Cleaning up, Coming clean [#1 - #5]

Chapter 1

The marble floor stung my bare back with all its coldness as I lay flat on the bedroom floor. A stick of Winston stayed burning between my index & middle finger in my right hand. I flicked off the ashes carelessly onto the space beside me. Cold evening. Long nicotine drags. I stared at the orange light staring back at me from the ceiling. I could only afford another drag on the cancer stick before the light dimmed, blocked by a familiar shadow right in the middle.

“Rea, you have to go shopping with me sometime. You never seem to have enough PJs,” greeted Kelsea as her Jimmy Choos clitter-clatter into my room & across my frame. Kelsea’s my housemate for as long as I can remember, we even used to bunk together in trailers in our younger days.

She took the Winston to her lips & pulled my wrists to make me get up & on the bed. I accidentally stepped onto fresh ashes & winced a little.

“Don’t you ever use the ashtray I gave you?” she asked with a slight tinge of hurt in her voice. I nodded & pointed at the rainbow-coloured ashtray sitting on the edge of my desktop. It was overflowing with cancer sticks of 3 different sorts, including a squashed Marlboro box.

I let her hands tuck my hair behind each of my ears & cup my face with her small warm palms. She looked me in the eye, examined the rest of my face, adjusts my fringe a little & sat down cross-legged beside me on my bed. She took my right hand & lightly kissed the back of it before entwining her fingers with mine.

“How’re you, Tarea?” she said, with the most soothing, concerning voice.
“I miss you very much, Kelsea,” I reply honestly. I can’t afford to lie. Kelsea’s the closest to a best friend I’ve ever came across.

“I miss you so much more, you can’t even imagine!” She hugged me tight & I squeezed her right back. I kissed the side of her forehead & cracked a small smile for her.

“Where have you been in the past 2 months?” I asked, genuinely interested in her travel adventures as the new face & spokesperson of Closeted magazine, empowering the queer community through fashion. I let her amaze me with her journey, letting my 5 senses wake up. Hong Kong, Japan & Australia – all in 67 days. Yes, I did a mental count. I let her rattle on a little longer about the infamous photographers & top-notch designers she came across. She was exceptionally floored by the works of Brody Daud off the Closeted Faces’s set.

Kelsea looked at the time on her custom-made Tiffany white-gold watch, probably another one of the ‘it’ fashion accessory this month on Closeted magazine.

“My throat’s dry from blabbering for the past hour & 17 minutes.”
“I know, my ears are bleeding already. Do you intend to stop?” I mock-insulted her. We both chuckled.
“I wish you’d call earlier. I could’ve picked you up at the airport with a homecoming banner & a matching T-shirt!”
“I did but I was always directed to your voicemail. By the way, I dropped you an e-mail a couple of days back,” claimed Kelsea.
“You know I don’t check my e-mails, Kels. Oh, snap! I think I forgot to re-divert my calls,” I admitted with guilt eating my insides.
“Ah, see!” she folded her arms across her chest. I apologized profusely.
“It doesn’t matter, darl. I’m home now, aren’t I?
Come on, I want to have dinner with you for starters. Let’s rekindle this love I’ve been missing in the past 2 months,” Kelsea forms a heart with her two hands and placed it upon the left of her chest with a little girl’s smile across her face. She beckons me off the bed & led me face first into my closet.
“67 days,” I corrected her.
“Yes, ok, 67 days. Take your time dressing, yeah?” Her Jimmy Choos are now off her feet & her fur coat slid off her shoulders.
“Kels, you don’t need to empty another shopping bag. You look amazing with what you already have on. Just add that to the outfit,” I pointed to a pair of heeled Jesus sandals in auburn that would perfectly match her current outfit - a cropped-sleeve tropical short dress, with a keyhole in the front.
“Hey, if I don’t unpack my shopping suitcases now, when will I ever?” she snapped her diva persona at me before diving into them suitcases. I laugh a little because it was true. Kelsea’s head over heels with apparel, so much so she doesn’t bother washing most of them. She just keeps buying new ones & trashing out the older ones.
“Jeez, what is wrong with you femmes?!” I exclaimed just before she shut her door. But of course, I was just kidding. She can afford to do that anyway.

//

I lit another Winston & leaned against the boot of my navy blue Beatle outside, facing the doorstep. I was ready to take the wheel again after being cooped up at home the past week.

“Hey, you forgot your cellphone,” Kelsea called out from the window.
“Yeah, on purpose!” I called back at her.
Seconds later the clitter-clatter of heels wiped out as Kelsea stepped onto the graveled front porch. Kelsea wore a Kimono-inspired sheer pink top with denim hotpants and footless tights. Sticks in her hair secured the loose bun she was sporting.
“How’d you know I was craving for black pepper teriyaki udon & unagi?” I was confused how my stomach & her outfit are of the same species.
“It’s only been 67 days. I haven’t forgotten all about you, okay?” Kelsea touched my heart.
“I love your choices in footwear.”
“Mmhmm,” I cooed.

She decided to wear them Jesus sandals & obviously approved of my white leather loafers. She took the last puff of my Winston before we took on the road to House of Yapan. I blasted Lostprophet’s “We Are Godzilla, You Are Japan” & we both sang along to the stereo with so much enthusiasm, just like we did when the record came out 3 years ago.

//

I tugged at my headband to keep the short strands of hair off the sides of my face while I walked back to our table from the loo. On the way, I ordered 2 glasses of Japanese wine from one of the unoccupied waitresses. I noticed her sweet smile & chirpy voice faded when I pointed to our table. I told her she could clear our empty bowls & get us another round of ice water too.

Kelsea had her face rested in her right palm and her gaze was not interrupted at all. I watched her eye me from head to toe, she’s curious by the looks of her facial expression. I raised an eyebrow as a sign of asking her if there was something not quite right with me.

“Rea, have you been reading Closeted?” Kelsea finally asked.
“I don’t subscribe to them, darl.”
“You seem to clean up pretty nicely these days.”
“Well, I didn’t raid your closet & pretend to be you & dress like you while you’re away,” I promised. Kelsea laughed.
“No, but seriously look at you!” she pointed out. I checked on my getup.
A camouflage-printed hooded pullover with sleeves rolled up, a vest, fitting drop-waist jeans & loafers.
“Aww, you like the fact that I’m finally wearing jeans instead of berms huh? Proud of me yet?” I asked.
“Yeah, of course. You’re dealing with the pressure of living with a fashionista really well!” Kelsea beamed. I playfully rolled my eyes.
“I saw you with the waitress just now. You totally broke her heart,” Kelsea changed the topic. We chuckled and I shrugged it off.
But within a few minutes, the last three words she said left me feeling numb. At that point of time, I was thankful that Kelsea didn’t decide to bring my cellphone along & that I hadn’t diverted my calls.

Kelsea & I stayed longer at House of Yapan & caught up with each other. Actually, I got to catch up with her most of the time. I let her do the talking. I wanted to divert all my attention to her & block out everyone & everything else. I had to.

I raised my hand & gestured to another waitress for the bill. She had electric blue streaks in her hair. She came back with a folder & I lay out my bills. She wore a Pride bracelet on her left wrist, engraved with a name that tallied her name tag by the side.

“Thank you, Lyss. The change’s yours,” I acknowledged her. She returned a cute smile & walked to the cashier with an extra bounce, knowing I was watching her. I fancied her. Usually I would leave my name card as well, but not tonight. I wasn’t up to dealing with a new face yet. Lyss mouthed “see you again” as Kelsea & I walked out the red-lit & paper-lantern-ed restaurant.

We took a longer route to the parking lot so I could buy a new pack of Davidoff from the vending machine. I gave the pack a nice packing before pulling out a stick. Kelsea offered to light it up for me & I cupped my palms around the flame fast enough before the wind picked up. I leaned against the side of the machine & took a long puff. Kelsea’s eyes popped out of the sudden, her thick mascara made it more dramatic.

“Josie would so kill you if she saw your bare neck,” she proclaimed. She would have been dead right but I didn’t care anymore.
“Well, I didn’t lose it for sure,” I said matter-of-factly. She cupped her palm to her opened mouth. She couldn’t believe it. I couldn’t believe how she’d only realized the missing necklace from my neck now.
“Yes.”
“No way!”
“Yes, Kels, I broke up with Josie.”
“Why didn’t you tell me any sooner?”
“Oh, you want me to go 'Kels, it’s over between Josie & me. Come home now, save me!' in the middle of one of your photo shoots?”
“Aww, baby, come here.” Kelsea opened her arms out wide to hug me & I don’t resist it. I miss her hugs.
She asked me why. There was no chance in running away from confession when Kelsea starts to question. I surrendered.


Chapter 2

I met Josie at a local bar. She’s a dedicated DJ. I’ve been in a committed relationship with Josie for 4 months since then. See, I was never one to let a romantic relationship last, especially a committed one at that. It bores me. Amazingly enough I was grounded. Never once did I attempt at cheating on Josie. I felt as though she was worth my time & my affection that I took the relationship seriously. But the relationship tied me down. Josie tied me down. She was this insane control-freak. She almost compressed my life into a remote control. She insisted I traded my traditional Thursday nights out with my friends at Pynk Bar for “quality time” with her at home. She came to my boutique one day to re-vamp my office. Meaning she spammed my walls & desktop with posters of her favourite bands & photographs of us both. She even hung a sign that says ‘Attached’ just below the sign that had my name on my office door. Of course, I didn’t let her move anything at home or in my bedroom. I couldn’t. That house was mine & Kelsea’s. That room was my space. So maybe that explained the elaborate renovation at work.

Don’t get me wrong. Her gestures were cute. She really made me feel loved with every text, call & visit into my boutique, apart from all the other times we spent together. However, these gestures began to pile up & she was smothering me, suffocating me even. I couldn’t afford to breathe in the air in my office room. Now that I look back at our relationship, it was too rushed. We bought matching Calvin Klein chokers for each other & had our names engraved after less than a month together. Josie made me swear never to take it off, even if I had to bathe or get a suntan or when I wanted to fuck someone else for the night – which I obviously didn’t get to do at all because that silver thing stares back at me, every time I look at my reflection. I think that was her purpose all along for getting us both the chokers.

So exactly a week ago, I finally decided I have had enough. I sat her down at my office when she came to deliver me some Italian for lunch. I had pulled down everything belonging to her from the walls. I put away all of our pictures into a box & restored my desktop with a picture of Kelsea & me in our driveway when we first bought our house.

“T, baby, what’s the meaning of this?” Josie fumed as she studied my walls without even putting the food down.
“Josie, I think we’ve exhausted this relationship. I can’t do this with you anymore,” I approached the subject subtly.
“No, you cannot break up with me!” The packages in her hands were pulled by gravity within seconds.
“Yes, I can. Josie, listen, you’re great but this is just too much for me. This relationship with you has been my longest ever & I miss my space. I miss having things done my way..”
“I let you wear that ridiculous rainbow headband even though I hate it! I let you hang out with your friends at Pynk Bar while I DJ! I let you smoke your fill when I’m not around!” Josie said, totally interrupting my break-up speech.
“At my own time.”
“Hmm. You want space, huh? Ok let’s have a time-out. One week,” Josie was still optimistic.
“No, I don’t want a time-out. I want a clean break. I want to leave my name cards behind & look forward to meeting new people. I want to be able to chat a girl up at a bar without her having to stare at my neck the whole time,” I exploded, pulling off the choker with my stronger arm and threw it into the box. My nape stung from that sudden act for days afterwards. She broke down right there, right then. She started blaming herself & said she didn’t do enough to make me want her.

“Josie, come on. We both had fun together in the past 4 months & I’ve been seeing you almost everyday since then. I don’t want to get sick of you. If I do, how am I to enjoy your club mixes at Pynk Bar? And you know just how much I love your talent & your dedication to it.”
“You love my talent but you don’t love me. You don’t even call me Baby anymore,” Josie huffed & turned toward the door. The hood of her stone-washed vest bounced along with her uncontrollably curly ponytail. The laces on her left converse came undone but she didn’t care, she kept going. She didn’t pull on her headphones. They still hung on her neck. She was waiting for me to tell her that I was kidding about the break-up.

“Hey, Josie? This belongs to you, too,” I took down the ‘Attached’ sign from my door & flipped it into the box that she was now hugging tightly. She let a tear roll down each of her cheek before she continued her way out of the boutique.

I genuinely felt bad about breaking up with her like that. But she was too comfortable in manipulating my words, thoughts & ways. I had to make my stand known. I wanted to be free from commitment. Of course, I still want a romantic relationship but not a committed one. Obviously she couldn’t accommodate to that.


Chapter 3

“So that’s why you diverted your calls to your voicemail.”
I nodded & leaned into the vending machine.
“She’s been texting me promises to change her ways. But I told her, she shouldn’t change for me. She should let herself be accepted for the way she is but it’s not me,” I told Kelsea.
“But she won’t budge,” Kelsea knew too well.

“Josie’s sweet, yeah, but too bad for me I don’t put sugar in my coffee,” I concluded.
“I didn’t think you’d last any longer with her anyway,” Kelsea declared.
“Really?”
“Yeah. You are the way you’re wired. No one has ever been able to change your ways in relationships until Josie came along. Monogamy has never been your law, but you ignored that for her. You scared me, really.”
“How come you never said anything?” I lit my third Davidoff.
“Because you told me you wanted something new. I wanted you to be happy with your decision. You deserve someone who would devote herself to you, you know? You have so much to give. Besides, her tuff-girl faded-jeans getup matched your vintage overalls that night,” Kelsea reminded me. I laughed lightly at her last sentence.

“Don’t you ever take a break from Closeted?”
“Are you kidding me? I AM Closeted,” Kelsea snapped her fingers, did a ghetto girl head jig & struck a pose, grabbing her C-cup tits, one in each palm.

We laughed so hard that I lost possession of my cigarette & it rolled into a drain nearby. I didn’t care. I hadn’t had a good time with Kelsea like this in a long time. Simple, but definitely significant. Detailed, but not too serious. I kissed her on the forehead. She kissed the back of my right hand. I slung my arm over her shoulder while she held on to the side of my waist & we walked like that all the way back to my car.

//

I dived into my bed in only my Spongebob boxers & lay still on my stomach for a while. I contemplated smoking another stick when I saw the empty ash-tray. See, I finally got round to clearing it up when we got home. I resisted anyway. I rolled on to my side so I faced the window & could look out into the lonely street, the neighbouring houses & the lonely moon upon the bare dark sky. Then I hear my door knob turn and Kelsea popped her head in.

“Rea, can I sleep with you tonight?” she asked in a timid voice.
“You can sleep with me any night, Kels. Come on,” I offered her the side closer to the window. Kelsea loved how the morning sun urges her to wake up naturally. She took off her silk robe & shivered slightly in a matching pair of cartoon-printed lingerie. We cuddled & hid under the comforter. It was colder than usual that night. I looked up at the dark sky again & now it was littered with stars. Kelsea was home & I wasn’t alone anymore. I don’t need a romantic relationship with any girl when I’ve got Kelsea.

“I miss you,” whispered Kelsea before she shut her eyes. “I love you.”
“I miss you & love you back, Kels. Goodnight.”

Chapter 4

Seven minutes past four in the morning, now. I don’t get it either. I was pretty beat from yesterday but I’m dead awake. I can’t stand how empty my ashtray was. I stretched a hand and reached for the pack of Davidoffs over Kelsea’s lithe body. I am careful to make as little noise & movement as possible. I felt a sudden short heat over my face as I leaned into the pillow, sitting up. My windows are still wide open & the cold morning wind caressed my face. I shuddered in my own skin & watched Kelsea shift her arms to hug herself. I pulled the covers up to her chin & she sunk into the mattress a little deeper. She looks like a kitten now.

“What a lezzo,” I thought to myself & half-laughed. I took in about an hour more of the cool, cold morning in bed before picking up the nearest clean piece of clothing & tiptoed across the icy bedroom floor. I traced careful steps into the kitchen and felt about the wall for the switch. Both the wine & beer chiller are freshly stocked up. I figured they took up one of Kelsea’s suitcases. Kelsea never forgets to stock my beer chiller up, even if only 5 bottles were missing, & yet she was forever telling me to check out on the alcohol. I randomly picked out a Negra & settled down at the front porch.

It took me quite sometime to notice the large green headphones over the curly, slightly bushy ponytail bopping lightly behind my Beetle. The silver chain across the nape further confirms whose head it was. I didn’t bother to call out her name. She couldn’t hear me anyway. I felt like turning away & back into the bed where I’d feel safer. I fixed my gaze on her, waited for her to turn around instead. When she did, she was slightly surprised. My index finger beckoned her over. She walked towards me & I noticed she has lost the bounce in her steps. She plopped herself next to my ashtray. She pulled off the headphones & let them hand on her neck. I could hear the baseline of the song playing echo into the quiet night I was enjoying.

“How come you haven’t divert your phone calls?” she shot almost instantly. I look at her briefly as if to say,
“Do you really want me to spell it out for you?” I took a swig of the NM.
“You’re up early, baby T,” Josie broke the silence after a few minutes.
“Yeah, I can’t help it.”
“Can’t help but think it’s a mistake to break up with me?”
I narrowed my eyebrows at her, mouthed “What?” & took in another dose of nicotine.

“Baby, it’s a time-out, I know it is. Can we get back together? I miss you.”
It is true that with some lesbians, you have to break up with them more than once.

“Josie, I pulled down everything that belonged to you & gave them back to you in a box. We broke up. You cried when you walked out my office. I broke your heart.”
“It doesn’t matter. It’s over now. Take me back, T, baby. We can start over, right? Mend my heart then,” Josie pleaded. Her eyes are sad yet hopeful.
“Some hearts are just not meant to mend, ever thought of that?” I say in a small yet affirmative voice but shook my head a little.
“What is it that I did wrong? What is it that doesn’t fit with us?” Josie starts to question.
“Do you have someone else? What does she have that I don’t? I can change for you, you know that. Tell me what’s missing,” she’s at it again.
“You really want to listen to what I have to say?” I asked. Josie nodded but her faced did a slight scrunch.
“Do you promise to let me have my say?” I asked again. She nodded.
“Say it,” I urged her.
“Yes, I promise, T,” her voice was softer than usual. She turned off her PSP & took a few gulps of my beer, as though she was getting ready for the breakup – again.

I took one last puff & extinguished the cigarette. I told her how I hated that she controlled me, how she planned almost everything we’d do together, how she always had to have the last say in everything, how I didn’t get the chance to be the way I was before I got with her when we pursued the relationship, how she raided my professional space and how she never considered even to handle things practically. I told her how she was too lost in the love we had & maybe I just wasn’t too deep in love with her like she was with me.

“So you don’t love me? Did you ever?” Josie interrupted my 3 seconds worth of silence.
“Josie, I did. I still do love you but..”
“But you’re not in love with me.”
“To be honest, I think I’ve never fallen in love.”
“…Except with your boutique & your Beatle.” I glanced at her face, surprised yet relieved she actually realized.
“Yeah, my two wives in this goddamn materialistic world you & I unfortunately live in.”
“So is that it? I’m not materialistic enough? What’s so wrong about just wanting to be with you? I care nothing about materialism, but I can try,” Josie tried to reel me back into a patch-up again.

“No, that wasn’t what I’m driving at. Listen, you’re great to be with. I’m honoured that you even wanted to be with me in the first place. You’ve led me back into a relationship & let me know that it is possible to just love one person. You made me insane, Josie! I couldn’t stop thinking about you when we started going out together. You were my breath of fresh air because your persistence amazes me. You’re probably the first girl to personally track down my boutique. Though initially you scared the fuck out of me, it was sweet actually. It goes to show how much you’re into me. I thought it was only polite to return you back the favour. That’s where this started. That’s where we started,” I gave her a preview of the naked truth that’s been haunting me so quite sometime now. She stayed silent, possibly selectively absorbing these words I seemed to have vomited out.

“I confused courtesy with love. I let you have your way because I figured you’ve done a lot to get to me & it wouldn’t be fair to you if I didn’t return you what you offered me. I’m really sorry I dragged you into thinking & believing that we could really work out - that this relationship was real. Now I realize it’s more unfair to you that things end up like this. I know how much hurt I can cause & I don’t want to hurt you anymore than I already have, okay?” I made known the truth & hoped she’d get it.

Josie nodded slowly.
“And about you – you want to change your ways? Especially for me? I admire that. I’m honoured, really, but it isn’t worth it. I’ve always been saying this but you never really got it: Let yourself be accepted, don’t change yourself to be accepted,” I genuinely tried to convince her that this break-up wasn’t entirely her fault. I had a part, too.

“Then why can’t you accept me for the way I am?”
“Josie, you’re not doing any of us a favour! You’re killing yourself if you keep questioning!” I exclaimed. This was followed by a long pause, only accompanied by the sound of beer-gulping.

“But you’re not gonna shun me away even though we’ve broken up, right?” she finally acknowledges & let my break-up speech fall through.
“Definitely not, for sure. We can still keep in contact, if you don’t hate me.”
“I don’t, T, baby,” Josie lifted my chin up & looked me in the eye while she spoke. Her hands wander along my jaw & scratched me just below the left ear before warming the side of my neck. She starts to kiss me there, working along my jaw line.

“I miss your touch, T. I love the way you fuck me,” Josie whispered in between kisses. I pulled her hand away from my body, back to the side of hers. She pulled away, almost pissed at that act. But I kissed her back before she could make another move, working from her collarbone to her cheek. Our lips met for a few pecks before I kissed up her ear & whispered,

“Just because we’re not together, it doesn’t mean we can’t fuck, okay?”
Josie moaned suggestively. She didn’t hate me, alright.


Chapter 5

Besides, I’m a sucker for collagen lips like hers. Her prominent collarbones, slender hips & dewy skin made it a sin to say no.

I reached up & let her hair fall out of the ponytail she sported. My hands played into her hair as we kissed deeper, rocking into each other’s body, breathing heavier by the second. I wandered around the familiar frame, traced down her back & purposefully gliding across her firm butt without forgetting to give it a little lift. We stood up from the porch, unintentionally knocking over my beer bottle. I walked backwards & her footsteps just fell in line with mine. Lips attached, tongues riding roller coasters. I shifted her frame so she had her back against the front door now. My hands rested on her waist, my thumbs rubbed into her stomach. I nibbled on her lower lip as my hands move up & touch her breasts delicately over her sheer t-shirt. She stopped kissing me & stared into my eyes while she guided my hands under the fabric. My lips trailed from the collarbone down to her cleavage before I tugged off her top & let my face bury in her ample bosom. She leaned into the door & let out another suggestive sigh. I kissed her in small circles in the continent bridging her breasts & collarbone while my hands go the extra mile & unhook her bra. I gave in to gravity a little, face-first into her breasts & erected nipples. I licked one nipple & played with the other.

“Baby, do your stars. Do your magical stars,” Josie pleaded in between deeper breaths. I complied. My tongue drew stars across her nipples as I finger-stepped down her south. It made it easier than she didn’t have any underwear on. I kissed her deeply.

“You’re so wet, mamacita,” I teased. Her cheeks glowed a shy-pink as her temperature rose. Moans of pleasure filled the quiet morning air. She got really wet that my three fingers can hardly stay inside of her. I diverted my gaze into hers & we breathe deeply in sync, caving into intense kisses, our tongues having a party of their own in our mouths. She slid her femme fingers into my unflattering comic boxers. I felt two fingers force themselves into me while her thumb played with the right button. I moaned into her ear.

“Oh, T, you’re so tight,” Josie whispers. I insert a fourth finger into her with a slight force & Josie let out a short pleasure pain in her moan.

Well that makes the both of us, I thought for a spilt second. We rocked into each other’s body against that door for quite sometime, banging on the wood but not quite too noisily. With a swift move, her frame turned around & coaxed me into her back. Her raw, firm butt warmed the space between my pelvises. Josie flipped out her right foot between my legs so that her heel inched into my butt & her rear was attached to my south.

//

Sheila was kept awake the whole time. She watched us like a film without sound from her bedroom window on the second floor next door. Most significantly, she was watching me with much intensity. She had the lights dimmed so her girlfriend, Janice, wasn't disturbed.

She knew how I would be up in the wee hours of morning on some occasions but it became a ritual for her to look out the same window every morning. If I wasn’t, Sheila would go back to sleep cradled in her lover’s arms. But if I was, she would stay in that exact corner of her windows & watch my every move until the morning sun showed itself. I didn’t know what her deal was but I had known her ritual for quite sometime now. My eyes caught hers in a number of occasions before but none stopped her in her tracks. She would still be watching me, watching her. I could do nothing. Those eyes belonged to her. I had nothing to hide anyway. We’d exchange smiles the few times we bump into each other on the streets & sometimes we’d make small talk. Otherwise, I don’t know her that well. She only moved in with her girlfriend two months ago.

My bet was that this was the first time she saw me at my most explicit. At least, I hope it was.

//

I leaned against the railing, smoking again. Josie never shifted her gaze from me since we dressed.
“T, baby,” she starts. I shook my head a little. She took a deep breath & attempted the conversation again.
“T, you’re as great as you’ve always been.” I cracked a smile & started on a second stick.
“Wow, I never tried detaching that word from your name. It sounds so weird,” she confessed. I didn’t utter a word. I didn’t return her gazes. I kept silent.

The sun was showing a little. Josie felt Josie study my face while my eyes were fixed on the driveway. All I wanted was for her to leave, deal with this reality & accept it.

She reached into her back pocket to get something. She unfurled her fingers into my hand & a small weight remained in my palms.

“I’ll take everything back & leave with me but you have to have this because I already have mine.” With the choker in hand, she gave my hand a final squeeze & glided a finger along my jaw. She kissed my lips gently. I didn’t return it. Ever-so-slowly, she picked up her things & lingered around my Beetle. Her slender hands carressed the front passenger door & left a few finger prints on the window. I watched her bend down to leave a lipstick stain on the side mirror. She searched for my eyes, hoping for me to do something or feel something. At that instant, I genuinely thought she wanted a last ride home from me but she already got that a couple of moments ago.

//

Kelsea emerged out the front door in all her cartoon-clad glory just as the last of Josie’s ponytail bounced out of the driveway. Kelsea managed to catch a glimpse of her. She went down one step & parked her butt where Josie had been sitting the past few hours. She placed her palms on the floor behind her & leaned back to absorb the morning heat. About half a metre away, the beer bottle caught the corner of her eye.

“The teak’s kinda warm,” she commented, “& you had too little to drink.”
“Good morning to you, too,” I replied.
"Tell me it wasn't Josie," her eyes narrowed their gaze into mine. I winced a little & shrugged.
"Ah, the classic Tarea goodbye-fuck," she worked the terminology.
“Did you sleep well?” I changed the topic.
“Yeah, no where’s better than here.”
“You’re not allowed to have any plans today.” I said.
“So what’s in my itinerary today, Ms Tour Guide?” she teased.
“We’re going to see your mother first. She misses you so. She’s still hurt you didn’t tell her you were leaving for an adventure.”
“That’s only cos she’d make me bring those countries back into her home!” she argues. I shot her a look.
“Ok, fine. I miss her, too,” she confessed. She’s so child-like sometimes, but I'm not complaining.