The elephant who wanted to be a cat

This is a story, and it may or may not be true.

Ones upon a time, around 8:15 PM, there was an elephant.
If you don't know what the heck an elephant is, I suggest you look it up on Wikipedia.

Anyway, the elephant was perceived as strange by those around it, because he knew something that no one else could understand.
He was a cat, really.

Sure, he was big and elephant like, but there was no convincing him.
"Don't be silly," the lady across the street would say, "clearly you're not..."
But the cat, who looked an awful lot like an elephant, didn't care to listen anymore to the lady, so he mushed her with his giant paw, that looked an awful lot like an elephants foot, but obviously was a paw, seeing as he was a cat.
After that incident, nobody in the neighbourhood dared to question the fact that the elephant was a cat.

Kids would laugh behind its back tough, which the cat heard with its big elephant-like cat ears.
This hurt the cat's feelings, and piece by piece, started cracking his self image.
Every night, the cat looked in the mirror and told himself,
"You are a cat", and the continued to groom, eat cat food and do other things that cat's do.
The cat even had a big cat collar, with a bell on it, so there would be no doubt about his catliness.

One day, while out for a stroll, the cat came across a blind man.
Accidently, the cat stepped on the man's Seeing Eye dog (a dog with eyes that can see, unlike the man himself).
The cat excused himself, saying how terribly sorry he was.

"Whaa?" said the man, sounding quite retarded.
"I said I'm sorry, but I seem to have accidentally trampled your dog!"
Clearly, the man had bad hearing, so the cat had to yell.
"Wush garn it!" the man said, confusing everyone around him.
"Yeur must be a pretty big kitteh to smush up my dog all that, yauw?"
The cat had no idea what that last word meant, but decided to play along anyway.
"Well, I am the biggest cat in the county", said the cat.
"Wush dooble," said the man, making a passing couple look at him with confused looks, "What you oughtta do is go down to Darwin, Minnesota, they have The Worlds Largest Ball of Twine!"

The idea of finally getting one of those his size excited the elephant, I mean, cat.
He thanked the odd man, gave him a bag of peanuts for compensation for the dog, and rushed off to the bus stop.
He was unable to go on the bus, however.
The driver said that cat's weren't allowed in the bus.
"Racist!" the cat yelled, and decided to walk there.

The walk was uneventful, except the incident with the exploding monkeys from Denmark, but that's for another story.
The cat finally arrived at the site for The Worlds Largest Ball of Twine.
He happily approached it, but stopped when seeing a man with a camera.
It was impossible to steal it with so many people around, so the clever cat waited for nightfall before committing the crime.
When the first tourists arrived the following morning, they found not The Worlds Largest Ball of Twine that they had travelled far and wide to see, but instead a new exhibit, The Worlds Largest Pile of Catshit.
The cat had left it there, to compensate for taking The Worlds Largest Ball of Twine.

A man from Texas was so shocked by the sight of all that catshit that he blew up in a mushroom cloud of chilli and other stereotypical Texas-like things.
A detective arrived at the scene 4 something hours later.
He looked at the crater from the exploding Texas-man, and then at The Worlds Largest Pile of Catshit, and he felt nothing.
This man was empty inside, broken dreams and shattered expectations filled him up, like a glass filled with peanut butter and cream.

He decided to blame it on the Terrorists.
The newspapers went along for the ride, all the way to the bank, and somewhere far away, the cat was happily playing with The Worlds Largest Ball of Twine.

The End.