Sir Lady Lissa the Smart

Sir Lady Lissa the Smart and Sir Jerome of the Lawn Gnomes


         Once upon a time, in a land far, far away, there lived...
         HOLD IT! You really thought I would start my tale that way? Please! It’s set in our time, the year of 2004, and the land far, far away? Well, it’s actually not that far, you’re probably standing in it now. Lincoln, Nebraska, Home of... well I don’t actually know, but some pretty weird stuff if I had to guess.
         It’s kind of funny? It’s my tale and also when thought about, the tale of many others. It’s a tale of terror and chaos, and, not surprisingly, love and romance.

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“Your total will be 25.68,” the clerk told me as I took out my Duck Tape wallet.
         I was just leaving the local used bookstore when something caught my eye. A small knife lay hidden behind one of the dusty old books, on display in the window. After picking it up I saw a small drop of blood fall to the floor; I had cut myself.
“Beautiful, isn’t it?” I turned around to see an old lady standing behind me.
She seemed okay, her hair was pulled back into a gray bun and her skin was as wrinkled as a raisin, she could have easily been someone’s nice old grandmother. Her nametag said her name was Edna, and she was the Manager/Owner.
“Yeah, it’s very beautiful,” I told her. I was looking at the intricate designs on the blade when I heard my mom honk outside the door.
“You can keep it if you like,” she said, smiling at me. She must have seen the surprise on my face because she smiled once again and said “I see you in here all the time, think of it as a gift.”
         I had no idea what I’d do with it, but I told her thank you and shoved it into my bag. I went outside to the car and sucked on my finger, hoping it would stop hurting.
~~
         The weeks passed and my life went on, I had nearly forgotten about my encounter with the older lady, until I was forced to remember it. I sat on the curb near my school waiting for the city bus to come it was always late. I was listening to my new CD of one of my favorite bands when a lady came up beside me. She slightly resembled the lady from the bookstore, although this one was more wrinkled and she seemed a little more frail.
         The bus came up and I boarded, showing the driver my pass and sitting down. The lady followed me on and sat across from me. After starting my CD player again, the bus started to move. A few minutes passed when I was aware of eyes staring at me. Looking around, I saw the old lady, she was the one staring, making me even more uncomfortable with every passing second.
“Can I help you?” I asked, hoping she would stop and answer my question. It didn’t work; she kept staring, even while she answered my question.
“I would hope you can help me! Have you ever heard of the great wizard Brittney Spears? She is rather great, sold a lot of CD’s” she said as I stared open-mouthed; I was talking to a mad woman.
“Okay,” I said, curious to see what she would say next.
“So you have heard of her! Good. I have a task for you; I need you to help kill her.”
         I was speechless; this lady really was insane. Yeah, I thought Brittney Spears was evil, but I wasn’t going to kill her. Still curiosity overcame me and I asked “why?”
“Because,” she said as if I should know why. When I didn’t respond she leaned towards my ear and said in a low whisper “She’s waking up the Lawn Gnomes.”
         This was to funny and I couldn’t stand it anymore; a huge laugh escaped from my mouth and I couldn’t stop.
“This is not a laughing matter; do you want to draw attention to yourself?” She whispered sharply into my ear.
         I shut up then and thought about it. This lady seemed serious, and she was beginning to convince me; now That scared me.  I looked out the window and realized we were nearing my stop. Signaling the bus driver I gathered my things together and waited.
         I guess the lady wasn’t finished, because she grabbed my arm. I struggled to get free when the lady said “Use the knife on them” letting go she added “Give your kiss to the one not like the others.” sounding like a child signing her favorite nursery rhyme.
         The bus had stopped and I hurried off. I had just spent the last fifteen minutes talking with an insane person, and what’s worse is that even when she talked in riddles I understood her.
~~
         Walking the few blocks between the bus stop and my house I thought about the old ladies madness. Could it be real? Were there actually Lawn Gnomes who would come alive and cause chaos and havoc in the world around me? Was that scary, no-good Britney Spears really a mastered wizard who put a spell over the world population so they would buy her headache causing CD’s? If all this were true it would really blow my mind.
         Opening my front door I heard my mom yell for me. “Lissa, can you come her a second?” Dropping my backpack onto the sofa I dragged myself to the kitchen. In front of her sat a lawn gnome, of all the things in the world, it was a lawn gnome.
“Isn’t he cute?” she asked, “I picked him up at a Garage Sale”
“Sure, he’s cute...I guess” I said trying to push the whole bizarre conversation from the bus to the back of my mind.
“I’m just touching up the paint and then I’ll set him on the front porch.”
“Whatever,” I replied and went to my room. It was just another afternoon in good ‘ole Lincoln, Nebraska.
         I glanced at the knife that I had lain on my dresser. The silver glinted in the artificial light. Picking it up to look more closely, I heard a scream come from the kitchen. I almost left the knife in my room, but decided to keep it as I ran towards the sound.
         I screamed when I saw the Lawn Gnome choking my Mother, her nearly dead body sprawled across the floor. When I screamed the gnome began his approach on me; it was like a picture perfect scene from a horror movie.
         Remembering what the old lady had said I lunged at the gnome and loped off his head. As I watched it roll across the floor it turned into ashes and disappeared. His body began to age rapidly and then, just like the head: POOF!
~~
         Running outside I found that this evil had spread over the whole city, and everywhere could be seen the possessed Lawn Gnomes, attacking the populace of Lincoln. After seeing me they all began to approach and I ran; I ran as fast as my legs would carry me, but they were everywhere.
“Kill them,” a voice said in my head. Great know I was hearing voices!
“This is no voice in your head, it’s me. Now kill them!” The voice seemed to scream.
“Why did you choose me?” I yelled, dodging the little hands that were grabbing at my body.
“Kill now, Questions later!” The voice yelled, and then it was gone.
         Stopping, I turned around and held the knife at the little rascals. They didn’t even stop, three of them piled onto it, and turned to ashes in less than five seconds. I lunged at the millions gathering around me, most of them turning to ashes. While I was just about to get a whole group of them one jumped on my head and whispered into my ear “Please! Help me!”
         Astonished I grabbed him and held on. Hearing the ladies voice in my ear I was picked up by the wind and then, before I knew it I was sitting in the most comfy chair, the gnome still in my hands.
Looking at him more closely now I noticed he did look different; he wasn’t old like the others, he actually looked young.
“What could it hurt,” I said shrugging and I kissed him, right on his cheek. A swirling light appeared before me and the little gnome disappeared. I was blinded and when I could finally see again I saw the exact gnome, except for the fact that he was human and even more handsome.
“My lady,” he said, bowing deeply, “you have saved my life!” Taking my hand he kissed it and then quickly looked back to the ground. I wondered if I had done something wrong.
“Forgive me, It is above my station.” He said, not making any eye contact.
“Oh, Jerome!” a voice said behind me. Not to my surprise, when I turned around I saw the old lady once again.
         Seeing her I remembered the question that had been circulating in my mind, “What is your real name.”
“I would have thought you had figured it out already,” she said again with the ‘you should already know’ sound. “I,” she said with a flourish, “am Morgan le Fay!”
          By the look on her face I could tell my mouth must have been down to the floor. She walked over to the guy and rustled his hair.
“Mother, stop it!” He said. Once again my jaw dropped to the floor.
“Wait a second, you two are related?” I asked amazed
“Yes” Morgan le Fay said.
“And who are you?” I asked the once-gnome.
“I’m Sir Jerome of Camelot, or I once was. Now, I would say it is only Jerome”
“Or Sir Jerome of the Lawn Gnomes,” his mother broke in, “It has a certain ring to it I think.”
“So why did you pick me?” I asked again.
“Well you are a nosy little brat!” Morgan said. “I chose you because I figured you were one of the few people in Lincoln, who would be smart enough to defeat the great wizard”
“Thanks, I feel honored,” I said sarcastically.
         Morgan Le Fay walked over to me and lifted up my chin. She smiled and then took the knife from my hand.
“You should!” she said, sounding a little appalled. “Now, come with me child”
~~
         Where Morgan Le Fay took me I can’t actually tell you, but it was amazing. I was knighted! Now that’s something for the storybooks! A regular girl like me being knighted, all though the whole time Jerome wouldn’t look at me, he’d always say Lady Lissa.
So now meet me, Sir Lady Lissa the Smart. Sounds kinda lame, I know, but it works.
         Now I get back to the story. Morgan Le Fay took me to an abandoned house and told me what to do. With Sir Jerome standing next to me I called Britney Spears.
         She arrived in a whirlwind of black smoke; it seemed fitting for her. “Can I help you?” she said in an annoying ‘I know it all’ voice.
         I looked at Jerome and he gave me a reassuring glance.
“Hello Jerome,” she said before I could say anything. “Did the love of your life save you from my spell? That’s sad”
“Why is it sad?” I asked curious.
“Because,” she said looking at me, “by the end of the night one of you will be dead.”
“Really?” I said anger flaring up in me. Morgan had taught me a few bits of magic before bringing me back from where she had taken me and I flung one of them at her. She moved her head back as if I had slapped her.
“Is that all you got? Well your going to have to try a little harder.”
         I wasn’t planning on trying any harder, so instead of waiting to see if anything else would work I walked right up to her and took out the knife. First I plunged it into her heart and when that didn’t work I began my own plan. While Morgan le Fay hadn’t been able to kill Brittney Spears I had planned on it, no matter what it took. I had had a friend of mine, who is into witchcraft, analyze it and she found the spell that was laid into the metal. When she told me this I asked her if she could add this spell into anything, and she said “as long as it’s made of silver.”
         For the time that she was turning things made of silver into my weapons, I was out slaying the little gnomes that had abandoned everybody and took up torturing me with their annoying little selves.
         Now I took a silver necklace from my pocket and wrapped it around the wizard’s neck. The flesh began to sizzle and I tried to cut her head off with another knife, but it didn’t work, she wasn’t weak enough. Then I took out the first part of my secret weapon, a silver CD she had owned. I shoved it onto her face and watched it sizzle and burn. It was actually a lot of fun.
         Now came the part that I hoped wouldn’t fall apart. I called Morgan Le Fay to come.
“Morgan take us to Memorial stadium” once again I was picked up by a wind and set back down in the middle of Memorial stadium. I had gathered all the Brittney Spears fans together that lived in the city. They looked mad. Her power she had held over them from her CD’s was diminished and she was now powerless. I removed the CD, knife and Necklace and watched as the now ex-fans crowded onto the field, ruining every aspect of her “perfect” body. It was funny!
~~
Morgan Le Fay took us back to my house and we settled in. She was to be my “guardian” I guess.
         The gnomes all became statues again when Brittney had lost her magic and the people celebrated, making that day a national holiday. I didn’t really care but it was another day off from school, which was okay with me.
         Brittney Spears now has no magic, and no money. She has no respect and best of all no fans. She was the evil of all evil, but now she is the wimpiest of everything.
         Nobody ever found out whom it was that had saved them, and I wanted to keep it that way.

~~

         So this is how my story ends:
“Jerome, could you go get me a pop please?” I asked him.
“Your wish is my command” he replied.
“Ya know that kind of creeps me out,” I told him and got up from my chair to get one myself.
“I’m sorry my lady, it is called the code of chivalry. In Camelot all knights are required to obey it.”
         Just then Morgan Le Fay walked in and looked at him kind of weird.
“Jerome, honey. Look around we aren’t in Camelot anymore, act normal.”
         I smiled and Jerome smiled back, finally looking me in the eye. I sat back into my chair and flicked the TV channels. It was no fairy tale ending, but it was a start.