Perfection

         Have you ever compared yourself to someone you think that would be your lovers perfect lover? Don't think too much into it, if you do-you might end up trapped like me. My name is Sig, I have recently noticed events in my life that lead me to believe my lover has grown old of me, of my love and of my physical self. He has always loved older men, semi-muscular men, and-well-men that are big down there, if you catch my drift-I'm sure you do. I am sure a complete opposite. I feel as though a very, very slender person-tall and skinny. I have very little muscle, just enough to not make me look like a skeleton, heh. And as for the age, I am sadly younger than he-although at times I wish I was as old as he fantasizes. And the rest down there, well-lets just say I'm not as big as he wants. I notice him looking at other men people call, "hot" or "studs". I am usually what people would call, "cute". Not a mass of extreme flamboyant lust, but a person who you could never tell he was into men-yet had a very cute act about him, that would be sure to perk any woman's attention. He has fantasies about having sexual encounters with sexual men, and lately I have been on high insecurity that his snooping around had eventually become a real life encounter with one of these elder hunks. Sometimes he won't answer my calls, sometimes his breath smells of sex, sometimes I notice his stories become twisted-his words are at loss, and he has no sense of what I have said. It's crushing, knowing your lover no longer feels for you-and wishes for someone of his dreams.          
         Now I lay on the floor, of my apartment-very still, looking at the blood slowly drain from my body. I think about what a lovely life he's going to have with his dream boy, what a jealous feeling my soul perceives, even after my death. The pure tears I cry now mixing to make a crimson elixer on the floor, I hope he's happy. Memories flood my mind, with our first kiss on that outdoor swing in the park-he told me he would love me forever, as he slowly inched his hand towards mine and grasped it ever so gracefully with that cute smile of his glowing in the sunlight. Memories of my favorite romantic moment with him, we where in the movie theatre, the movie had just ended-the lights began to fade back in as I looked into his ecstatic, green eyes. They locked with mine, and before I knew it, his loving hand was on the back of my neck, and his lips where interlocked with mine. All these memories, now forgotten to the world. For he had found someone new, someone perfect in his eyes.
         Have you ever compared yourself to someone you think that would be your lovers perfect lover? Think as hard as you can-for now I hold a grudge on them. Everyone of them who has cheated lust over love. I now see the true soul of a person I once trusted, loved and held. Now, as my spirit stands at the end of his bed-with him and his new lover. It shall be hell I say. Hell.