Bits and Pieces

There's a poetry in it, this pain.

A song, even-- and it's not even quite a love song. It's just a constant reminder of that void, that one thing that will never, ever be yours. A forever refrain, made for just your ears, that sings of the rise and climax of love, and the decline, that fall off of the mountain and the crash at the bottom. A punch in the stomach as you're looking up at that person where they are, above you, and feeling the cuts and bruises and not feeling the comfort of their presence, which used to heal all of those wounds.

There's something about it. Some little thing will start the crescendo-- a letter or note, a drawing they did for you, lying in bed and remembering the feel of arms around you and lips on your ear as they whispered words you wish you could remember to you, and that feeling-- that safe, protected feeling. A song they used to sing under their breath that just stuck with you. A show they loved. Words they use habitually. Things you would do together.

This pain isn't for lovers. It's not for loss, either-- or not the eternal loss. This pain is human, and this pain is the longing for what once you had, or for that one person who made you feel, just once, that you were worth something to someone and that somebody cared how you were.

There are memories of things, things which started that downfall. Words and deeds you wish you'd said or did. The neverending parade of 'if I had...' and 'if I said...'. Turning them down for something and later never having that chance again. Not knowing precisely what caused that downfall and not knowing whether you want to.

It isn't the pain of recent loss. It's no tempest, no storm of grief. It's just a quiet thing-- a hole inside that aches with the need to be filled and something that never will. Just something you can only hope will scar over and not kill you in the process.

It's not something you ever get over, and you will either scar over or be forever open for that person. You can't break loyalties, even when you have no right to keep them. You can't let yourself feel that deeply for anyone-- not only because you don't want to be hurt like that again, but also because caring like that again would be disloyal to the one you cared about in the first place.

Others tell you that some people come into your life and leave you something, no matter how small, before leaving. And that for those people, you also leave something.

But what do you do when you don't want to leave?