"No, I can't today"

We walk down that hill, in silence – so much to say.  I just want to hold your hand, but I don’t know how you’d feel about it.  We keep walking and I try not to think of all the eyes that are watching us.  But this could be just my imagination.

You have a steady pace, hands in your pockets.  Yes, I am sure you are hiding them from mine.  I can’t see your face – I am looking down, feeling stupid, trying to think of something smart to say.

Any moment with you, as awkward as it may be, is undoubtedly the brightest part of my day.  I’m your puppy, begging for attention, but in my own shy and quiet way.  I try so hard to say “no” to you.  “No, I can’t today.”  Will I ever? 

You own me.  In the blink of an eye I’m there.  I hear about your pain and it causes me twice as much.  I do hate you sometimes.  I really do.

I can’t wait for the day when I will be completely indifferent to you.  No love, no hate.  Today will be one of those memories that cause me no emotion.  And I will only think about you if I happen to see you by chance.  “Oh, him.”

The hills we walk up and down everyday, red bicycles, music venues, German beer… will mean absolutely nothing.  I might even buy myself a red bicycle and ride up and down those hills and past the German bar everyday and not even think about it.  That’s how I want it to be.  I want you to be nothing in my mind.

But for now, you own all of it - all day and all night.  And there is nothing that I can do about it - nothing but wait.  Nothing but grow older and miss out on only God knows what.

And in two days… well, I can’t wait to walk down that hill and through the cobblestone street we hate so much in two days, and see you hide your hands and share an awkward silence with you.  Then joke about it and laugh and pretend, for a second, that everything will be alright.