Loneliness Is Not A Phase

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Loneliness Is Not A Phase

You know a long, long time ago I used to believe.
I had that wonderful feeling once.
Man! I can see it still...like a dream fresh from last nights slumber-

There! Just out of reach... but still in sight.
That youthful feeling like nothing but what was in the now mattered.
They were all that mattered.
No worries about the future, just happy being there at that time,
in that special moment with that special person.

NOW.

Everything you ever did or tried was for that one special person.
To make them smile...just made your whole day!
To get them to want to hold your hand again.
I remember the butterflies to this day!
You know, the ones that seemingly danced in your stomach whenever
you saw them, or even when they'd call you on the phone.
You think. "WOW they're calling ME!" and.."If all went well, as destiny seemingly planned, inevitably you end up as lovers.

Fortunate to have every flaw accepted.
To see each other as one. To be as one.
Blessed enough to share in that silence between kisses, together.

Forever.
Belief.
Believing that all is right, as it should be.
As it HAS to be.
Happy.

Oh well, of course there'd be the occasional spat!
Jealousy thrown in the mix only added to the passion of make up 'sex'.
Why not??
They did it too, you think.
Found flaws here and there, maybe even started an argument or two
just because.

Comfortable...they aren't going anywhere... you know it.
They're just like you.
So happy, content and looking forward to the times to come.

And without knowing it, the happiness became one sided.
Oblivious, you go on as usual believing.
Working so hard to build your future.
Day and night, weeks on end.
Seeing less and less of them, but you believe all is well.

Why shouldn't you?

They haven't said anything to the contrary, right?
You're on top of everything.
All T’s crossed and i's dotted.
The rift grows as the one sided belief does.
Still not a word to contradict your beliefs.
Key word being "YOUR".
Your mutual friends you think would tell you if anything was amiss, right?
They are "your" friends after all.
Silence still.
And in that silence, that hellish void.... your special other stands, screaming.
So sad, wanting, needing and alone.
Believing that eventually you'll see.
Praying you'd hear them.
You'll change and everything will go back as it was.
After all you promised!
Remember?
You don't of course.
Everyone has their breaking point.
The 'Event Horizon' so to speak.
But you missed it when it came.
All because of belief.

Now, you're alone.
Believing you don't understand why they left.
Knowing otherwise.
Hiding behind tears.
Sometimes they're for hate's sake.
Most time really for loneliness.
It aches so bad-You want to die.
Even kill yourself perhaps.
But wait....your 'beliefs' in the rules of scripture, and of the
paranormal realm prevent you from that course of action.

Or is it really cowardice?
Perhaps shame?
Fear of living after attempting it?

Nevertheless condemmed and alone you wander in this stupor.
Days turn to weeks. Months to years.
You believe that eventually things have to better themselves.
When is rock bottom anyway?
How far down?
Or is it up?

When can you stop feeling lonely and start believing again?
Will you know that moment's arrival, or will you simply
miss it like before??

It has been over ten years for me.
I think I understand what loneliness truly means.
The opposite of love.

The other side of God.

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