Field Trips and River Streams

How to Avoid Living Vicariously Through Your Children


There was once a young man, James, who was born and raised in Cincinnati. He had a decent enough childhood, a dog named Topsy and two industrious parents, Steve and Nicki. They had quite the history; James assumed they had always hated each other, but a photo album hidden conspicuously in his father's gun safe revealed that they had, at one time, been able to live with each other and sporadically have sex. It was not a great life, but it was enjoyable, considering they had not yet conceived James. Then one chilled afternoon, on the way home from Baskerville's, a dive bar with dive bartenders, Nicki  received a call from the doctor - they would be welcoming a wee one in approximately 8 months. She headed immediately back to Baskerville's.

Nicki was a good mother, except for one thing: she lived vicariously through her child. It was unnoticeable for a good while, until James was about 16. Coming home from the football game, Nicki made a comment that she wished she could "squeeze balls" into Margaret, one of James' classmates. James laughed nervously, but the expression on his mother's face said she meant business. Nasty business.

When James mentioned the comment at dinner, his father gave both of them a sad, disappointed look. Maybe he wanted to be Margaret, James thought. Maybe he wanted to be someone's Margaret. After dinner, Nicki sat down with James and explained Rule Number One about these kinds of things: don't repeat things that are said between mother and son. James thought it easy to remember, but didn't understand why he couldn't talk to his dad about Margaret or balls. As the evening wore on, Nicki tossed several more comments about Margaret, finally concluding with, "You know, you should really squeeze your balls into Margaret. If I were you, I wouldn't be wasting my time on the family couch."

Sometime the next weekend, James lost his virginity behind the bleachers at South High. While both James and Margaret enjoyed the experience, it left James with a sour taste in his mouth. Literally. The entire time he was squeezing his balls into Margaret, he had a Lemonhead stuck between his jaw and his cheek. Afterwards, Margaret explained that despite having entirely too many ball squeezing episodes with classmates, this one was particularly memorable for her. James believed her until she made her way to the Snack Stand, where she swapped viciously horny glances with Rick, the school's mascot. Rick gave all the girls looks, even through his Tiger costume. James wondered if Rick's mother lived vicariously through Rick. He wondered if Rick's mother grew up wanting to be a Tiger mascot, but could only satisfy her dreams by forcing Rick to become one himself. Then he remembered that Rick had two dads. James felt a pang of envy ripple through his sweat glands.

Eventually James joined the wrestling team. He didn't want to, no doubt, but with Nicki whispering her own transparent desires into James' psyche, he had no choice. He became a lousy wrestler, used only in practices to soak up the sweat of heavier, more pronounced wrestlers. He quit the team in his senior year, right before Nicki kicked him out of the house for "sissy conduct."

Even from his own apartment, James felt the vicarious wrath of his mother. She would call several times a day, asking him to pick up bowling or renew his hunting license. Over time, James became aware of his mother's intentions and began to recognize the wierd relationship between them. When Nicki would say something like, "If I was you, I would leave that dumpheap of a girlfriend you have for that sassy little number at Farm 'N Fleet. You know what they say about redheads. If they got red hair, they'll swallow with care!"
"That doesn't even make sense, mom," James would say. "You just want me to hook up with her because you don't have the balls to leave Greg."
"Don't bring Greg into this," Nicki would say. "You know I'm just pulling a fast one. C'mon it's me, your ol' mother! And of course it makes sense!"
"How does it make sense? How do you swallow with care? Does that mean brunettes swallow with complete reckless abandon?"
That's not the point, Nicki would say, to which James would shrug and both would change the subject to sports. 

It went on this way until Nicki became ill. On her deathbed, she confided in her son, telling him to have a son of his own, so that one day he could be an equally ambitious parent. This did not bode well with James. From that day, he promised himself he would never live vicariously through his children. He would never put them through the madness that he once endured.

Years later, after James married Julianne, a heavyset woman who bore a striking resemblance to Margaret, he was arrested for having sex with a 14 year old. He was forced to call his adult soccer league team from jail, saying that although he promised to be 100% committed to the team, he could not make practice that night. He canceled the rendevous he scheduled with his boss' wife and announced the affair to his own family. His son, Darren, was struck by his dad's honesty and asked him why had he done all these things.
"When I was your age, my mother lived vicariously through me," James said. "It was pure agony. So when I had you, I promised I would never subject you to the same cruel fate." James paused, letting all of this sink in.
"I never thought it would be a problem. Until your very first field trip. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Shannon, the girl who sat in front of you on the bus. I was going to say, 'Hey, Darren, check out that piece,'  but just as I opened my mouth, I had a flashback. I suddenly became my own mother, telling me to squeeze balls into Margaret...and I knew the time had come. So instead of telling you to act on my wishes, I did it myself. And now I'm in jail. I'm not proud of it. And I'm sure Shannon's going to be a little upset that I'm not going to call her. It was a tough decision, but I had to make it. No kid of mine is going to be vicariously lived through. No way, no how."                 
Darren didn't understand it at the time, but his mother made a sacrifice few others would consider. She chose a most noble path: when faced with vicarious obstacles she did not pass them onto her offspring like many parents would have. No. Instead, James rammed the obstacle head on, face first. He would do anything to avoid living vicariously living through Darren. Even if it meant squeezing balls with someone half his age. Even if it meant another lengthy prison term. Because James would never become Nicki. Ever.