A Sneak Peek Into A Neurotic Mind

A Sneak Peek Into A Neurotic Mind

Social Anxiety Syndrome

You are sitting down in your cramped little cubicle in the office, typing away… Suddenly, you are engulfed with a feeling of paranoia..the whisperings of people around you intensified. You feel they are talking about you. Yea…you were so sure you heard your name being mentioned. Everyone is ganging up on you. They do not like you. You are being ostracized. You feel a dark cloud hovers above you and you feel more and more timid with each ticking of a second, you begin to build this wall higher and higher around you until you cannot see anyone around you anymore. And soon, you become almost non-existence. (Sigh of Relief) You began to live in your own little world.

And then, just when you think you are now ‘invisible’, and no one is going to bother you anymore. You were wrong. Things are only about to get worse. Your ‘non-participativeness’ gives them even more to be curious /talk about. In fact, it is only pushing you forward even more into the freak show.

There goes the whispering again, ‘She is weird. Yea, a real Loony’, ‘So quiet. Is she dumb, is she deaf?’ ‘She has no whatsoever emotions or reactions at all’, ‘I don’t think she is from Planet Earth (evil laughter and cruel taunts follows).

Though actually, if I am honest to myself , I think sometimes I hear my sanity (or whatever little left of it) is crucifying me for being so hard on myself or exaggerating on the circumstances.

There is just no escape. You cannot take it anymore. You dread waking up and dragging yourself to work everyday to face this bunch of mean people. The only way for you to escape is… to change jobs…again! New workplace, new workmates, nobody knows you, your past, your neurotism. You can have a new, fresh start elsewhere. Easy!

So, you handed in your resignation letter with a month’s termination notice. Knowing you only have one month in this shitty workplace, you feel so rejoiced. Suddenly you feel so full of vigor because you are able to count down the days!

You found a new job pretty quickly, because you have become quite an expert in handling interview questions, giving them the answers they want to hear and acting all confident and eloquent. You will be reporting to work in 3 weeks’ time. Aahh.. nice little break still, I have got. It is shopping spree time. A change of new wardrobe. Get a few nice power suits and some up-to-date cosmetics. You are so psyched up to start your new job in a few weeks time. You keep repeating to yourself ‘I will change my attitude. I will change my personality. I promised to be friendly, outgoing and sociable. I must not sink into my gloom depressive self and create that ‘self-imposed exile’ again! Its time to get rid of that self-sabotaging attitude!

Excitedly, I began counting down the days when I report for work in my new workplace. I have my power suit all neatly pressed and hung up. I woke up very early the next morning, have a nice shower, put on my make-up, spruce up myself, and slipped into my power suit and kick it off with my new high heels. Butterflies fluttering in my stomach, I feel a mixture of emotions, excitement, fear of the unknown, ‘I wonder what my colleagues will be like? Are they friendly, are they approachable? I hope my boss is a nice and easy to work with person’. (Always the same sets of questions). Sigh.

Taking a deep breath, I take my first strut into the office, appearing all so confident (when I am in fact shaking with so much fear internally). Being introduced around, I say my hello and greeted everyone courteously, flashing my killer smile and have some small chats and mingle around. I feel so normal. Aahh, nice feeling. First week flew by so quickly. It is really amazing how when you love a job, you feel springy every morning, jumping out of bed and ever ready to go. This optimism, bubbly, cheerfulness resumes for the next few weeks. You mingle well, you could actually even be a popular new girl, you get invited for lunch by different groups of people everyday! You ask them questions, you showed interest in their lives and just mingling away like any normal person would. It all feels so good.

Second month into the job, the same old feeling creeps over you again. You walk into the office with your head down, you do not feel like talking to anyone at all. You feel so self-conscious and timid. That confidence has left you. Slowly, your social anxiety syndromes resurfaces again. You no longer talk to anyone. You no longer wears a smile. You no longer care about your appearance. The moment you arrived at the office, you will sit in your cubicle hiding away until it is time to go home. If someone walks by and looks like they are about to strike up a conversation with you, you pretend to be busy because you do not know how to strike a conversation, you are suddenly rendered speechless. Slowly, people began to avoid you and to exclude you in everything. And as this prolongs, you are moulded into a hermit once again. And even at times, when you feel like mingling with others, it seems so difficult and awkward and you just lose your touch in socialising anymore. Paranoid questions such as, ‘they must think I am such a weirdo, cos I have been avoiding them and keeping to myself for so many weeks, and now I am trying to buddy with them again?’ sigh..I don’t deserved their friendship, I am not a true friend' starts twirling around in your head..., sigh..oh well, back to my shell again. As even more months passes by, people gets sick and fed up and began to think I have transformed into a snob.... and a sense of hostility towards you by almost everyone you crosses path with is suddenly felt. Those nasty whisperings begin….. Once again, you are being ostracized. The vicious cycle repeats…

Its time to change job....again.