"Holding Back"--Wants a better title.

This is pretty messy. I just let out some feelings/thoughts in my heart. I shall probably enhance this in the future. Maybe. I doubt it's worth it.


Then God forgive me!
For I took your heart
And never I gave you mine.
I took you off the shelf to read,
Whenever I felt fine.
I am not cruel—but scared… so scared…
Of hurting you by saying No.
Yet, for my fear, I now do pay
The price of built-up woe.
Yes, my heart did once or twice bestir--
To get trampled underfoot.
I cared for you--but not enough;
And now we both are hurt.
How hard those words, for me to say!
“I cared for you--but not enough.”
You believed me starry-eyed
And full of fonder stuff.
God blame me now for what I did!
I took the soul from you,
And led it down a bright-lit hell
To leave it there in two.
But I love you!
I do!
Whether it's Love 1 or Love 2.
Which is why I now am hurting you:
"I must let you go"--"We two must part."
Lest I let this thing restart
And destroy your sweetest heart.

Let me go… Let me go...
It is easier for you than it is for me.
God knows I want you yet to hold--
Yet something in me’s cold! is cold!
O! Let me set you free!
Yet...When you go, I shall want you more—
Oh, but do not listen to me!
This war—this cursed war— I wage
Is between myself and me.
Its deep and stormy and unruly face
You can't--you mustn't see.
O this feeling… this feeling…
Like drowning another
Person inside of me.
A tender and trembling, love-thirsty person
Who with you does want to be!
But I'm holding her at bay
Deep below the passionate tide.
Don’t stop me now! Please look away!
And let her life subside…
I harden my senses to her protest and struggle
Beneath my determined grip.
Why does she struggle?
O please do not struggle!
This is hard enough as it is.
I harden my senses because I perceive
She is dangerous to you, and to me.
So let me now, while courage still lasts,
Lose her in the sea.
Who is she?
And why does she struggle
So frantically not to be drowned?
Yet drown her I must,
Or else again
By her you shall be found.
Yet drown her I must—
Though with tears in my eyes—
Else by her you shall be found.
And she will drink of your love, fully sated on it,
But to offer her own--she'll have to think.
Does she love you? or like you?
She will never decide…
Drown, you monster sphinx!