Winter

The sky is rather white, I thought.In the solitary desolate darkness of my room I sat by the window staring out at the world before me. Silence was ubiquitous. Just this morning I woke up to the cold greeting of the breezy winter air. Two hours had passed yet I patiently waited for the sun to come out. I knew for a second there that it never would.

It had been three seasons since I left my country to some other place. It was important they say. For my future. The bittersweet memories I thought were only the coffee in my morning drink below the cream. But there it didn't even occur to me that I forgot the cream.

It had been three seasons since I first came to this alien place. I felt outcasted. I felt lonely. I felt alone. Yet I felt determined. Determined to start then leave.It had been three seasons already. And for the past 24 years of my life it was the first time that I had felt the slick drop of temperature. It was like the topmost brick of my building came falling down to my stomach making me weak. A freezer then was created inside me. Hypothermia became my latest fear.

Here now I sat. My eyes dwell to the horizon. Again it seemed neverendless. The silver velvet created a beautiful paint on it. As I looked down I observe the new landscape. The houses looked pitiful with its red tiles covered in frost. The snow made them all look seemingly like ginger-bread houses, only, there is no hungry witch around dragging her feet to a doorstep, nor was there a Hansel dropping breadcrumbs on the road. As I leaned on the victorian-glass pane my breath made a small fog on it blurring my view. It was cold. So cold.

It's now winter. Little children are out on the snow-covered streets running around, some building snowmen, some even made snow castles. In a far distance I can see some teenagers dancing around the lake skating and scraping the ice.

How amusing it would seem that people could enjoy such a holiday in their lives. I for one can't. I could not even carve a smile on this pale face.Here I now sat reminiscing. Reminiscing about the past. How it had only been 3 seasons since my so-called life changed colors, since my usual grin became upside-down, since the rare tears streamed down. Since my cheerful world got sucked down to a black hole.

Was this what people like me felt? Cold like the rush of the breeze. Abandoned like an unwanted puppy on the streets. Lonely and pitiful like a beggar desperately in need for food and shelter. It all seemed inane. Yes, I felt that way. I pitied myself. True enough I have comforters that I could wrap around my shoulders to warm myself. I have loads of food in my fridge only for myself. I have my own apartment where I could stay and be safe.

But it was different. It felt different. I'm in a place where I could not sit on an oak-wood dinner chair and have noche buena with a family. I could not sit on a terrace and listen to little children singing carols and clanking tambourines made of peanut butter container with old coins inside. I could not go to a simbang gabi with someone I hope to have a wish with. And most of all, I could not wake up in the morning and find christmas presents on the foot of a christmas tree with a tag saying “Maligayang pasko 'langga!”

I'm in a place where I can't see green, yellow, red and blue. Only white and gray.

It's winter here in England. And it's almost 9 o' clock. I made a final glimpse at the sky wondering what to do next. Without even deciding yet I rose and closed the curtains. Then I slowly walked to my bed and laid myself. Pillows were the only ones that had comforted me for the past 3 seasons. Yet this time they were like winter. Making me all the more sad. I missed them so much. I missed the place where there never was Spring, Summer, Fall and even Winter. I missed those people who would spice up my days even if some of the pieces of the puzzle was lost.

I am alone now. Time seemed to have stopped. I stared at the floor. A yellow ray of light seeped in through the window beneath the curtains. As I watched the little shadows of snow moving left through the floor I felt pain rise up my throat and I couldn't even breathe. My eyes welled and tears came out. The silence was broken. The sun has come out. I let out a moan. Then I cried.