Bubbles

                                                                               
                                                                                                             
                                                                             BUBBLES 
Brother Paul:

      I’ve a few minutes to spare this evening and thought I would drop you a line.  What is on my mind at present is a little piece of history, and being I know that history is one of your favorite subjects, I thought I would share with you something that came to light recently.  It all started out while watching the Tonight Show where Jay Leno was conducting a street survey wherein a number of people were asked questions concerning the history of America.  These questions were put forth to people who were attending college or were college graduates.  After reviewing the end results of this survey I came to find the people of this country are not very well versed in the history of our wonderful land.  For example, here are a few of the questions within the survey.
      When was America discovered?
      Who discovered America?
      Where did the discoverers first step foot on our soil?
      Well now, I am sure for most, these are fairly easy questions and I’m also sure the majority can recall their history lessons with a good deal of accuracy, however, the people to whom this survey was directed could not give hardly any correct answers.  I was astounded.  Some people had not a clue as to who discovered America and most believed that Plymouth Rock was the place of discovery.  No one could recall who America was named after either.  It is to me appalling college students and graduates are that ignorant, so the purpose of this writing is to enlighten you of the facts.  Facts which I recall from my dreary days in history class, and facts that recently came to front in my research.
      To begin, I feel I must first explain, no one, at least no one who is alive today really knows who first settled this land we live in.  By the time the first accredited explorers reached these shores, people had been living on our continent for thousands of years, so the first settlers are somewhat a mystery.  There is a lot of conjecture from so-called scholars, but there is no true agreement concerning this fact.  Of course as history proves, these settlers, the ones from thousands of years ago, were discounted as true human beings, consequently, their discoveries do not count.  Isn’t that simply precious?  Most historians never cease to fail to amaze me.
      Now, there are two separate beliefs as to who actually discovered America, even though as I mentioned, people were already here.  One belief is that a Viking, Lief (the Lucky) Ericson, settled on the North American continent in Newfoundland, on the Strait of Belle Isle, somewhere around 1000A.D.  That was a long time ago and being the Vikings were not very good book keepers, there isn’t much information to castigate over.  It is a short, cold and boring story anyway so I will skip this segment of history and concentrate on what most of us were taught in school.  This being Christopher Columbus sailed the ocean blue in 1492, and low and behold, here we are.  This was true, but as you will find out shortly, Columbus was not the first to step ashore on this new land, rather, it was Bubbles.  She is the one, in my opinion, who should have been given due credit in our history books.
      I need to note here that Bubbles stepped on shore on one of the Virgin Islands, not our mainland.  Their geography in those days was, let’s say, ah, a tad lacking.  Nonetheless, they were close.
      Ah, I can sense some confusion in your mind here.  I’m sure you are asking about this time, “Who the hell was Bubbles?”
      Good question, Brother.  I was confused also when while digging deep into our National Archives the name Bubbles first surfaced.  Just like you, I was perplexed when I came upon her name in a footnote in a diary belonging to Columbus’s First Mate.
      So here is what I found.  In his diary, on page 43, which was dated 10/12/1492, the last entry for that day was, “Man, you should have seen Bubbles.  She was such a sight to behold!”
      I said to myself; “Bubbles?  Who the hell is Bubbles?”  I had never come across that name in any history document, so that scribing really jumped out at me.  I then sat for hours going through his diary, but there was nothing more mentioned concerning that name.  Sadly I must report, nothing more in our Archives was written on the subject of her either, but then I came to realize I was looking in the wrong place.  After all, this voyage began in Spain, which is where I concluded must be more information, if any existed at all.
      Now naturally I do not have the funds to get on a plane and fly to Spain, so I did the closest thing I could to obtain the information I was searching for.  I called a buddy of mine who is quite the computer hacker and together we were able to gain access to Spain’s Historical Archives.  Well, after scouring through hundreds of documents (documents that had been copied to computer files) with no success, I began to think that the First Mate may had simply been revealing something of a past dream, or he may have been delirious when he wrote what he did.  This I thought possible for it was written in other documents, scurvy was rampant among the crews due to the fact their diet contained little, if any, vitamin C.  Made sense to me and I was ready to let it go at that, but I then remembered Columbus was Italian, not Spanish.  It then made sense to go through Italy’s Archives.  Here we finally hit pay dirt.  We found another diary.  It belonged to the cook who sailed on that historic voyage.  Reading through his diary, the following story began to unfold.
      To begin with, Christopher Columbus, in the year 1492, had been commissioned by King Ferdinand and Queen Isabella of Spain to find a westward route to Asia.  They felt a route shorter than the one being used at the time, which was around the south of Africa, did exist.  Were this to be discovered they then could save time and money in their efforts of trade, consequently they offered an Admiralship to Columbus were he to succeed in plotting this envisioned route.  Needless to say this made him a very happy camper, so in that year he took the huge bag of pesos the King and Queen bestowed upon him and sought out to obtain ships, sailors, fishing gear, (probably Diawa and Shakespear rod and reels) along with a various amount of lures, hooks, sinkers, food, and I believe he even stopped off at the local brewery to buy a few barrels of ale.  The ships he obtained were the Pinta, the Nina and the Santa Maria.          
      Being that the Santa Maria was by far the better of the vessels, Chris commanded this boat himself and selected two Palos captains to lead the other ships.  So it was at dawn on August 3rd, 1492 when the three ships hoisted anchor in the Palos harbor and got under way.  What most people do not know though, is the night before they set sail, there was one hell of a going away bash, consequently the following morning, Chris’s head was mush.  He had a hangover from hell, so instead of heading due west, he made a little detour.  He captained the ships straight for Monte Carlo.  Strangely, this was the only place in the known world a guy could get a Bloody Mary.  It is also a fact he had quite a few pesos left in his pouch and being he was known to be somewhat addicted to gambling, he thought this little detour to be a swell idea.  I would like not to even mention this, but I must, because it is history we are covering here, so you need to know he was also known to pander around a bit with the ladies.  He had a keen eye for hot looking tomatoes and  Monte Carlo was loaded with luscious babes. 
      Now it is not known whether he won or lost at the tables, but it is known he met a gorgeous licentious little dish who was a dancer in the club.  Yes, this was our infamous sweet little Bubbles.  Her birth name though was Amera Quinsata Santiago Ri’ca.  To pronounce her name properly, one must roll, or trill your tongue over the R in Ri’ca.
      Well now, Chris was quite smitten with her and found himself to be troubled by the thought of being on his boat with only a bunch of scummy sailors on what he believed to be a lengthy voyage, so that morning after they woke up side by side in the finest hotel in town, he asked her if she would like to take a little boat ride.  Of course she was thrilled.  She was near beside herself as she envisioned scooting around the bay or possibly surfing the Med for a couple of days.  She thought of the warm salty spray, sun bathing on the deck for a couple afternoons and the romance of sharing Chris’s cabin while in sail.  She passionately agreed and packed an overnight bag, then went with Chris to the Santa Maria. 
      Some people are so gullible aren’t they?
      So, it was on the 6th of August this voyage really began.  A week or so later, they anchored in a harbor in the Canary Islands to repair the rudder on the Pina and to square rigging on the Nina, then on September 9th they again set sail. 
      Now in early October, things started going south, because Chris’s crew was ready to rebel.  There was talk of mutiny among them.  As far as they were concerned, this little expedition was going on way to long and they feared they were hopelessly lost, and in fact, they were right.  They were not only lost, they were heading straight towards Antarctica.  It seems Chris was having a hard time navigating.  He claimed he needed to have his sexton re-calibrated.  Well, that was the excuse he wrote in his diary, but if the truth were known, he was spending way too much time in his cabin with Bubbles. 
      Oh, I really cannot blame him for that, but he was the captain after all, and he did have a job to do.  He also had an appointment with history, but then I can see where he wouldn’t have been aware of that.  On the other hand, I suppose because of the fact they were lost, they most likely would not have found the new world in the first place, because Bubbles would not have done what she did.  You must remember here, she thought they were just going for a little boat ride.  She hadn’t a clue what the real mission was, so after a month or so of riding the waves, she had it up to her ears with this little excursion.  She wanted off and onto some dry land.  She was getting a little peed off, if you know what I mean.  She also realized that for the past three days, the temperature was dropping.  She was visualizing penguins,  icebergs and stuff like that, so she too was thinking about this lost business.  She informed Chris of her suspicion, then told him what specific direction they should be heading, but of course he ignored her.  I mean, he was thinking about dizzy blondes and the like, so her intuitive warning went in one ear and slap out of the other.  He didn’t know Bubbles all that well though.  When the girl put her mind to something, she would not be put off, consequently, for the next two nights he found himself alone in bed.  She wouldn’t go near him.  She wouldn’t even speak to him, or look in his direction.  The amour expressions she’d displayed in the past had slipped overboard, which is why he finally conceded and turned the boat in the direction she wanted.   
      Now if you want to, you can take that little episode to mean Bubbles was the first back seat driver in history.
Anyway, on the 11th of October a crew member on the Pinta fished up a piece of bamboo, a pole, and a board that seemed to have been shaped by tools.  At 10:00 pm, Columbus himself thought he saw lights, then at 2 am on the 12th, Rodrigo De Triana, a seaman aboard the Pinta, cried loudly the first sighting of the New World.  It is said that when this sighting occurred, there was near pandemonium among the sailors to stop those boats, least they crash onto the shore.
      They were lucky, for when anchors were well set and after the sun made its daily debut, they found they were but less than a hundred yards from a shallow beach.  Of course this excited everyone aboard the ships, especially Bubbles, who, as stated, was by now totally bored and she was also by now a little bit concerned for her own safety.  As you can imagine, every time she sunbathed on the forward deck, there were many a tongue drooling from the love starved sailors.  If it hadn’t been for the fact that Chris carried a 44 magnum, the Tombstones Special I believe, I too am convinced she just possible would have been, let’s say, ah, abused?
      Now, at around 8am that morning, a small lifeboat was lowered into the clear blue waters, then Chris, along with two sailors to row the boat, and of course Bubbles, ascended the deck of the Santa Maria to this skiff, then proceeded to the shoreline.  Being the sun was by now high in the sky the temperature was already near sweltering, which is the reason  Bubbles wore only her thong bikini.  She was a sight for sore eyes as she knelt at the bow, bouncing with excitement while anticipating setting foot on dry land, and of course this was appreciated by all hands that were now topside of the three ships peering with delight as the small craft slipped towards shore.
      When finally they did reach the beach, it was Bubbles that first stepped from the boat and set foot on this new land, not Columbus.  Henceforth, it is only fair to claim she should have been given credit for the discovery.  Remember also, they never would have landed on that shore had she not put her foot down and made Chris turn the boat in the direction she wanted him to go.
      When her dainty little toes touched the warm sand that covered that expansive cove, she was ecstatic with joy and couldn’t help but dance with jubilation, which was very descriptive in the cook’s diary.  He claimed it did wonders to her scantily clad anatomy.  It was a historical sight to behold I am sure.  Nonetheless, as she was doing her rapturous dance, it wasn’t long before there was clapping of hands from all the sailors and soon they began to chant her name over and over and over.  “Amera Ri’ca, Amera Ri’ca, Amera Ri’ca” was the trill that loudly ebbed from the many sailors drying throats.
      In due time though, one booming voice could be heard above the others.  This voice belonged to the First Mate of the Santa Maria.  His name was Richard Peterson and being he was originally from Omaha Nebraska, he didn’t have a smidget of an accent, consequently he was unable to roll his tongue over the R in the Ri’ca part of her name.  He simply bellowed out “America! America!! America!!!”  Need I say more?
      Now, it is also true this island was already occupied and it was not long before the natives came to investigate the source of the noise echoing about the cove’s shoreline.  They emerged bright eyed and beheld the sight of Bubbles doing her wondrous thing.  They too were filled with joy, but there was one among them who wasn’t only elated, he was inspired.  You see, this native just so happened to be a talent scout and he damn well knew a good thing when he saw it.  He did not hesitate to pull from his waistline, his cell phone and make a call to one of his buddies who owned a swank erotic club in the Florida Keys.  When this call went through, and his friend, who just so happened to be washing the bar glasses, answered, he put the call on his speaker phone.  No problem there except the conversation then could be overheard by the nearby customers.  Customers like Boogie, Hemingway, and Howard Stearn who were playing gin rummy at a table just a few feet away and who were already a little more than messed up on gin and rum.
      Are you ready?
      The latter being the reason for Stearn’s misconception of the conversation and the reason he blurted out this untruth over the airways the following day in New York.  He claimed that some agent in the islands just discovered America. 
      What a bonehead!  Huh?  Go figure will ya?