The Squeegee Chronicles (Part 1)

FOREWORD:

The Squeegee Chronicles are meant to be taken as a literary experiment, a sort of stream of consciousness, if you will, in fiction form. Each day during my Sophomore English class (some five years ago) we would have a sort of "free write" time, during which I started to pump out these ridiculous anecdotes about a pirate and the incredibly bizarre world that he inhabits. Each part, chapter, or what have you was written in the span of about three to five minutes (although occasionally reaching ten), and I honestly had no idea where the story was going until it got there. Additionally were three small English assignments (two vocab shorts and a parable) that I included in the overall storyline which obviously received more time on my behalf. Nonetheless, pretty soon these stories evolved into an epic and bizarre tale that no words but their own can describe.

So here are The Squeegee Chronicles as I first wrote them, with only minimal grammatical and spelling corrections. I had often pondered re-editing the collection into something more presentable, but decided that such mucking about would have all but killed them in their original glory. Anyway, what I'm getting at is give them a chance. In the beginning they are very choppy and nonsensical, but by the time of the 8th or 9th part things pick up and eventually become more sound. I promise. Well, other than the stovepipes, yams, and starving crazed weasels, but you'll get to that. Enjoy.


THE SQUEEGEE CHRONICLES

By Jason “The Water Buffalo” Silverman


PART 1: THE CLIFFSIDE PIRATE

Petey Bob Joe went to the elephant museum. There, he found many interesting friends, who were named Ralphie James, Piece Of Paper, and Crazy Squeaky Guy. So, from there, they went canoeing down the great waterfall of the 7th Sea. However, little did they know, a crazy pirate in a cave inside the cliff caught them with his hook. He took one look at them and said “Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr”. He then stared blankly at them for a long time. As an afterthought, he turned around, yelled “Matey!”, and jumped out of his cliff. Piece of Paper watched this, and then said frankly, “I love canoes”. To get themselves out of this predicament, they all climbed inside of a rusty stove pipe and rolled away. The next day, Crazy Squeaky Guy ran up the hill to his house, grabbed a screwdriver, ran back to the pirate’s cave, unscrewed another rusty stove pipe, got inside, and rolled away again.


PART 2: THE UNEARTHLY SCISSORS

One day Piece Of Paper was walking down the street. All of a sudden, the pirate came rolling out of the hardware store in a brand new stove pipe. He ran into Piece Of Paper, who went flying. when Piece Of Paper got back up again, the pirate turned around, rolled away, and hit a telephone pole. Piece Of Paper could hear a muffled voice from inside the stove pipe yell “Arrrrrr! Me noggin!”. Then the pirate in his brand new stovepipe rolled away again. Piece of paper, who was now thoroughly frightened of all stove pipes, dashed into the nearest store. When he finally caught his breath, he looked around. Surrounding him were a bunch of old rusty kitchen utensils. He turned around to leave, but he then noticed the Crazy Squeaky Guy hanging on one of the hooks as well. Knowing that he had been spotted, Crazy Squeaky guy hopped down, got in a rusty stove pipe, and rolled away


PART 3: THE STOVEPIPE JUNTA

It was just a regular day in the junta of stovepipe land. Suddenly, they all decided to get into their stove pipes and roll away.

Meanwhile, the pirate had put on his eye patch and was terrorizing little kids in the park. He would run up to one kid, say “Arrrrrrrr! It’s thee stove pipes of the apocalypse!” He would then turn around, get into his stove pipe, and roll away.

Meanwhile, Piece of Paper was eating a Nougat.

Meanwhile, the police got into their stovepipes and chased the pirate. However, the pirate was a tricky lad. He got into his stove pipe and rolled away. The police never caught him that day.


PART 4: THE GOLF CLUBS OF THE APOCALYPSE

Crazy Squeaky Guy decided to get ice cream. He went up to a barrel and said, “Yes, Id like some nougats please.” Little did he know, the pirate was hiding inside of the barrel.

Suddenly, the pirate jumped out and said, “Arrrrrrrr. That barrel be cramped.” He then stared blankly at Crazy Squeaky guy for a while. During this time, Crazy squeaky Guy had gotten his ice cream, and so he offered it to the pirate, in the hopes that he would get in his stovepipe and roll away.

The pirate took the ice cream, looked at it, and said, “Arrrrrrrrr. Me yams are fresh.” Unfortunately, Crazy Squeaky Guy’s wish didn’t come true, because instead of the pirate getting in his stove pipe and rolling away, he just rolled away without any pipe what so ever. As he was rolling away, the pirate rolled over a fire ant hill. Crazy Squeaky Guy could hear him yelling in the distance, “Arrrrrrrr! Me flesh! Arrrrrrrr! Me bits!”

Then, Crazy Squeaky Guy got in his stove pipe and rolled away.


PART 5: THE SALAMANDER OF NORTH AVENUE

The Pirate continued rolling. He went into North Avenue, but stopped when he hit a dumpster, with a loud crash and a muffled “Arrrrrrrr.” When he got up, he saw a large salamander staring at him. Out of fright, the pirate hopped on a nearby tricycle and rode away. The salamander had different plans. He stopped the pirate. The pirate looked up at the salamander, his eyes wide with terror. Then, the salamander ate him. He could hear a faint voice from inside him say, “Arrrrrrrr. ‘Tis sloshy in here.” Then, the salamander got in a stove pipe and rolled away.


PART 6: 100 WAYS TO WEAR AN EYE PATCH

The Pirate was doing his every day routine. Plucking feathers off of his peacock, making a stew out of them, and of course, terrorizing little kids in the park.

Meanwhile, Piece of Paper was rolling in his stovepipe to the corner store. There, he bought a yam, a nougat, and a plum. However, the pirate jumped out from behind the cabinet and said, “Arrrrrrrr! These here hands have laid claim over that there plum!” He then lunged for Piece of Paper. Luckily, the Crazy Squeaky Guy was just in time. He came rolling up in his stovepipe and squished the pirate. A muffled voice could be heard saying “Arrrrrrrr. I lost me eye patch.”

Quickly, Piece of Paper and Crazy Squeaky Guy got into their stovepipes and rolled away. The pirate got into his stovepipe and rolled into the freezer, never to be heard from again. “Arrrrrrrrr. ‘Tis cold as a parrot’s plucked bum in here.”


(INTERLUDE: ENGLISH ASSIGNMENT)
VOCAB SHORT STORY: “The Flight Of The Pirate”

A man went walking down the street. As he walked, a pirate decided to taint the man’s day. As the man continued walking, the daft pirate rolled out of nowhere in his stovepipe. The man quailed, but remained stationary, and the pirate rolled him over.

After his inept act, the pirate got out of his stovepipe to admire his work. Just then, he noticed an old lady, full of pallor, standing, humbled, in front of a closed door. The pirate, having a sudden sense of deference, rushed to the woman’s aid. The woman avidly thanked him as she walked through the door. Then, the pirate got inside his stovepipe and rolled away.

As the pirate was rolling, he decided to go home. His home was really just a cave in the side of a cliff, ameliorated with modern luxuries. When he was inside the cave, a pigeon flew in, stole his food, and flew out. The pirate looked up and yelled indignantly, “Arrrrrrrrrr! Me grub!” He then jumped off of his stool, ran to the cave entrance, and jumped out after the bird. The pirate didn’t return home that day.


PART 7: 20,000 LEAGUES UNDER THE COUCH

The parade of silly geese walked down the street. All around, fans were cheering and blowing things around. Suddenly, they all got into their stovepipes and rolled away.

Instead of rolling away, Piece of Paper rolled to the pirate’s cave. When he walked in, he couldn’t find the pirate anywhere. Then, he heard a voice coming from under the sofa.

“Arrrrrrrrrrr. Batten down the hatches, clear the poop deck, and get me me yams! Arrrrrrrrr. Klingons on the starboard bow. Scrape them off Jimmy!”

Piece of paper slowly walked towards the sofa, and peeked under. There, he saw the pirate, laying on his stomach, playing with little toy boats, plastic soldiers, and a yam. The pirate didn’t notice piece of paper, and kept playing.

“Arrrrrrrrrr! Watch thee giant yam!”, said the pirate, as he dropped the yam onto one of the ships. He then noticed Piece of Paper staring at him. “Arrrrrrrrrr! ‘Tis the unearthly hatchling! Fire at will, lads!”

Before Piece of Paper could escape, the pirate started throwing little army men at his face. “Arrrrrrrrrr! Kamikaze!” Piece of Paper stumbled away, and the pirate climbed out from underneath the sofa. Just then, the pirate saw the pigeon that stole his food the day before. “Arrrrrrrr! Kamikaze!” The pirate jumped out of his cave after the pigeon.

Then, Piece of paper got into his stove pipe and rolled away.


PART 8: A NEEDLE IN A MONKEY’S BUM

Crazy Squeaky Guy was walking down the street. He heard a faint yell of “Arrrrrrrrrr! Kamikaze!” He didn’t pay much attention, but suddenly the pirate fell out of the sky and landed on an old lady in front of Crazy Squeaky Guy. Crazy Squeaky Guy was so frightened that he got into his stove pipe and rolled away.

3 minutes earlier:

The pirate jumped out of his cave after the pigeon. He managed to grab its feet, and hung there as the pigeon flew around. When the pirate collected his thoughts, he looked up and saw the bird he was holding onto. “Arrrrrrrrrrr. ‘Tis fine plumage.”

The bird was flying over the center of town, when a wombat flew right into the pirate. He was forced to let go, and plummeted downwards. Luckily an old lady broke his fall. He got up, in a daze, and decided to go terrorize little kids in the park.


INTERLUDE: THE PIRATE WARS
EPISODE I: A NEW YAM

CHAPTER 1

The pirate was in his cave, thinking about how he was going to get revenge on that pigeon when the mail arrived. He went over to get it, when he saw the crimson letter sitting on top of them all. “Arrrrrrrrrr! ‘Tis the color of me kinfolk.” He quickly opened it. Inside, was a letter:


Arrrrrrr, brother pirate.

It is me sad duty to say we are now in a state of war with the evil Wombats of the dark tide. We request that yee come to aid us in our epic struggle.

Dutifully yours,
The Other Pirate


The pirate’s Face contorted in horror. “Arrrrrrrrr! How can this be? The evil Wombats have broken their yam treaty with us! To war!” The pirate started running, but tripped and fell out of his cave. A faint voice from below could be heard. “Arrrrrrrr. I’m ok.”


CHAPTER 2

The pirate rolled in his stovepipe to the pirate training camp, called CAMP YAM. Once he arrived, he was greeted by a drill instructor. “Arrrrrrrrrrr. ‘Tis good to have you with us, lad. Now get ye-self over to combat training. Arrrrrrr.”

“Arrrrrrrrrr”, said the pirate as he saluted. He went to combat training.

“Arrrrrrrrr. On thee count of 3, run at me. Ya see?”, said the drill instructor. “Arrrrrrrr 1. Arrrrrrrr 2. Arrrrrrrr 3!”

All at once, the gang of pirates ran at the drill instructor. When they reached him, they all dropped to the ground and started gnawing at each other’s feet.

Suddenly, the alarm went off. The general pirate quickly started making his rounds on his tricycle yelling, “Arrrrrrrrr! Thee wombats are comin’! Grab ye buckets of cider and yams and follow me!” The pirate, following the other pirates, rushed to the supply room to grab their buckets with ammo.

They then formed up into squads, got into their respective stovepipe Armored Personnel Carriers, and rolled away to battle, with an angry cry of, “Arrrrrrrrr! Thee pirates of CAMP YAM shall win thee day!”


CHAPTER 3

The Armored stovepipe column rolled into a clearing, when the general, riding on his diesel tricycle, called for a halt. The troops got out of their stovepipes and took up their positions.

Suddenly, wombat shock troops started pouring in from all sides. “Arrrrrrrrr! ‘Tis thee ambush of the apocalypse!” The pirate who screamed this tried to make a run for it, but a wombat trooper threw a starving crazed weasel at his face, which latched on and started devouring him.

“Arrrrrrr! Attack!” Rank upon rank of pirate infantry men threw themselves upon the approaching wombat horde. They then, after withstanding a barrage of starving crazed weasels, dropped to the ground and started gnawing at the wombat’s feet.

Then the yam cannons on the stovepipes opened fire. Yam after yam hit the wombats, tearing through their flesh. The wombat formations were on the brink of breaking when their air support arrived.

Wombarrots, which were wombats with a parrot head, talons, and wings, dove from high above and started dropping starving crazed weasels on the pirate forces. Seeing this, the pirate general quickly called into his can attached to a string. “Arrrrrr. Call in the bommer lads.”

Within minutes, the pirate air support arrived. They were pirates strapped to hang gliders, and when they got over the wombat hordes, the pirates disengaged themselves from the hang gliders. “Arrrrrrrr! Kamikaze!”, was heard from above as the pirates plummeted towards their targets.

With the time bought by their air support, pirate squads quickly loaded up with their ammo: buckets of yams soaked in cider. One of these squads was the squad that the pirate was in.

Once they had loaded up, these armed and delicious squads ran to the thick of the battle and started dumping their contents on the wombats. The pirate himself was able to nail several wombats with one volley.

With a single shrill squeak, the remaining wombats retreated: Into the trees, over the river, through the woods, and to their base they went.

“Arrrrrrrrrr! Victory!”

“ARRRRRRR! ME FACE!”

The victory cries rippled through what was left of the pirate ranks. “Arrrrrrrr. Mobilize!” The order came from the general pirate. “Arrrrrrrrr. I heard a voice say that they retreated over the river and through the woods and to their base. Arrrrrrrr. Pursuit!”

The pirate legions got back into their stovepipe APC’s and rolled away after the wombats.


CHAPTER 4

“Stealthily”, the pirate recon team trudged through the woods in front of the main formation. After some time, the wombat base came into view. The building itself was in the shape of a giant butternut squash, and was surrounded by a pit of starving crazed weasels.

“Arrrrrrrrrr! It is found. Fount it have we! Thee must come meet me here to smite the evil base!”, called the recon leader, as loud as he possibly could, towards the direction of the pirate column. “Arrrrrrrrrrr! Come lads! We must lay siege to this awful behemoth! Arrrrrrr, we must rip thee apart, with our brave yams of our creed! Arrrrrrrr, join me! Let thy pick it up a notch! Arrrrrrrrr! Come now- Oh, why hello little wombats.” The recon leader had come to notice a formation of wombats standing in front of him.

The Wombat leader, full of pity for the so-called pirate “Stealth Recon Team of thee Creed”, personally ordered the throwing of the starving crazed weasels. The recon team wasn’t to return to the formation that day, or ever.


CHAPTER 5

Meanwhile, the armored column was growing weary from not hearing from their “elite stealth recon team.” They pressed onward, however, and finally came in sight of the giant butternut squash shaped building.

“Arrrrrrrrrr! There she blows!”, said the pirate general. “Arrrrrrrrr. Disembark thee lads and surround thee complex.”

The squads did as they were told, with he stovepipes providing cover at key positions.

“Arrrrrrrrrrr. Ready. Arrrrrrrrrr. Aim. Arrrrrrrrrrr. Fi-!”

All of a sudden the wombat trap was set into motion. The wombat shock troops approached from all around the circle, throwing starving crazed weasels everywhere.

The pirates took casualties from the first volley, but then the pirate squads took action and lunged at the wombats, gnawing at their feet. By this time, the yam cannons had come to bear on the wombats. Yam after yam was pumped into the wombat tide until only a few wombats were left.

These remaining wombats were loaded into yam cannons and launched at high altitude back to Wombatia. The giant butternut squash was then taken control of by elite pirate “Gnawers.” The wombat presence on the island had been dealt with, and the pirate general said so.

“Arrrrrrrrr. Thee wombat presence on the island had... Arrrrr... I mean has... Arrrrr... been dealt with. To thee sea! A new yam will truly be asail tonight!"


CHAPTER 6:

Over the next week, new pirate recruits were brought in and the army was fortified. It was an exciting time for the pirate nation, and the soldiers showed it by napping, but with passion. They enjoyed games of “Dunk the Beard”, “Slap the Patch” and “Prune the Parrot.”

The pirate, however, was deeply moved by the whole experience. As he one night dutifully explained to his bunkmate, “Arrrrrrrrr. I like yams, ya see?” Truly a very touching moment.

The next day the pirate army boarded their ships and set sail. They were to truly win the day.


INTERLUDE OF THE INTERLUDE:

PART 9: THE CARBON COPY PIRATE

Crazy Squeaky Guy was rolling down the street in his stovepipe. A festival was being held because the pirate hadn’t been seen in 3 weeks. Because Crazy Squeaky Guy was a curious chap, he decided to investigate.

He rolled to the pirate’s cave. There, standing in the cave entrance was a cardboard cutout of the pirate saying something in a giant speech balloon.

"Arrrrrrrr! It is I. Stay away from this here cave or I shall smite thee with me yams. Arrrrrrrrrr! I am truly here. This is no mere cardboard cutout. I have merely gone on a diet, ya see?"

Crazy Squeaky Guy was so frightened by the threats made by the cardboard cutout that he got into his stovepipe and rolled away.


BACK TO THE ORIGINAL INTERLUDE:
THE PIRATE WARS
EPISODE 2: THE WOMBATS STRIKE BACK

CHAPTER 1

The mighty fleet of pirate ships sailed the sea. The “Mighty Might of Mightiness”, which was their flagship, was a 239 1/2 foot long ship, complete with square rigged sails and a wooden frame. Any pirate’s dream. Also in the fleet were some pirate aircraft carriers. These essentially had long flat decks with slingshots to launch the “bommer lads.” Various escort ships made up the perimeter, such as rowboats loaded with elite pirate gnawers who were armed with mini-yam cannons. This truly was a force to be reckoned with. Now their challenge was simply to know where they were going.

“Arrrrrrrrr. Me thinks wee shall go south.”

“Arrrrrrrr. No, no, fine lad. We shall go north-northeast.”

“Arrrrrrrrrrr. We should go northeast, double back, go west, around the mad cow islands, head east, and then stay still.”

“Arrrrrrrrrr. But, brother pirate, that would put us back at our current position.”

“Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrr. Ah. I see. I shall be going now.” The pirate turned around to leave but tripped and fell out a port hole. “Arrrrrrrrrrr! Kersplash!”

The General...er...Admiral Pirate stood up. “Arrrrrrrrr, Mateys. I do suggest that we head to Wombatia.”

“Arrrrrrrrrrr!”

“Arrrrrrrrr!”

“Arrrrrrrrrr!”

“Me face!... I mean... Arrrrrrrr!” The pirate who said this turned around and tripped and fell out of the port hole. “Arrrrrrrr! Kersplash! OOH! A jelly fish!”

The General / Admiral pirate remained standing in fright. “Arrrrrrrr! Jelly fish?! ‘Tis a true sign of the Wombats o’ the Dark Tide!”


CHAPTER 2

The pirate on the crow’s nest of the mast looked out with his binoculars. Approaching the mighty pirate fleet was the wombat fleet. “Arrrrrrrrrrr. Wombats off the port bow!”

The Admiral pirate made the decision to do a little jig while he was deciding what to do. Then it dawned on him. “Arrrrrrrrrr. Attack!”

The pirate ships encircled the wombat fleet and started bombarding it with yams from their yam cannons. The wombat ships returned fire by using catapults to lob clumps of starving crazed weasels.

Then, it was the turn of the pirate rowboats. They all rowed as fast as they could, right into the sides of the wombat ships. They bounced off, and most of the pirates fell out. Clearly, someone hadn’t thought this action through very well.

With a rumbling cry of “Arrrrrrrrr! Kamikaze!”, the bommer lads plummeted towards the wombat ships’ decks, simply to go splat.

Things weren’t looking good for the pirates. Suddenly, the wombat fleet got into their stovepipes and rolled away. The pirate fleet triumphed. “Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr! Victory! Me face!”


CHAPTER 3

After the defeat of the wombat fleet, the pirates celebrated their victory by throwing people overboard. Those people would then climb back onboard and throw the other people overboard. During this event, the pirate got seasick, and he had to be airlifted away.

The Admiral talked to him before the helo carried him away. “Arrrrrrrrrr. We shall wait here until ye return. We will go no further without thee.”

The pirate thanked him, got into the helo-stovepipe and rolled away.


...To be concluded



Part 10: 73 Types Of Apricots

The pirate was dropped off at the hospital, and he was feeling better. He decided to get into his stovepipe and roll away home.

When he got to his cave, he found it just the way he had left it. With this pride, he thanked his cardboard cutout. “Arrrrrrrr. Fine job there lad. Let’s celebrate with a fine game of dunk thee beard!”

The pirate was so giddy that he did a little jig as he filled the dunking barrel with rum. He brought the cardboard cutout to the barrel. “Arrrrrrr. Ye go first.”

The pirate tried to dunk the cardboard cutout’s beard in the barrel, but realized that there was no chin. “Arrrrrrrr. Well, let’s just play dunk thee head.” The pirate inverted the cardboard cutout and dropped it into the rum. Then, the cardboard cutout started to dissolve.

“Arrrrrrrr! No, fine lad! This is not called ‘dissolve ye self!’ Noooooo! Don’t ye melt on me!” The cardboard cutout shriveled in the pirate’s hands, and he knew it was too late. With teary eyes, the pirate looked up, and in a high voice said, “Arrrrrrrr. He was me best friend.”

The pirate ran to his room, slammed the door, and cried his eyes out over the loss of his dear friend.


Part 11: Melancholy Muffin To The Rescue

Piece Of Paper was walking down the street. He was just thinking about how beautiful Stovepipe Land was in the absence of the Pirate, when a giant pair of boots fell out of the sky and squished him.

The pirate was grinning down from a balcony above. “Arrrrrrrrr! I yam back!” The pirate then got into his stovepipe and rolled to the park.

“Arrrrrr. Ye park. How I have missed thee. And the children... I found myself longing for...... Arrrrrrr, me brain stopped.” The pirate sat there with a blank expression on his face, when a little kid frolicked by. The pirate broke out in a grin and lunged after the kid with a cry of, “Arrrrrrrr! Kamikaze!”

The pirate was truly home at last... or so he thought... and he was right, too.


(INTERLUDE: ENGLISH ASSIGNMENT)
PARABLE: “YOBREC’S TRIP”

Yobrec Wendell was walking down the street. He had just moved to Stovepipe Land, and it was a beautiful day. He was having a grand old time. Obviously, he didn’t know of the dangers that lurked below.

WHAM! Yobrec fell, and slammed onto the pavement. He was dazed, and he continued to lay there. When he finally collected his thoughts, he got up, and looked to see what he had tripped over.

There, lying on the side of the street, was a pirate, who was pressing himself against the pavement, trying to make himself as small as possible. He was looking at Yobrec, and had a crazy look in his one eye, (as he was wearing an eye patch.)

“Arrrrrrrrr. You can’t see me!” said the pirate in a maniacal voice. He then continued to lie there, with the same crazy look in his eye.

Yobrec was frightened by this incident, and backed away as quickly as possible. All the while the pirate was watching him with the crazy look in his eye. Yobrec broke into a full run, and sprinted until he couldn’t see the pirate anymore. When he stopped, he laughed, and dismissed the incident as a unique experience.

The pirate, on the other hand, had gotten quite a thrill from being tripped over. “Arrrrrrrrrr. That be fine stumblin' over me carcass,” said the pirate to himself. He got into his stovepipe and rolled away, to plot his further actions against Yobrec.

The next day, Yobrec was walking in the park. It was another beautiful day, and he knew this. Oddly enough, he had a strange feeling like he was being watched. He dismissed it as normal paranoia.

Suddenly, an acorn hit him in the back of the head. He whirled around, but saw nothing. He looked at the sky above, and saw some rustling in the trees. He dismissed it as some mischievous squirrel. Yobrec turned around to keep walking.

WHAM! Yobrec fell onto the sidewalk like a yam onto a frying pan. He got up quickly, and laying on the ground behind him was the fiendish pirate from the day before, still with the same crazy look in his eye.

“Arrrrrrrrrr. It’s thee invisibility cloak of the apocalypse!”, whispered the pirate with an unearthly grin.

Yobrec screamed and ran away. He ran across the street and into a deli. Once he had caught his breath, he bought a sandwich and headed home.

That night, Yobrec was getting ready to go to bed. He brushed his teeth, took a shower, and got something to eat. Then, realizing the stupidity of the order of his actions, brushed his teeth again. Exhausted, he climbed the stairs to his room. He reached the top of the stairs and proceeded to walk down the hall.

WHAM! Yobrec fell and skidded to a halt on the wooden floor. He jumped up and spun around, already knowing what was waiting for his sorry eyes.

There, laying on the floor, was the pirate, with that same crazy look in both his eyes, (as his eye patch had fallen off when Yobrec tripped.) “Arrrrrrrrr. I am a chameleon,” said the pirate with a hiss.

Yobrec screamed like a rabid weasel and ran out of his house as fast as he possibly could. He didn’t know where to go, so he ran around in circles for a couple of minutes, screaming all the while. When he finally calmed down a little, he started running down the street.

He rounded the corner, and dodged a mailbox that tried to hit him. He was out of breath by now, but he kept stumbling on. He looked behind him to make sure that he wasn’t being followed.

WHAM! Yobrec went flying like a yam out of a cannon and landed hard on the sidewalk. He lay there, panting. From behind him, he could hear a raspy, maniacal voice murmur, “Arrrrrrrr. I am like a stealthy speed bump.”

Yobrec was shaking in fright. “L-leave me al-lone!” he cried. “Why are y-you stalking m-me? P-please stop it!”

“Arrrrrrrrr. Shucks. It were only sport.” The pirate’s crazy look in his eyes faded, and was replaced with disappointment. He was about to get into his stovepipe and roll away, when he turned around and said to Yobrec, “Arrrrrrrr. By the way, I lost me eye patch while being an obstacle for ye feet. May I be reimbursed?”

“No!!!!” cried Yobrec.

“Arrrrrrrr. K. I shall be going now.” The pirate got into his stovepipe and rolled away.

Yobrec finally mustered the courage to get up. He looked around, and when he was satisfied that the pirate was nowhere near, he headed home. “Wow, this is one weird town,” said Yobrec to himself.

WHAM! Yobrec slammed onto the pavement like a kamikaze pirate onto a wombat ship’s deck. He got up, and whirled around. There, lying on the street, was a log. Yobrec laughed at his own paranoia and headed home, not paying any attention to the fact that on the log in big letters was painted “Arrrrrrrr.”


Part 12: Tea Of The Apocalypse

A little girl was sitting at a diner, drinking a cup of tea. Her name is not important, for her fate was soon to be sealed. She was having a bad day, and was too tired to do anything.

Suddenly, the pirate rolled up in his stovepipe. He saw her, and decided to be a kindly fellow. He walked over to her table.

“Arrrrrrrrrr. May I sit here?”

“Sure,” said the girl.

“Arrrrrrrr. Ok. Say, what’s that you’re drinkin’?”

“Tea,” said the girl glumly.

The pirate’s face contorted into an expression of pure horror. “Arrrrrrrr! TEA?! It can’t be! Not for me!” The pirate lunged at the tea cup and knocked it from the girl’s hands.

“What did you do that for?” cried the girl.

“Arrrrrrr. Sorry. I’m not a people person... Nor a tea person... I like yams, ya see?”

“Sure,” said the girl, a bit frightened now.

“Arrrrrrrr. Ok. Say, what’s that over there?” The pirate pointed behind the girl.

“What?” said the girl as she turned around.

While she wasn’t looking, the pirate lashed out at the bowl of fruit in front of the girl, knocking it from the table. The girl whirled around.

“What was that for?!” she cried.

“Arrrrrrrrr. I don’t like fruit either.” The pirate sat there with a blank expression on his face. “Arrrrrrrrr. I shall be going now,” said the pirate suddenly. Then he got into his stovepipe and rolled away.


(INTERLUDE: ENGLISH ASSIGNMENT)
VOCAB SHORT STORY: “The Pirate’s Revenge”

Yobrec Wendell had become a venerable executive at Stovepipes Inc. He had climbed the ranks in a matter of two weeks, and felt as though he was at the zenith of his career. He had all but forgotten about that fiendish pirate of a few weeks prior. Yobrec just continued on with his everyday life.

The pirate, however, had not forgotten about Yobrec. He had created a makeshift pirate training academy, a catechism of sorts, to teach new proselytes the ways of the pirate. The meeting place was in an old mine shaft in the woods, just outside of the center of Stovepipe Land, and it served as the perfect headquarters. It was from here that the pirate decided to launch his first plan of action.

“Arrrrrrrr. Fine lads, you have graduated from the Academy of Pirates, and I congratulate thee. The task lying before ye is one that will not be easy, and any wimps mixed in with ‘yall can just go swab someone else’s decks, ya hear?” sneered the pirate to his new recruits. His visage was one of disgust, looking at those who had volunteered to join his ranks. Those looking back at him were mostly in a state of cognizance, but a few didn’t seem to be paying attention at all.

“Arrrrrrrrrr. Now, go!” the pirate suddenly shouted. A few of the hastily ostentatious recruits started running around in circles, frantically looking for the goal of their new assignment. Others simply stared at the pirate, stupefied. “Arrrrrrrr. I s’pose I should explain to yas what it is I am expecting ye to do. Well, there’s this chap named Yobrec Wendell, ya see? I want you mateys to hunt him down, and cause his life to become an utter vagary. Now, GO!” The new pirates looked a little more informed, but most just started to mosey off, on their way home.

“Arrrrrrrrr,” said the pirate to himself. “It is sure that they are plotting their very actions right now.” The pirate laughed a hearty laugh, as he truly believed himself to be a sagacious lad. He continued laughing as he got into his stovepipe and rolled away.

The next day, the pirate awoke in his cave, excited to be leading this brave undertaking. He got dressed, got into his stovepipe, and rolled to the center of town, to see how things were going. As he was rolling, he saw a great number of his followers walking in the opposite direction from Yobrec’s house. He was pleased, as he thought that they were escaping from deeds that they had just committed against his new foe. What he didn’t know was that they were simply heading to an ecclesiastic to confess their sins, all of which related to their training in the pirate academy.

As the pirate kept rolling, he spotted Yobrec walking down the street. He decided to greet him, and gather as much intelligence as possible. He attempted to stealthily roll up behind Yobrec, but accidentally ran into an old lady, who started batting him with her purse while pursuing him at high speeds. With his immediate plans foiled, he spent the rest of the day trying to elude this new elderly menace.

When the pirate finally got away, he returned to his cave, too exhausted to do anything else with his day. He merely collapsed on his waterbed and muttered to himself, “Arrrrrrrrr. ‘Twas the granny of the apocalypse.” The pirate then fell asleep, without even removing his eye patch.

The next day, the pirate woke up, and decided to try to intercept Yobrec, but this time without running into any old ladies. He spent half an hour simply rolling about around town, but finally spotted his prey. He rolled up to a tree, and hid behind it until Yobrec was near.

The pirate jumped out to greet his target. “Arrrrrrrrrr. How’s ye feet?” said the pirate slyly.

“Um, fine.” said Yobrec, a bit taken aback by the randomness of the pirate’s greeting.

“Arrrrrrrrr. That be good. So, has anything interesting happened to ya lately?” inquired the pirate.

“Uh, not really.” replied Yobrec.

“Arrrrrrrrrrr. No mysterious mishaps? No interferences with your day? No yams dropping from the sky only to smite ye in thee head ?”

“No... Should there have been?” asked Yobrec, who was now growing weary of the oddly specific questions that were being asked. “I’ve been fine. In fact, I’m now in a head position in my company--”

“Arrrrrrrrr! This can’t be! I’ve trained me mates too well for this!” The pirate grabbed his face in horror. “Are ye sure that no mysterious mateys who were seemingly new to the art of piratery didn’t come knocking on ye door smelling of rotten mischief?”

“Yes, I’m sure!” exclaimed Yobrec, who was now getting quite annoyed by the spastic little man wearing an eye patch who was now doing a jig in front of him. “I thought we settled this before. Leave me alone!”

The pirate stopped his angry jig and stared at Yobrec with a blank look on his face. “Never.” he whispered.

“Excuse me?”

The pirate’s face contorted into a look of spiteful satisfaction. “Never.” he said. “Never. Never! NEVER!” He screamed with glee at poor Yobrec. “I shall not rest until ye have been driven out of ye mind!”

The pirate ran off, laughing maniacally. He was so full of joy that he was oblivious to the lamp post that collided with him. The pirate got back up, dazed. Then he remembered where he was and continued to laugh maniacally as he got into his stovepipe and rolled away.


PART 13: THE PILORIC BUTLER FROM PENNSYLVANIA

The pirate was in dismay about the failure of his new troops. He was in the process of pouting, when a knock came to his cave. He went to answer the “door.”

There was a man in a suit waiting for him. “Greetings, fine sir. I am a butler, and I come to serve you, if you would like.”

“Arrrrrrrr. Where are ye from, fine lad?” asked the pirate.

“Pennsylvania. Why do you ask?”

“Arrrrrrr! Me gastric juices!” screamed the pirate. He tried to slam the door in the butler’s face, but realized that he had no door. As an alternative, he kicked the man in the foot and ran away.

“Hmmmmmm. Some strange people live in this town,” said the butler to himself. Then, he got into his stovepipe and rolled away.


PART 14: MARSHMALLOWS OF DOOM

Crazy Squeaky Guy was walking to the market. He needed to buy some cheese, and was almost there when a giant piece of bread fell out of the sky and squished an old lady. Crazy Squeaky Guy screamed, got into his stovepipe, and rolled away.

The pirate saw this whole event unfold before his eyes. He was just about to jump Crazy Squeaky Guy when the bread fell. When Crazy Squeaky Guy pulled out his stovepipe and got in, the pirate tripped and fell into the other side of the stovepipe. Now the pirate was unwillingly riding in the stovepipe with Crazy Squeaky Guy.

Crazy Squeaky Guy knew none of this, however. He was simply rolling along when he felt something grab his foot. Then he heard a hiss. “Arrrrrrrr. Me precious!”

Crazy Squeaky Guy jumped and with this sudden motion fell out of the stovepipe and skidded to a halt on the street. The pirate took up control of the stovepipe and started rolling away. “Arrrrrrr. ‘Tis the hijack of the Apocalypse... Me precious!” The pirate, being so caught up in his impression of a movie character, didn’t see the cliff that he rolled off of.

SPLASH! The pirate landed in the water below. “Arrrrrrr! I am buoyant! Yay for me!” The pirate floated away in his stovepipe.


(CONTINUED IN "THE SQUEEGEE CHRONICLES (PART 2)")