Lakeview

I made it a point to never drive past the lake again. The clear blue water and the old, withered tire swing that hung from an old oak that towered over the lake, like a protective guardian was a constant reminder of what I had and what I lost. A whirlpool of lost and forgotten memories that I still somehow remembered. Like a roll of film that keeps playing, never ending, the memories play on repeat in my head so loud I can’t hear my thoughts, the thoughts I feared the most, the thoughts that swallowed all happiness from my mind like a black hole swallows the beautiful sunlight. On the late summer nights, we would walk along the lake in our barefeet, occasionally picking up a rock or two and throwing them in the water, watching the ripples flow through the cool water. On the dark fall, later afternoons we would lie underneath a blanket on the bank of the lake, staring up at the stars, at the sky, nature’s greatest mystery. We would go swimming and jump on each others backs and shoulders, laughing until our stomachs hurt and our faces were soaked with tears. We talked for hours and laughed for centuries. I wanted to scream her name into the dark and starry sky, until my voice abandoned me. We were young, and I was in love, to simply put it. The only thing we knew was each other, the only thing that truly mattered. Not a day goes by where don’t I look back at those magical days of my youth and think of her, and think how I was the luckiest person in the world. I was in my own world, and the days seemed worth getting through because I knew she would be there at the end of them, with that smile. My heart would melt whenever I saw her smile. There was something about it that made the sun shine brighter and the birds sing louder than before. Her smile brightened up even the coldest and rainiest days. She was enough proof to me that perfection had truly been achieved. Her beauty was godly, and her grace was as beautiful as the bright, orange sun peaking its head out of the horizon at dawn. She was my best friend, my first love, because every ounce of trust I had laid in her hazel eyes and at the tip of her tongue. I could be me, she could be her. There was nothing I could trade those days for in the world. In the simplest terms, I loved her and she was mine.

So thirteen years have gone by since I promised myself I would never return, thirteen years that had been the longest of my life. Thirteen years since I last saw her face, the beauty that had once kept me going. Thirteen years of swallowing the regret of not telling her the things on my mind, the things I never knew how to say but wanted to so much. It’s funny how it’s easier to tell someone you love them when they’re gone from you, instead of telling them every second of every day you were together, because that was the least they deserved. Cancer stopped me from everything, from telling her she was the reason I would get out of bed with a smile because I knew her voice was just a phone call away. She was the reason all of my paychecks disappeared into hours of chemo and surgery. But before I knew it, she was gone, gone from this world that was so full of happiness and brightness. She was my best friend, the one who taught me how to bake a birthday cake for my mom every year, because every year I forgot on purpose just so we could spend another day together. She was the one who taught me that it was okay to be me, and people will love me for who I really am. Sometimes when I would play make-believe and pretend that maybe there is a God, a higher being, and maybe if He was listening with those ears that seemed to drown out the voices of many. I would whisper in those ears and ask why He had to take her away from me. I hated everyone and everything.

But here I am, at that very lake that I had made a vow to never set my eyes on again. I stare into the horizon and the sun is beginning to set in the early dusk, illuminating a dark yellow and orange light on the surrounding landscape. My tears hit the water harder than a bowling ball hits the pins, causing a ripple through the water like the very rocks her and I once threw into this lake thirteen years ago. Sometimes I close my eyes and wish I was drowning, the lake swallowing me into its mysterious depths, and when I hit the bottom I see her there, looking at me and smiling. God, I love that smile. I turn my back to the lake for the very last time and walk up the grassy hill we used to lay on, staring up at the clouds in the sky. Maybe one day we will be together again, in my dreams, at the bottom of the lake, or up at the stars we used to look at every night. But for now, I sit and wait. I can’t wait to see that smile again. And who knows, perhaps, I just might even be able to smile myself.