Why I won't climb trees

That Saturday while I was working on a tree, I slipped and fell. Now considering that I wasn’t a professional that doesn’t seem too unlikely.  But the strange thing about me falling wasn’t the fact that I slipped off the ladder, but how I fell off.  Our stupid cat had decided to climb said tree and clawed me when I tried to grab her down.  So here I was, staring up at the sky, waiting for my wife to notice that something was wrong.  You would think that wouldn’t take too long, right.  Wrong.  My wife is the most inattentive person I know.  For example, she didn’t even know the cat was stuck up in the tree for a week!

         Anyway the sky was a pretty blue, and there were a few clouds, so while I was waiting, I tried to guess what they were. Let’s see, that one looks like an elephant, that one is a bicycle, I think that one could be a lawn mower.  Okay this was getting boring, and my head was hurting worse.  Did I forget to mention I hit my head on the way down?  I also think I broke my let, last I checked legs were not meant to bend that way.

         I hated that stupid cat, but my wife begged and pleaded until she got her way, as always.  I think I need to grow a backbone against her, learn how to say no.  I wonder if there’s a support group out there for that.  Learn to say no to your wife in 15 days or less.  Money back guarantee.  That’s it; I have been watching way too many lat night TV commercials.  Stupid insomnia.

         It’s been at least an hour now.  Maybe I should consider yelling for help.  Of course that isn’t’ gong to help if my wife has the radio on and ‘singing’.  At least she calls it singing, I call it caterwauling.  I’m not kidding.  I think she could make a dog howl three miles from our house.  And considering we live in the country, that’s quite a feat.  Wish I had my cell phone on me.  Where did I leave that again?  Oh yeah, I took it off before getting the ladder, thinking it was going to get in my way.    Why is it that when you really need a cell phone, you seem to never have one?  Or maybe it’s just my luck.

I think Karma has something against me. I was born into ho-hum family, have a ho-hum job and a rather screechy wife.  Not to mention two kids that could care less if I was there or not, as long as they got the newest video game system out there.  What did I do to deserve this?

         This wasn’t funny anymore.  I’m getting a little dizzy, time to start yelling.  Great, now I’m hoarse and still nobody’s coming.  What do I have to do to get someone’s attention, streak nude across the yard?  That probably wouldn’t do it either.  My wife would think I had gotten into the ‘good’ liquor that we held for a rainy day.  I really don’t want to die out here, thank you very much.  I hear the screen door opening and my wife calling my name.  Hearing no answer, she came around the back and saw me lying there.

         “Well this is a fine mess you have gotten yourself into, what happened.”

         “I hate your cat.  I really, really hate your cat.”  She rolled her eyes, and walked back into the house to call the ambulance.  I sighed loudly, this was a waste of a perfect Saturday, next time the cat got itself stuck up a tree, it was going to stay that way!