So Superficial

You make this world into a superficial document
A text message of who's who's and what's what's
How to's and make up's
So superficial with candy lips and silicone breasts
Your skin may look like honey
But the taste is only aspartine

"Do you find it beautiful?"
A carbon copy of you appraises a purchase with shrewish eyes
Her words are always lies, but you know this
Years before, nobody would have ever mistaken the two of you for each other
Now everyone in your circle of friends is indistinguishable
You can't remember the last time someone called you by your name

Everything is visual
The other four senses have lost their place in your world
The soft curves of your figure long since drained hard and thin by liposuction
The taste of candy became akin to sin; replaced by no-cal sweeteners and elliptical machines
Pretend that feeling of starvation in your gut is really nothing but hunger
Perfume bursts burn the nose, paint the back of your throat
You vaguely realize you have forgotten the scent of human skin

And through it all there is the want--want want want
Of shining metals and flickering electronics and bright gyrating lights
Simple as children, staring at God's toy store
Drool pooling, tongues thick, eyes dilated in anticipation
Clumsy fingers fumbling at momentary desires
Your own graceful fingers fumbling at the waistline of someone else's jeans
Hard, sleek bodies coaxed close for an instant
But their vapid, flitting pace reminds you too much of yourself to stomach for long

And so you wander in this maze of siren music and blazing colors
Only to realize as you stumble home drunk and alone that the music sounds like wailing
That the beat of the bass is too much like your sluggish pulse
You touch long, perfectly rectangular nails to your temples and gasp with an illness you cannot name
Stare blindly with eyes so different than the ones nature gave you
When you look up the streets have changed, but you have not moved at all
You realize you never change at all
And though you are beginning to understand that it will not matter, you wonder if you can find your way home

And so you slowly slip away into soporific drugs
Let the men draw their hands over you, admire your fake flesh and tight starving body
Only to burrow into you without kisses or words
To do things to you that would make their mothers ashamed
And leave before the clock begins to buzz and the dawn rises
Their debauchery left forgotten in the twilight of your bedroom

You stumble down the streets in daylight, disoriented
Tripping in heels that make the muscles burn all the way to your lower back
Flitting from store to store, searching for the perfect item, something that has eluded you
If only your vocabulary were better, you would know that what you feel now is desperation
Your hands graze through the aisles of beautiful fabrics, trace miles of yarn
What you're looking for isn't here, but you cannot imagine that what you need might be unable to be bought
You cannot bear to leave empty handed
A cashmere wrap beckons you, hundreds of dollars for little more than an ounce of hair
Yet it is full of empty promises
And you are in the mood to believe
The clerk swipes the card, then looks disgusted
"Your soul has already maxed out its line of credit. Do you have another form of payment?"
But there is nothing, you have nothing left to give

And over the weeks and months, the urge to talk fades away
You learn to giggle at jokes you do not care enough to understand
Learn to smile prettily at the men who will use you as a receptacle later in the night
Learn to lie as completely as your friends do
All the while something seethes and boils beneath the surface
You suspect this feeling may be anger
But the pills you swallow make you blissfully dead inside

When you go home at night you do not even bother to wash your face
The makeup has left a permanent stain, become irreversible
You cannot remember what you used to look like before you ever put it on
You scan helplessly through old photo albums, but are unable to identify yourself in any of the pictures
You find yourself staring blankly for long periods of time
Sometimes with the TV blaring senselessly, sometimes not
And when you try to recall exactly what it was you were thinking about
Nothing comes to mind

Strutting through sunny streets, streets that are as bright and tanned as you are, just as superficial
You become truly lost for the first time
Not because the area has changed, but because you cannot remember exactly what your home looks like
The dips and turns in the road all bring you to other streets with beckoning billboards of gorgeous women who are utterly indistinguishable
All run past tiny designer shops, store clerks with animatronic smiles who will not recognize you no matter how many times you enter
And so you wander alone, heels clipping the pavement and the heat radiating up at you
The sun should have sunk hours ago, but nothing ever changes in this place
This maze of golden streets continues, until you finally sink, exhausted, to your knees
Beneath one of the perfect, flawless models of the billboards with her haughty pout
And you notice that none of them ever seem to smile

You have been too long without drugs
The exhaustion has frayed your nerves
And you are not stupid anymore, not happily numb
And something has become quite clear to you--
You are angry
In fact, you are pissed

You decide that the billboard model will bear the brunt of this wrath
So you take shaking, tenuous steps up the ladder, not thinking to remove your stilettos
They are as much a part of you as your soul at this point
But you are determined to deface her
As she has defaced you

You dig through your tiny clutch bag for something to damage her with, frustrated at your ineffectual array of creams and towelettes and perfume bottles
Finally you pull out a tube of lipstick
And are dismayed to realize it is the same product being advertised on the board
You hope it will show up
Because everyone needs to see
You scrawl your message to the world, garish in Pomegranate Shimmer
And a tiny piece inside you gasps, shudders, and begins to breathe again

When you turn away, the sun is sinking into the waves in the distance
And the wind is blowing at you from the sea
You let your legs dangle from the edge of the platform, swing your bare feet
The caress of the failing sunlight a thousand times more sensual than your many lovers ever were
Heels dropped casually to the ground below
The wind has a scent, you realize
And this is the first time you have ever noticed it
It smells of salt grains and dead plants and fish
Real, like nothing else in your world

And you realize that from this height
You know exactly where you are
You whisper to yourself the only prayer you will ever speak again:

Lord, protect us from the things we think we need.