part 1

God, I hate him, I said to myself while I travel up the escalator.

He must have caught a glimpse of me when I looked up, and then I just pretended to look down at my cellphone to message my friend.

The feelings, mixed feelings, came all over me again. And, he still looks good. I mean, he's not exactly handsome, but I still like the way he looks. And I noticed, actually he has pretty broad shoulders.

"Hi," I said. And he replied, "Huh?", saying that he is having a flu and couldn't hear all that well. As usual, when I meet him, he's sniffing.

I said, "I said hi."

"What do you want to eat?" He asked. He pointed to the directory right beside me and asked me to look.

I pretty much have an idea already, but, still, I went to look. Finally I still decided on pasta, just a sudden craving for pizza and pasta, that kind of stuff.

As we walked off, in my mind I put my hands into his, but, of course, in reality, I can't. Maybe I'll explain later.

When we reached, he started to ask me the usual, the how-have-you-beens, what-are-you-doing-now etc etc.... So we have lunch and such and such, we'll skip the boring parts, shall we?

Oh, one more thing. As if to prove how much I wanted him, I had the urge to use the straw that he used, so that I could have an indirect kiss with him. Oh God, I'm desperate, aren't I? Now that I am looking back on these events, I realize how desperate I am. But don't you see? My feelings for this man, hasn't died. I mean, I must have buried these feelings somewhere deep inside me. Man can be forgetful if they want to be, and I think I've chosen that path. To pretend to forget, to pretend nothing happened. At least, for all these while.

Well, apparently it didn't work very well. The feelings came back when I see him again.

-Later, after lunch-

We were sitting at a shaded spot at the side of a fountain. Kids were playing in the fountain. It was such a warm day, and the kids looked like they were having fun running around. A little boy in a red sleeveless shirt with a Mickey Mouse print was cupping the water that fell on him as the water spouted from the ground.

The fountain was a man-made feature. I would really say this is the main feature of this shopping mall. Oh, and the kids. There seem to be an endless supply of kids who are playing at the fountain. I think the adults wished they could do that too. But as you know, as all adults know, there are some things that we don't allow ourselves to do.

But what I really need now is a cleansing of my soul. I longed actually, to stand in the fountain with the children, and let the waters wash over me. Perhaps, my thoughts would be washed away.

"You seem quiet," he remarked. "Ever since I've known you, you've always been like this. Listless, in your own world."

"Well, sometimes I really don't know what to say," I replied honestly. I mean, I'm sure he can't read my mind. And while I was looking at the playing children, I'm harbouring thoughts once again of him. Why have I not forgotten my feelings for this man? What am I trying to do? Don't I know that he's off-limits? Is that why I'm not in a relationship with another man?

Sometimes I wished I'm the one he knocked up and married.

Sigh. But I'm really sure that God wouldn't have wanted this for me. I do believe that God is real. I do. I attend church regularly. I do have church friends. Well, they are a bunch of happy, innocent friends. And I do have such dark thoughts, I really feel, sometimes, kind of out of place.

"I was hoping to see that you've changed actually. I wanted to see someone more lively, more enthusiastic," he continued.

How do you expect me to feel enthusiastic when my mind is racing full of thoughts? And the feelings, are draining me of my energy.