyed with me, pointing its deranged finger at its ear while grabbing another fish with its free hand. I took this one and stuck it in my ear.
“Babel fish. It allows you to understand foreign languages. Gosh, has no one read “A Hitchhiker’s guide to the galaxy”.”
I just stood there, gobsmacked.
“I’m Malmo by the way” the alien spoke, quite out of synch (the Babel fish wasn’t doing a very good job translating.).
“J-j-j-john” I said, hardly managing even the most basic, one syllable words.
I noticed a robot to the right of ‘Malmo’.
“This here is my robotic counterpart, A.R.G.H.”
“What?”
“It’s my name! Automatic Robotic Galactic Healer! A.R.G.H.! Simple.” The robot speedily replied.
Malmo held out a glowing red plant that looked suspiciously like a chilli plant.
“Eat it. It’s good stuff.”
I took the plant and cautiously placed it in my mouth. I bit down on it. Nothing, nothing, nothing. Then BANG! A taste explosion of the chilli kind erupted in my mouth, and I swear my tongue had melted.
“ARGHHHHHH” I screamed.
“What?” replied A.R.G.H.
I quickly spat it out.
“Tastes good, doesn’t it?” said a familiar voice. And not Malmo’s or A.R.G.H.’s.
“Ted!”
“I am going to steal all these deliciously scrumptious plants and bring them home and sell them to the world! I will be the most powerful man in the world! MuHaHaHAHAHAHAHA!” roared a quite out of control Ted.
“Well Ted, for one, they’re bloody hot, and two, that’s plain wrong!”
“I thought you would be on my side. Oh well, if I must...” He pulled out a plasma gun and began to pull the trigger just as an electric charge (courtesy of A.R.G.H.) burst into his chest. The result wouldn’t have shamed an Olympic high jumper. He flew a good 3 metres backward, straight into a pool of lava.
“ARRRRRGGGGHHHHH” he howled, as the lava burned his body to a crisp.
“What now?” said the robot.
Ted was finished. It’s not like he’d be missed. I swear they only gave him this (joke of a) holiday so he could give the people on planet Earth a break from his ignorance and annoyance. But finally all his plans for world domination were over. Thank God.

“How did Ted survive that 20-foot beasts stomach?”
“The Gralazyins ‘eating’ Ted? They were just playing around. They feed off of the lava and chilli plant. I’ll bet it just spat out Ted.” answered Malmo.
“You’re telling me that those 20 foot tall oversized monsters are playful creatures? Which planet am I on!” I exclaimed.
“Planet Ak” answered A.R.G.H.
I shook my head.
“How am I going to get back home?”
“Oh, how does a teleporter sound?”
“I think I might stay here for the month.” I said, finally satisfied I would get the holiday that I had worked so hard for.