What I am thankful for

Do you know when you get that drunk that you can see the details but not the surroundings? You are the drunk that you can stare and pick up the details the wall of the bathroom and how the bumps and pinholes give away the age of the room under the thin veneer of the dignity of that gray wall, but you forget how to get back to your table? You can tell yourself to keep it together, all as you watch yourself slide down into embarrassment as you bump into tables and udder incoherent apologies? I think it is funny, that dichotomy of incoherence and acute awareness, this is the point where some part of your brain starts to scream to you to get it together, for real, this is not where it is at, but of course, the rest of you is in total disagreement, and it takes control, telling you that this is the best time of your life. This is Bukowski, this is the real deal, and this is where you can say what you mean, and really mean it, this, my friend, is what it is really all about.
I have no real idea where it really is at, what it really means, I mean, everyone really knows, really knows what they are supposed to do at a particular moment, what their mold was cast to do, how they were supposed to act. The dilemma comes from realizing that the mold is what is making the decisions, and to step back from that, to come away from that blueprint for a moment causes a reeling affect, a turn away from one’s axis, a groping for a familiar ground. When one realizes they are aware of this blueprint and steps away, everything is fair game, there is no sacred ground, and we are all crazy, eloping with insane ideas in our heads every minute of the day. This is the real independent spirit, isn’t it?
This is what I give thanks for, on this day of thanks giving. I thank what ever I am supposed to thank that I have an idea, that this idea is growing out of the shit pool of evolution, that I can indulge while everyone in the world suffers, that I can have the idea that I can help someone, but I am too lazy and engrossed with my life to actually help someone, that I have the capitalist dream.., pull yourself up by your bootstraps while I wallow in my self pity. That’s what I am thankful of, the entirety of my self spoiling and how much better I am than you are. That’s what I am thankful for.