The Old Days

Blah. Blah Blah Blah. It drives me batty every time I hear that damn phrase. These young punks, they don't even know what it was like back in my days. The old days. The days before these i-phones, and these automo-whatzitzs, their fancy schmancey plumbing! Listen, I used to fight to survive back then. I was no little girly coward. I was fierce, I was mighty, I could crush a man's skull with my bare hand, rip open his little pale neck, tear at his innards, slurp up his red filling like a mere snack, and then hit on his large bosomed girlfriend afterwards. All of that, without breaking a sweat.

But, hey. Look at me now. I guess you can say that … age has sort of been my stake. My true rival. I mean, my ears aren’t perky no more, they just sag loosely behind like a damn bloodhound. My liver spots have liver spots, I can’t even glide anymore. Last time I tried was back when this cute little blonde morsel was showing a few folks her gams, right out in the open on a cool breezy night. I thought I might go and teach her a little lesson and swoop down there and introduce myself. But right when I stepped over the ledge, uh, well, I accidentally slipped and fell straight into the 3rd story window of a big skyscraper. I tell you, I thought I would never live down the embarrassment. But here I am, being cared by a bunch of smelly hippie liberals in some big fancy Hospital in LA. LA for Satan’s sake! They got me living in this overheated, sunny as a firework, more artificial than my fangs little slum, and they don’t even treat me like I should be, like true evil royalty, to be feared and respected. No. What do they do? They bring in the kiddies to poke at me and point and say “blah” and “blah” and mother****ing blah! Ugh. Just looking at the slump of my patient’s gown in the long mirror gives me a tear. And it’s not even black. Imagine that. What kind of self-respecting vampire wears a light shaded color of blue? Uh, I’ll tell you. A dying one that’s who.

All the vampires are dying. Been dying for five long drawn out centuries of moaning, disgrace, and diapers. Just last week I heard that my crazed old cousin Vladdy was gunned down in his own castle. His own castle! This really makes me cross because Vladdy was my last living link to the old country, and he was still living the life. Getting hundreds of big-breasted do-anything young ladies, still had that boyish gleam of teeth, could fly, could dance, ran the whole castle himself. He tried a maid only once, but she ended tasting much better than she could even clean. But besides that he’s been living the vampire dream, way into these days of misery. But last week, a couple of Hollywood kids went to his place, showing up like THEY were the royalty, all gold and flashy, as if they were the Pharoh or something. They went in there, apparently said something rude to Vladdy, and so as usual he locked them in, challenging them to escape. Forcing them to be at their wit’s end, telling them that death is imminent and laughing proudly at their squals of fright. But no, these malevolent misanthropes didn’t play along and shot him instead! Actually killed my poor, light-hearted cousin with something as weak as human bullets! It got my blood blistering to hear this. I wanted to personally go down there and rip their throats open, drag their flashy corpses around till they were dirty and had open-wounds running along every part of their bodies, then feed them to the lowest animal on earth so that they may be entirely humiliated like they did to my cousin. But, alas, being fed through tubes didn’t make this possible. But trust me, I so wanted to give these boys a bashing. Rappers, so confident. In my day they would be ring our kind. Shivering at the very approach of my dark shrouded figure. I would cackle my little menacing call as they sent their pants to the dry cleaners to get that brown stain out.

Aw yes. Those were the days. But now it seems that I am the last of my kind. Me, a lonely little sad depressing extinguished flame just waiting for my last whimper and then to go into the darkness forever more. Ah, but this last week, I’ve had a small reason to care again, believe it or not. Let me tell you the story about the party.

Last week the whole hospital staff was going to throw a massive and blown-out-of-proportion faculty party for the success of a huge blood drive that they held. They held the drive for little children, and had been holding it for the last couple of years as a sort of ritual. Now, back in my day there would be an entirely different ritual having to deal with blood, but let’s not get into that right now. While the party went on, I was advised to stay in my bed and go to sleep, as I always did at 6 O’clock (yes, PM unfortunately my friends, as this is another thing age has taken from me, and just as the beautiful sparkling night’s sky set and became a dark coat of mystery and a time to rejoice and break free from the shackles of humankind) but I could not sleep this night. The blaring loud music was pounding fiercely and obnoxiously upon the walls. The bed was shaking from it as well. I tried to just focus and fantasize about myself going downstairs to their little ceremony and stealthily like the shadow that I was, linger around for a while, carefully watching their silly dumb grins that were planted across their faces, for in a moment I would be removing them and would like to take this time to remember. I would then, between the loud thumping song that was on stopping and the start of the next loud thumping song, break loose and jump out from the darkness, springing forth onto that chubby little nurse who always smiles as I frown, and tearing off his black suit, then biting like a rabid tiger deep into his flesh until it splattered onto floor, creating a lovely little pool. At the sight of what I could actually do, the others would pee their pants and try and escape me. Oh but they would be wrong, dead wrong, as I took after them like a lion hunting its prey, pouncing on them and ripping them to shreds. Oh, for the first time in centuries – The Vampire would finally have his day!!!

Oh, but, well, that didn’t actually happen. No. You see, I very much wished that was the case, but I just sat there cursing and mumbling instead. Then, a few “beats” later, a group of smelly twenty-somethings waltzed into my room, can you imagine the nerve, and started laughing at absolutely nothing. They were drunk, or high, or both. It didn’t matter. What did matter was that I had two brain-dead morons staring at me. I turned to face them like I used to, straight out from that awful movie Nosferatu, all terrifying and glaring. But they just laughed and pointed.

“Damn, dude! You were right!” Stooge one chuckled, “He’s butt-ugly!” No doubt about it, once again, if only their crimson fluid could come to me like a magnetic wave. But instead, I attacked the insolent fools with words instead.

“Laugh it up goons! I’d like to see how your carcasses look after you hit a thousand three-hundred and twenty five.” They continued choking with laughter. And I remained annoyed. They continued to bother me, poking me, prodding me, asking me about my sex life for Satan’s sake! What nerve these little infants had! It was too much to handle, so I finally got up, they jumped back and snorted in laughter. I ran over to them, reaching out with my long pointy sharp fingers, and lunged forward. But, I had forgotten my current physical “skills” and instead landed on the floor face-first. The two idiots chuckled their heads off as they said,

“Ha! Ha! Let’s get out of here before he rapes you!”
“Na uh! He’s gonna rape you!”

Idiots. They did leave, finally. But I was now on the floor. Ugh. It felt cold, painful, and depressing. Beaten by two baboons. At this point I was too depressed to continue with my plan of revenge upon the idiots who look after me. Instead I just wanted to get back to sleep. But then, I looked out my door and saw right there, just barely beyond my reach – a dozen packets of blood on a rolling tray. Needless to say, I felt like I was one-hundred again! I grinned and then inched my way forward to the packets. No one was in sight. Fools! Ah ha! Don’t ever leave a bunch of blood in front of a vampire!

I strode with pride and thirst as I bent down to vanquish the packets, ripping them open with my false canines and letting the blood drip down my chin. Oh, that sticky viscous feeling of platelets washing down my throat was almost enough to make me want to die. But I kept living, and drinking. By the time those idiots found me I was into the fifteenth packet, down on the floor in pure pleasure and comfort. They yelled at me, and some cried, and it felt like the old days again. I felt very good just to know that I could still make humans cry, and hate me. Now they knew how I felt. I loved it. The sweet taste of revenge!

So, needless to say, I am now in a much better mood than previously. No longer contemplating suicide at the moment. Still hating the stench of humans. But instead I plan on doing something quite new. A venture that I could never see my self doing before. Call me crazy, but today I’ve finally been given my rights back (some at least) and they’re letting me go on the computer! I’m new to it, but I’m now searching for the perfect person. The person I plan to at least spend a quick night in a motel room with. Must have nice set of .. you know, and a nice clean neck good for biting. And enjoys being mesmerized by my glorious hypnotic stare and one who can put with an old fashioned kind of guy.

So if there’s any ghouls (see what I’ve done there) out there, looking for some vampire love, then talk to me citizens of MySpace, and I’ll happily drink your blood. The thirst is in me and I want more.

P.S – I am a true vampire in case you “Goths” didn’t know, (Goths please, you look nothing like the barbarians I knew. I once dated a barbarian woman. A real power trip she was.) one who actually does like blood, and biting necks, and can on occasion turn into a bat (but I don’t do it for party tricks – it is a real skill you know). Anyways. Come on, what are you waiting for? Whiners and those afraid of blood need not apply. This is Varenko Tomios, and he’s getting a fresh new start at life. Or, at least will go out having the best damn time of his life!